Choosing who you are

My father's side of the family joke often about our seemingly genetic weakness--what is euphemistically called an artistic temperament. I struggled with my own version of it, which in my younger days manifested as an all-day neighborhood-shaking tantrum when I was left at my grandmother's; non-stop crying when a moving truck convoyed with my father's car (my mother explains I must have thought we were being kidnapped or something); and flying off the handle over a can of milk punctured the wrong side up. I recall being very, very upset over a three-day blackout and missing Saturday morning cartoons.

Fortunately, a turning point in my faith journey (a Life in the Spirit Seminar) contributed so much to my conversion. Experiencing God as a gentle embrace was a paradigm shift and over time, I have grown to be a better person.

Some people who got to know me after my conversion experience have given me positive feedback. One person once told me I have a gentle spirit. The most generous compliment I ever received was one person telling me that my silence resembled that of Mary's (maybe of Bethany?). Wow. What a turnaround from where I had been!


But the truth of the matter is, I am aware of my temper still lurking underneath the surface. 

As the holidays brought more family time, the choice of being who you are came to the fore for me. 

One of the family members I dearly love threw what I would describe as a tantrum. And while I understood the hurt and the pain behind it, the larger part of me was actually unsympathetic. I was thinking, you are an adult now. You can handle your pain better than that. 

And that thought hardened my heart and I found my temper more ready to flare. And when my temper did flare, the other person backed down and I got my way.

I jokingly told my mother, this is the lesson I am learning this holiday season. Unahan ng init ng ulo. The person with the worst temper wins.

But after witnessing one of my loved ones throw the worst unexplained sulking tantrum in decades, I realized... I don't want to die a masungit person. Even if that person probably gets more of their way than the meek and gentle person, I would rather die a nicer version of myself. And the choice is in my hands.

As the new year is ushered in, may we all make choices to be the better versions of ourselves especially when it is most difficult.

Lord, I have lost my patience with the people around me. I'm sorry. Please renew my patience. Help me to be merciful as you are always merciful to me. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Reflections on Vocation - part 2

I started part 1 last November 22, soon after the Kerygma Conference. This is the continuation of that reflection.

The message I had been receiving was to be who God meant me to be. In Bo Sanchez's talk, the message was reinforced yet again.

He talked about accepting your royal self (a child of God, therefore a child of the King) and accepting your real self. 

The liberating messages for me are the following: 

• The most painful thing you can do to yourself is to try to be someone else. 
• Not everyone will like your real self. That's okay. 
• Spend time with people who like you. 
• Love those who dislike you from a distance but there is no need to spend time with them or hang out with them.

This message was particularly liberating because it affirmed a crazy decision I made to leave behind certain things... people actually... even if it meant not having any income and relying solely on providence for a few months. 

After I had left, I realized how negatively I had been affected by at least one person I had been spending time with. I had tried to be loving but in the end, I was hurting myself because I was trying to please a critical, passive-aggressive person. And to be told it's okay not to be liked by her was such a relief. It's okay she will never like me. It's okay to stop trying to be liked by her. It's okay. Pray for her. That's the way to be Christian. 

What a relief not to have to tiptoe around her. What a relief not to have to sit in silence and endure gossip and be benignly ignored. What a relief to be allowed to smile and laugh and chat with people you like and not worry that someone will gossip about you. Wow! I didn't realize I was causing myself pain by trying to be less than I am... a little less obtrusive, a little less happy, a little less confident, in the hope that maybe then, I'll fit in.

Lord, I just surrender the toxic person in my life. I am tempted to bash her before you because of the hurt I have accumulated over a year and a half. I admit this weakness before your throne in the hope that you would strengthen me with your love.

Help me to love and respect myself first. I forgive myself for allowing another person to affect me so I chose to be less than who I am. I choose to forgive the person whose words and actions I found critical, judgmental and hurtful. Heal me from the wounds I may have received so my tongue may not try to take vengeance and instead be held in peace by your love. 

Thank you for bringing people into my life who affirm me and boost my confidence. Thank you for the people who support me and care for me. Thank you for the permission--nay, encouragement--to be myself, to be the person you meant me to be. Thank you for this gift of freedom. 

