Reflections on Vocation - part 2

I started part 1 last November 22, soon after the Kerygma Conference. This is the continuation of that reflection.

The message I had been receiving was to be who God meant me to be. In Bo Sanchez's talk, the message was reinforced yet again.

He talked about accepting your royal self (a child of God, therefore a child of the King) and accepting your real self. 

The liberating messages for me are the following: 

• The most painful thing you can do to yourself is to try to be someone else. 
• Not everyone will like your real self. That's okay. 
• Spend time with people who like you. 
• Love those who dislike you from a distance but there is no need to spend time with them or hang out with them.

This message was particularly liberating because it affirmed a crazy decision I made to leave behind certain things... people actually... even if it meant not having any income and relying solely on providence for a few months. 

After I had left, I realized how negatively I had been affected by at least one person I had been spending time with. I had tried to be loving but in the end, I was hurting myself because I was trying to please a critical, passive-aggressive person. And to be told it's okay not to be liked by her was such a relief. It's okay she will never like me. It's okay to stop trying to be liked by her. It's okay. Pray for her. That's the way to be Christian. 

What a relief not to have to tiptoe around her. What a relief not to have to sit in silence and endure gossip and be benignly ignored. What a relief to be allowed to smile and laugh and chat with people you like and not worry that someone will gossip about you. Wow! I didn't realize I was causing myself pain by trying to be less than I am... a little less obtrusive, a little less happy, a little less confident, in the hope that maybe then, I'll fit in.

Lord, I just surrender the toxic person in my life. I am tempted to bash her before you because of the hurt I have accumulated over a year and a half. I admit this weakness before your throne in the hope that you would strengthen me with your love.

Help me to love and respect myself first. I forgive myself for allowing another person to affect me so I chose to be less than who I am. I choose to forgive the person whose words and actions I found critical, judgmental and hurtful. Heal me from the wounds I may have received so my tongue may not try to take vengeance and instead be held in peace by your love. 

Thank you for bringing people into my life who affirm me and boost my confidence. Thank you for the people who support me and care for me. Thank you for the permission--nay, encouragement--to be myself, to be the person you meant me to be. Thank you for this gift of freedom. 

Thank you for my Nanay, ever-patient listening ear...
Thank you for my Tatay, prayer warrior...
Thank you for my siblings...
Thank you for Fr. RCF... and all the wonderful SVD priests...
Thank you for my CTS family...
Thank you for S... and B...  
Thank you for A... and Sir T... who are professional and kind colleagues...
Thank you for all my professors and classmates... 
Thank you for all the people who actually like me for who I am... geeky friends; singing friends; praying friends; unique, unclassifiable friends who let me be my unique, unclassifiable self... and vice versa...

Help me to be a better person and a better friend, to be a builder of bridges instead of walls. Grant me the grace to be fully who you meant me to be so I can be one of the people who sets the world aflame for love of you. 

All these I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.