Thank you for my Nanay, ever-patient listening ear...
Thank you for my Tatay, prayer warrior...
Thank you for my siblings...
Thank you for Fr. RCF... and all the wonderful SVD priests...
Thank you for my CTS family...
Thank you for S... and B...  
Thank you for A... and Sir T... who are professional and kind colleagues...
Thank you for all my professors and classmates... 
Thank you for all the people who actually like me for who I am... geeky friends; singing friends; praying friends; unique, unclassifiable friends who let me be my unique, unclassifiable self... and vice versa...

Help me to be a better person and a better friend, to be a builder of bridges instead of walls. Grant me the grace to be fully who you meant me to be so I can be one of the people who sets the world aflame for love of you. 

All these I pray in Jesus' name. Amen. 


 

Receiving more than what you ask for

At the recently concluded Kerygma Conference, glow sticks were being given out at the end of Sunday's talk. Thinking the colors were probably in the neon greens, pinks, and yellows, I was hoping for a green one---probably influenced by the KCon's motif this year. I had put my glow stick in my bag when I saw there was a blue one... which I realized was what I really wanted, I just didn't know it existed. 

But guess what? When I zipped open my bag's pocket to get fare for the bus, I saw that I had a blue glow stick after all. I got what I really wanted even though I had asked for something else.

Sometimes we pray for this and that but we don't get what we ask for. Sometimes it's because God knows our hearts better than we do. He knows what will truly make us happy. So he says no to the green glow stick request because he knows it's actually the blue one that would delight us most. We just didn't know it was even in the realm of the possible. But God knows all the options that exist. And he knows what is best. Sometimes he'll give it to you even if you didn't ask for it. Wala lang. It's just how he loves--lavishly, wanting only what is best for his children.

Lord, I don't even know what to pray for. But your love is so perfect, there is nothing else for me to do but trust you. Your will be done. Grant me the grace to cooperate fully. I know your perfect will is what will give me that deep and blessed joy only you can give. I trust in you. Thank you for wanting only what is best for me. Amen. 

Reflections on Vocation - part 1

For the past week, I think God has been making things clearer about what direction I ought to take. 

It all began last Saturday while I was attending CTS class--Kingdom of God and Mission. Perhaps it was something the professor said but instead of focusing on the lecture, I found myself daydreaming about how I wanted to participate in this missio Dei. How I, E _ _ _ _ S _ _ _ _ _, could write in the horror genre for young adults as a Filipina writer in the footsteps of Tolkien-Gaiman, producing works that at heart are all about Christ. 

The idea was tantalizing. Could it be that this was my niche in the greater scheme of things? If I could be a successful writer, then I could participate in the things I would really like to do. There would be both time and money to volunteer in GK, sing in the choir or facilitate SRA for kids... there are just so many possibilities!

That night, I attended a vocation festival held at Rogationist. At two of the booths I visited, there was a glass bowl of rolled up pieces of paper with a scripture verse or quotation that you could pick out. At the first booth, I returned the paper because it did not speak to me. But at the other booth, the words leaped out and seemed to confirm the morning's inspiration. 

"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire!" - St. Catherine of Siena. 

And in the two days I was at the Kerygma Conference, the message was confirmed, reinforced, and dare I say, anointed?

On day one, Fr. Raniero Cantalamesa, OFMCap, gave the first plenary talk. Reflecting back on it, I believe God was reminding me to immerse myself in him, to ask the Holy Spirit to empower me, for ministry must come from an overflow.

"... stay in the city until you are clothed with power from on high." - Luke 24:49

The first verse, the key to the conference, was taken from Phil 4:13:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I was being reminded that I needed constant renewal. It is not a one-time thing. Fr. Cantalemesa recommended we pray daily to the Holy Spirit (Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and enkindle in us the fire of your love...). Connect to the power source. Seek first the Kingdom. All else will follow.

From the plenary, I proceeded to the first class I chose for the day: Forming a Winning Team: Maximizing Your Members for Ministry. The speakers were Bro. Obet Cabrillas, Benedict Hernandez and Ghika Bernabe. 

What struck me from this class was the role of mission in team building. A clear mission made the difference between a ho-hum job and capturing people's passion and purpose to propel everyone to strive for a common goal. 

My take from this talk is: give people a clear vision of how they participate in God's mission and you will have captured their passion and purpose; the team will give all they've got to get the prize--which in our case is the crown of life (the crown-of-life insight actually came from the next class, but it just seemed so connected, I had to mention it here).

Other learnings to remember: it's okay to ask for help; recruit a person who is best at your weakness; when you've reached one goal, set the bar higher--new mission, next mission.

The next class I picked out was: Meeting Your Members' Deepest Needs. The speakers were Fr. Steve Tynan and Bro. Jon Escoto.  

What struck me from this class was that each person's ultimate need is salvation. So in everything I do, it has to somehow help someone get to heaven... "facilitate the conversion of hearts," even when it means speaking the painful truth. From the depth of true conversion, holiness of life--and everything else--flows."

Conversion does not come at the snap of a finger. It is a process. And it is painful. But to choose a false peace--keeping quiet to let another person go about making sinful choices at the cost of his or her soul would be doing that person a great disservice. May we choose faithfulness over popularity. 

But the balance to this teaching is to know our limitations and boundaries. We are not supposed to intrude. But when we are asked, then we can come in and hopefully speak the truth with love to facilitate the ongoing process of conversion. Meet the person's deepest need--eternal life.

The plenary talk by Fr. Dave Concepcion reinforced the message for me. 

1. Stay focused.

Focus on the prize--eternal life. We are only pilgrims in the world. Remember what we are really after.

2. Know your priorities.

What will bring you to heaven? Is what I am doing bringing me (and others) closer to God? If not, drop it like a hot potato. 

3. Live a balanced life - ora et labora

Pray as if everything depends on God; work as if everything depends on you.

4. Choose to be brave.

Make painful decisions for God. 

(to be continued...)

My new age sense is tingling...

I'm growing in my love for God on the intellectual level, but it was in the charismatic renewal that I first fell in love with God on an emotional level. I wanted to express myself in charismatic worship again--bring in more heart to enrich reason.  

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words." - Romans 8:26

The charismatic renewal has brought this verse to life--when I use the gift of tongues that the Spirit has given, then I experience the truth of Romans 8:26. The Spirit intercedes on my behalf "with sighs to deep for words." 

So when the opportunity of "open service" presented itself (i.e., study the songs on your own, no practice required), I plucked up the courage to serve in the choir despite my long absence. Thus, for the last two Sundays, I have been blessed to worship as a music minister.  

However, even before coming to the service, I was troubled by a song's lyrics in the line up we were studying. It was an original composition and the lyrics spoke about being empowered by God. Most of it was okay but the catchy chorus had me thinking twice:

I am invincible, unstoppable

Untouchable, I'm powerful

Coz you are God 

You're alive in me

Jesus Christ strengthen me

Holy Spirit empower me

You are God

You're alive in me

I'm invincible

It seems like a good message but I was thinking... even if you abide in God and God abides in you, that does not make us human beings invincible. If for some strange reason a sniper chose to shoot a music minister through the heart while the latter was singing this song, barring a miracle, the natural laws would allow that person to be injured at the very least, maybe even die.

Honestly, I find it difficult to sing this song with conviction. In my heart, what I know to be true is that I am limited but in my weakness, God's strength is made manifest. St. Paul writes:

"but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Singing that "I am invincible" does not seem like boasting of my weakness. Am I boasting of God's power? I hope so. But I prefer to sing it directly... You are invincible, you are unstoppable, you are untouchable, you are powerful. Ikaw na, Lord!

*****

My new age sense is tingling...

I am allergic to anything new age much like a reformed alcoholic might shun the smell of alcohol.

So again, at the PICC Feast, I was troubled by portions of the talk that seemed to have a touch of new age thinking.

Basically the message was everything will be alright because God is with us. But what had me praying that people were not being misled was when Bro. Bo Sanchez led us into prayer by asking people to imagine that our spirit was leaving our body and going up to God so we could have the right perspective--which included seeing the future God has planned for you. It just seemed to me like an opening for astral projection, with the addition of trying to divine the future through the disguise of prayer.

I enjoy being at the Feast because it gives me a dose of positivity but no community is perfect. I just hope no one is being misled down the new age path of trying to be God, having their will be done, visualizing their goals and dreams, and gung-ho about accomplishing it all without ever asking: what does God want?

Lord, you know all things. I may not understand what is really going on in my leaders' minds and hearts but I surrender them into your loving hands. I hope they are still following you faithfully and not being misled by the desire to have so many members. Purge any false prophets from our midst who preach only what people want to hear, and neglecting to speak what you wish to be said. Put your words in the mouths of our leaders, Lord, even the painful truth so that we may truly follow you even when it is difficult. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen. 

[Blog entry duplicated in Rock on!]

Call for help

Post from the JPIC coordinator (SVD Philippine Central Province), Fr. Rod Salazar, SVD:

Bohol is badly in need of relief assistance such as food, water and other basic needs due to the 7.2 earthquake and hundreds of aftershocks afterwards. Roads and bridges are not passable that isolate some affected areas. People have not been given immediate medical attention which may increase the present death toll of around 100. This is an appeal to pool our resources together to give assistance ASAP to the survivors. Let us encourage our school communities, parishes and circle of friends to share. You may send your donation to SVD Southern Province Inc. Acct. No. 1025640132, BPI Cebu Mango Branch. Thank you so much!

Lord, we lift up to you the people of Bohol and Cebu. May your mercy see them through this difficult time. Use our five loaves and two fish. Multiply it to bring succor to those in need. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Womanly musings...

On the way home last Saturday, a couple got off a jeep from across the street. What caught my attention though was the way the guy kissed the girl on the lips in public. The body language seemed telling. The girl was leaning away from him. I looked away embarrassed. After what I estimated to be a sufficient amount of time for goodbyes, the next sight that greeted me was the guy going into his house along the highway and then the girl crossing the street to go home. That was when my jaw dropped in shock. Babae ang naghatid sa boyfriend niya sa bahay? Talaga lang? Couldn't he make the effort to walk her first to her house?

 * * * * * 

Yesterday, I was chatting with a long-time friend. Since college, this guy has been my confidante about all things regarding my love life or lack thereof. I found it strange that I was disagreeing with all the advice he was giving me and then I realized... he was giving me advice from the perspective of a married guy--advice that a man ought to follow but is not necessarily good advice for a woman. He was more or less urging me to push for clarification of intentions or cut off friendships. 

I guess I have learned a few things over the years. One of the most crucial things is that when it comes to romantic relationships, just let the man take the lead. Don't jump the gun. Wait. This is extremely difficult, especially for women today who are in charge of their careers, take initiative at work, and are proactive in other areas of their life. 

Popular culture via all forms of entertainment encourages women to take the initiative. You have Barbara Streisand and Celine Dion singing to women everywhere to "tell him." You have Julia Roberts going after her best friend to keep him from marrying someone else... a few years later, she is a superstar of a girl "standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."

I am grateful I attended a seminar which I realize now has given me a different perspective that is quite liberating. If a man wants me, he will do what he has to. If he is silent about his feelings or his actions don't back up his words, just let it be. 

If you can be friends, be friends. Don't assume anything. Learn to live with the wondering but assume that the default position is he is just not that into you. Guard your heart, ladies. Don't give it to the next available man just because he's a nice, warm body beside you. You might end up having to bring him home while he gives you a sloppy, disrespectful kiss in public that you don't really want.

* * * * *

Okay, this might not seem like my usual blog topic but ultimately, when I think about it, God is really giving me grace. I don't have the strength to guard my own heart. I am impulsive and impatient and aggressive enough to tell a guy I like that I like him. God is really the one guarding my heart lately... yes, my weaknesses and impulses still make their way out but the peace I have now is inexplicable and can only be from God. It is a peace that the world cannot give. And it is a peace that liberates. 

Father, thank you for the peace that only you can give. May everyone who reads this blog also be blessed with this inexplicable peace that liberates. Please bless all women, especially young women who might look up to the Miley Ciruses of the world, with the knowledge of how much you love them. May this knowledge lead to them value and respect themselves, say no when they have to, be patiently trusting when things are uncertain, and be free to follow your will wherever it may lead. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.       
  

The timing of rain

I took my SD out to lunch yesterday to thank him for his time, listening ear, patience, and prayers. We had a hearty lunch of salt-and-pepper pork ribs at Savory, spinach with garlic, and rice. Sarap! Afterward, he treated me to halo-halo at Razon's. Share kami. Yummy talaga!

On the drive back to the seminary, it started to rain really hard. I was grateful to be safe and dry inside the car. Looking back on it, I realized the timing of the rain for the past two days was providential for me. I had left my umbrella in another bag and had gone without it unaware. Yet, I had not needed it whenever I went out of the office to go home for the past two days. The roads would be wet but the downpour would be over. 

Thank you, Lord, for your protection and all the blessings we receive without knowing it. May we increase in our awareness of your lavish love, and thus increase also in gratitude and in loving those around us. Please grant that we may love you as you ought to be loved, with all our being... 

Thank you also, Lord, for the blessing of having priest-shepherds in my life, particularly my SD, Fr. C, and my mentor-boss, Fr. R, who celebrates his birthday today. Thank you for the knowledge and wisdom they share so generously. Please continue blessing them, keeping them safe, and using them for your glory. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Needles of rain

It's been a hectic month... changes are in the offing... been worried and stressed, thus blogging has been left on the wayside. But you know you've been privileged to proofread a wonderful thesis when it inspires you to finish that half of a poem you started on the rain-soaked jeep ride home...

needles of rain

threads of sun

are said to weave a veil

for a tikbalang's wedding

but i believe

it's simply God's gossamer way of saying

i love you

4 Sept 2013

A blessing in disguise

Sickness is not normally something I would be thankful for but here I am on the sixth day of chicken pox and grateful for the time it gives me to stay home and just be.

For the past four weeks it has been a struggle to get out of bed on Monday mornings to go to work. This sickness arrived just in time because I really needed a break. 

Saturday was the worst time with my fever at 38.9 but thanks to prayers (special thanks to my SD, Fr. C), the fever broke and was 37.7 the next day. Now, however, the fever is gone and I'm feeling quite normal except for all the pustules. 

I hope I can use this time wisely. God knows what is in my heart and what I would like to do. I just lift the various concerns and desires to Him and hope things will work out according to His will and mercy.

Lord, thanks for making me feel better. But most especially, thank you for giving me this time to rest. It has been such a relief to be home for the past five days. Grant me the grace to do what I otherwise would not be able to prioritize. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Little Things

I saw one of my CTS classmates sewing numbers on a piece of cloth. They use these to identify whose habit is whose in their congregation. What struck me was how excellently the little numbers were made. She was doing a detailed cross stitch so accurately without any guide. 

It reminds me of a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux: 

“Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice, here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love.” 

Little things done with love... like cross-stitched numbers to label your habits with. =)

Sr. Lordes, SSC

Foodie!

Yesterday we were supposed to have a group meeting at 1 pm, which for me meant delaying my lunch (my lunch sked is 1 to 2 pm). When the meeting was over, I was grumpy and hungry but not really wanting to eat the food I found in the pantry. I was thinking of getting noodles at the Forum shop but instead I ran into two brothers, Frt. K and Frt. Ch, who asked if I wanted some arroz ala cubana. It was a birthday treat from a religious sister they visited.

Of course I preferred a special home-cooked rice dish to instant noodles! And Frt. Ch added suman for dessert. Yay!

Thank you, Lord, for satisfying my hunger with yummy arroz ala cubana and suman. Sarap! Thank you for Frt. K and Frt. Ch for being the instruments of your blessing. Please bless the sister who celebrated her birthday by feeding the hungry. Thanks, thanks! =)

Close Computer Calls

This is the second time I almost lost my computer...

The first time, I accidentally nudged the bag where the netbook was placed and it fell from the chair to the floor. The next time I opened it, there was a flickering and then... a blank screen. Several times I tried to turn it on again but with the same result.

Blessedly, when I brought the netbook to a friend for diagnostics, it was inexplicably working again... her computer guy didn't have to do anything... thank you, Lord! 

Last week while I was using the netbook, my sister unplugged the cord to place it in another socket. Maybe the electrical fluctuation did something to the battery because a few minutes later, the netbook shut down and the little light that should be on when it is plugged was dark. 

My heart sank within me... but when I brought it our IT guy at work, voila! After he removed the battery, it was working again. He said he hadn't done anything yet... again all I can say is, thank you, Lord!

Lord, thank you for allowing my netbook to get through mishaps... may it continue to be an instrument used for your glory. Hugs!

Journal Cutting

I'm writing my thesis this semester and since it was Tagaytay Day last Friday, I took advantage of the holiday and visited the LST library in Ateneo. One article that I hoped to get was Fishbane on the reversal of creation in Job's lament in Vetus Testamentum.

So I had a few journals on my desk and when I opened the Vetus Testamentum to find the Fishbane article, it was like the journal cut itself to the exact page. 

Ah yes, it's the little things that make me feel loved... almost like God nodding his head in approval, here's the article you need, anak. Thanks po!  

* * *

Had another Cinderella moment when I found P200 gold-colored sandals to wear to a friend's wedding last Saturday. Minsan talaga pag babae ka, you have to have shoes that go with the outfit. Thank you, Lord, for providing even my fashion wants.

Unspoken

On the way to work yesterday, I found myself asking God to give courage if it was His will for a certain vocation direction. In a way, I found the answer to my prayer in what was left unsaid. 

If things are left unsaid, there must be a reason. If I cannot be brave enough to take a certain direction, maybe that fear is actually a holy fear--a fear of being a stumbling block or causing someone to go in a direction other than the perfect one God has in mind.

How often in the past have I tried to make things go my way by forcing things to be said out loud. Was it really courage, as one person described it? Or just impulsive, stubborn impatience? Now I am learning the art of letting things be, the art of patience, the art of acceptance. It's actually much harder especially when the media around me tells me a contrary message. This time, I will do my best to follow; I will take my cue from silence.

Lord, give me strength... to take what is given at face value and to accept it with grace. Let me follow your lead and not force the dance to go faster or go this way or that way. Be in control. I surrender. 

Golden Tablet-Calf

It makes me sad to see a little boy playing with a tablet throughout the celebration of the mass at Feast PICC. (This picture was taken after the mass when the boy's elder sister took her turn at the tablet...) 

What are the "tablets" in our life that hinder us from loving God? 

Is it our intellect? Some people cannot stand even hearing about Church teachings because they place their faith in their own perspective, opinion, and ideas.

Is it the desire to look beautiful? Perhaps the most extreme would be people who sacrifice their bodies just to be model-thin. Isn't anorexia a form of idolatry where thinness is the god worshiped? A god for whom the anorexic is willing to give even his/her life...

Is it sex? How many people have sacrificed their own flesh and blood simply to have the "right" to a "safe and satisfying" sex life? Abortion is today's modern equivalent of child sacrifice---made on the surgical table cum altar to sex.


There are so many golden tablet-calves today that people whoreship... 

Lord, forgive us for our many offenses against you... cleanse us and remove the golden tablet-calves in our lives. Grant us the grace to faithfully love you until the end.This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Anticipated

Today I asked God if I could have some bananas. It's just that I've been feeling the beginning of cramps every night for the past week. This morning, my "foster" family served fried bananas for breakfast. And my favorite type of banana was on the dining table when I got home. 

***

In class, I wanted to ask our professor "What if someone has been struggling with the same sin for a number of years... does it mean his/her spirituality is inauthentic?"

As he lectured, my question was answered. Though he answered it even more directly after class. The answer is: Christ really targeted sinners; our sinfulness is our brokenness but this is where grace comes in; God might be allowing this thorn in the flesh to keep us humble. In other words, it is very authentic to be struggling with sin.  

Thank you, Lord, for anticipating my requests. Mwah!

Janus Seed 1

Pinapahinga ko lang ang aking puso
   To exhale his name in surrender...
I am not the one making the sacrifice
   Nakikisabay lang ako sa pag-aalay niya

Pinapahinga ko lang ang aking puso
   To stop being strong,
      relax my guard,
    and let the desire and sorrow flow
   onto the more-than-able shoulder of my Lord, my God

Raining blessings

When I was a child, there were times when we would arrive at our destination just before the rain would fall. It seemed to happen more when we were on our way to or from church. The general consensus: it was divine intervention... God held off the rain just for us. 

Yesterday, it was raining just before 5 pm... so an officemate suggested we leave together in a tricycle (instead of my usual habit of walking to the highway). Since I had no umbrella, I agreed. But I wondered what I would do when I had to get off. Do I make the carton box I had taken from the library a makeshift umbrella? It was meant for moving day (today) and I needed it to be not soggy. The walk from the gate of the convent to our rented bedspace was long enough to get wet and soggy.

Amazingly, when I got to my destination... no rain. Thank you, Lord!

* * * * *

Blessing 2. I had been alone in the convent's boarding house this summer because my housemates are also students, but unlike me, they have summer vacation. However, the week before I was to move out, the sisters had their week-long retreat and I had two of my former CTS classmates as housemates. We had a bit of bonding time last night. It was such a blessing to have them for company on our last night in the house. Again, thank you, Lord!

* * * * *

Blessing 3. Successful moving out day... My sister and Q_____ helped me out. With 1 box of books, 3 polka dotted bags, 2 Puregold bags, 1 Healthy Options bag, 1 zip lock plastic bag, 2 plastic bags, and 1 canvass bag, she certainly saved me from inconvenient multiple tricycle trips! Thank you, E____, Q_____, and thank you, Lord!

Salamat din po for the blessing of the family I am moving in with. I just lift them up to you and pray for your comfort and consolation.

* * * * * 

Blessing 4. My priest-mentor-boss came down for a surprise visit. Because of an unexpected job offer, I ended up having a brief heart-to-heart talk with him which left me relieved. We are on the same page. Finish the journal. Finish my master's degree. Thank you pa rin, Lord... thank you for the gift of Fr. R, the gift of education, and the gift of affirmation... 

* * * * * 

Blessing 5. I just learned I had my best sem ever... 95 in Wisdom, 99 in Prophetic Lit, 99 in Biblical Apostolate, and 100 in Methodology. Wow! Salamat pa rin, Lord!!!

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Blessing 6. I came home and found a World Vision envelope waiting for me. Apparently, my sponsored child has finished high school! Wow! I only sponsored him for a few years when I still had steady pay but it was gratifying to still receive a congratulatory note from World Vision updating me on his progress. Ang galing naman! Salamat, Lord!

Sheer grace

Remember that little parable, about the sower in a field and how the seed fell on rocky ground, thorny ground and good soil?

Well, this little plant had me remembering the seed that fell on rocky soil. Except this plant is growing in a little crack in the wall. And I reflect that God's love is simply so amazing, just a little crack in our stony heart is enough for his word to begin growing. It is sheer grace. There is nothing in the stony wall-heart to sustain life, but a crack is enough--and life will come. All God needs is a crack. A tiny bit of us to say, yes.

However, if we become content with remaining as we are, God's word is limited. The plant can only grow so high. It is stunted. Alive but stunted.

Unlike the stony wall (which would best remain a stony wall--let's keep the building intact!), our heart can be changed into a heart of flesh. And when that happens, the word that has begun growing will continue to transform us and make the world a better place.

Thank you, Lord, that all you really need is a crack. I trust that you will continue the work you have begun and transform my stony heart into one of flesh, a heart that loves you back with all I am.

Love from above

A breakthrough thought for me in my discernment...

As I was treating myself to breakfast yesterday morning, I was thinking that no man can love me the way God loves me. I sometimes have this thought when I am thinking of the reasons why I should not have a crush on someone, trying to think myself out of my feelings. However, this time, the train of thought was followed by... "but a man can love me as God loves me if God infuses him with His own love." What is true love after all but a theological virtue whose only source is God?

Similarly, I can love only if God loves through me. This has been a block for me because I have been telling myself that I do not know how to love so anyone interested in me would be better off without me. But now... I realize I have to trust God to love for me and through me for only Jesus loving in me can actually love for real. What a relief! To rely not on my merit but on the merit of Jesus' perfection. 

A virtuous childlessness has been my goal recently, in the sense that I've been trying even more to be chaste in my thoughts. Before, I kind of just accepted that I fail in this area and it's okay because at least it's only in my thoughts... I'm still trying am I not? But then again, Jesus did say that to look lustfully at someone is already adultery. So I have to really aim for purity in thought. I still fail often but I no longer tell myself na "okay lang 'yun." Sa totoo lang, hindi siya okay. To fulfill my vocation, I really have to put chastity into practice.

I no longer think I will be a nun. But it is freeing for me to believe that God will empower me to be a holy single person or a holy married person. Holiness is the goal; God's grace is the key.

Lord, if you want me to be married, please infuse the man You have in mind for me with Your love so he could love me for real, with passion and conviction in the face of obstacles. Similarly, please infuse me with Your love so I could love for real, with courage and selflessness, whether single or no. Forgive me for my shortcomings. Please bless my hunger for holiness with Your own righteousness. Thank you for your faithfulness. May I become faithful to You. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Just in time 2

Today's little miracle was that I made it to mass on time. 

Normally, it takes an hour for me to get to Alabang from our house. I left at 2:50 pm, wondering how I was going to make the 4 pm mass in the Sucat area. We were visiting family there for a get-together around 5 pm. It was my fault--I had been lazing about all morning but there it was.

I did pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet at 3 pm. God heard my request for forgiveness and punctuality. Traffic flowed smoothly (a rather rare occurrence!), I got the rides I needed quickly, and by the time I stepped out of the tricycle, the lector began speaking. Mass was just about to start. 

Whew! Made it. Thank you, Lord!

Moving on

This is my first post that will not be sharing a kilig moment. I'm actually feeling on the low side. 

The truth is... I discovered accidentally that the young man I have been admiring may also have feelings for me. Circumstances being what they are, the right thing to do is to leave it alone... let it die a natural death. But knowing what I know strengthens my feelings and makes it harder to let him go. 

Eternity. Eternity is the goal. Just a few more years of loneliness... kaunti na lang... I could be more than halfway to the end of the finish line. Just keep running the race. It's a marathon. Eternity is the goal. Stay focused on Jesus.

Kulang lang ito sa dasal. I just need to pray more. But in the meantime, I will feel my sadness and grieve a little. 

Just in time

My sister had given me a watch about two Christmases ago but recently the strap had broken. I started carrying it around in my bag but could not wear it. 

     Last Monday, I participated in the 2nd Tagaytay Youth Day as a judge. One of the token gifts they had for us was a Pirates of the Caribbean watch! 

     Thank you, Lord, for the new free watch.   

Nahum means "consolation"

It's been a while since my last blog but something happened yesterday... one of those answered prayers that come as only God's answers can come.

It all started with a prayer I co-led with a groupmate in our Biblical Apostolate class the day before. The reading was from Mark; the story was about the woman who touched Jesus to be healed. Because this story is a very personal one for me, I knew there was a possibility that I would cry... and true enough, all the emotional things I like to keep inside started leaking out during the prayer, after the class, and even when I was already at the dorm, three hours after class had ended. 

By that time, I was no longer simply leaking... the dam was cracked and I could not stop crying. My sweet Vietnamese roommate listened, encouraged and gave advice. I tried to get it together and washed my face. We had dinner, studied, and eventually went to bed.

The next day was our class in Prophetic Literature. The prophet for the day was Nahum, a name which means "consolation."

After office hours, I was still at the library trying to get some academic work done, when lo and behold, my priest-boss said he was going to Las Piñas. Do I want to come?  

YES!

I had dinner at home with my family, saw my sister without crutches (she is recovering from a fractured toe), and ate to my heart's content. My sweet mother dropped me off near the pick up point where I met my companions to go back to Tagaytay. 

That was the answer to my prayer. I reconnected with the people I needed to reconnect with. My homesickness was eased, my need to go home without spending was answered. Plus, I got pens for our planned activity on Sunday. Wow. 

Thank you, Lord. Sana I would respond to your lavish love with all the love in my heart--you deserve nothing less. Sorry for my shortcomings. Change me and make me yours completely.