Balance and Support

Whoa... no blog entry for two months! It does not mean there were no blessings... it's just that I have been on the brink of falling/failing—trying to keep my balance at the edge of multiple things.

The first balancing act involved walking the line between friendship and romance without hurting anyone. Hmmm... from a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say the pain level had initially been a low 4—tolerable. However due to its persistence and increasing intensity, I have been worn down to my limit. 

The second was balancing my thesis, library and journal work against financial and emotional resources—which was being taxed by the politics of holiness and infighting in the community, among other things. Add the possibility to be involved in media coverage for the upcoming papal visit and things get more exciting. The crucial element here was doing what one was supposed to do without snapping people's heads off. Epic fail.

The third is a recent addition—seems the balancing act is turning into a juggling act. It involves a family member's health. He has been in the hospital for two weeks now. Hoping for the best.

*****

Three Saturdays ago, had a heart-to-heart talk with Sis B. It was the talk that released me from my toxic guilt like no other. What an unexpected relief!

*****

That evening, we celebrated our father's 70th birthday. The buffet was overwhelming in its abundance—everything from Japanese food to Filipino, wonderful desserts, and unlimited iced tea and juice (like blue lemonade, which I had not tried before). But what would all that food be without people to eat with? It was such a blessing to celebrate with family and friends (a good number of those since high school—that's maybe 54 years?). Super thank you, Lord!
. 

*****

N does hospital duty. I am assigned more on house duty. Two Thursdays ago, while I was on house duty, R came by to keep me company. He brought a pork dish and a chicken dish. I cooked the rice and we had a nice dinner. After that, we watched The Book Thief on television. It turns out my sister had not yet eaten dinner so she had a nice meal too when she got home. Yay!

*****

At the peak of my worries, a friend called me. Though the signal was choppy and we could not communicate properly, his virtual presence and prayers was a big source of comfort and strength. 

*****

Last Friday was the Christmas party of the seminary. I did not feel like going but ended up at the party anyway. I got a lot of hugs and concerned inquiries. Turns out I'm not very good at handling inquiries—cried a lot; but it was nice to know a lot of people care. 

*****

Yesterday, I discovered a fellow chico monster. Aside from giving me my favorite fruit, CM kept me company during lunch, and later helped carry my bag to the bus stop. 

*****

Thank you, Lord, for friends who support us through these times of difficulty. Their acts of kindness, listening, prayers and patience ease our physical and non-physical burdens. When we think we are about to fall, they hold out their hand and we can regain our balance in the chaos. Please bless them a hundred-fold.

Also, please bless T & Fr. S, Chef J, Sir G, and D on their birthdays. Thanks po.

In a special way, we lift up family members who are sick and recovering from operations. Please touch them with your healing hands. And if you should allow them to suffer, may they remember to offer these pains up to you that even in their difficulty, they may participate in your plans for the redemption of all. But if you will, please console and comfort them; allow their pain to decrease and their health to increase. Grant them full recovery.

For those people who keep watch over them, may you be their strength, presence of mind, and merciful patience.

For those of us who feel helpless, may you honor whatever everyday acts we do as an offering for our prayer intention. May they be acts done with love and united with the love of Christ.

All this we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Nourishment

Today, a friend from the Feast treated us out to a yummy lunch at Kenny Roger's. Eating with friends who accept you for who you are and with whom you can share your struggles without fear of judgment fills up not only the tummy but the heart as well. 

It is also heart-warming to receive totally unexpected ube bread from OSJ seminarians.

Thank you, Lord, for free food, whether it is from remote givers who share from a distance or friends long-missed with whom we can share good food and candid conversation. 

But most of all, thank you for being the living bread from whom we get our strength. You know our weaknesses and our struggles sometimes get the best of us. Please help us through the coming week. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Kahit ano pa...

Matthew 6:25, 31-33

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ... Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

As I live on a very modest income as a part-time library assistant, every purchase outside of food and transportation is thought over many times. This weekend I was telling myself that I really, really needed to get new underwear--even if it meant dipping into savings yet again. The most practical plan was to buy at the mall where I would normally catch the bus on the way to the second phase of our bible study (Jeff Cavin's Matthew). 

Before I could implement my plan, however, my mother comes up to me and says, "I wonder if you would like this..." and hands me a box of new undies. 

Wow! Guardian angel coordination strikes again!

Thank you, Lord, for providing for all my needs--kahit ano pa siya. All I can say is wow! Superthanks!!!!

Christmas basket in September

An unexpected bag of groceries awaited me upon my return to Tagaytay this week. As part of the SVD family feast celebrations, the seminarian-organizers decided to pool each group's resources and give each co-missionary (i.e., the workers) an early Christmas basket. I feel so blessed!

Thank you, Lord, for generous hearts that put practical ideas into action. Please bless our future priests that they may continue to be a blessing to those around them. Return to them a hundred-fold what they have given. Watch over them always and keep them safe. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Close calls

As I was washing the breakfast dishes this morning, I miscalculated and accidentally hit the dish rack with a just-washed glass, which then shattered into so many little pieces. 

While I swept up the little shards of glass, I wondered whether God was trying to tell me something. Was it a punishment because I was weakening in a specific struggle? Or maybe it was a warning?

But then I realized how blessed I was that none of the shards got into my eye. I had closed them just in time--some shards had hit my face and the glittery dust was left as evidence on my black shirt, but I was okay.

Later in the day, my mother and I were having lunch and she shared that she almost hit a car as she was backing out of the grocery parking lot that same morning. She could no longer recall what got her attention but she stopped backing up just in time to avoid a mishap. 

Thank you, Lord, for protecting us, whether we are aware of it (though mostly not). Please continue to keep us and our loved ones under the shadow of your wings. You are our refuge, our sanctuary. 

Text by Angel

We were planning to watch Rurouni Kenshin at Megamall to celebrate our cousin J's birthday. J and I were going to meet earlier than the others and agreed we would just text each other on the day itself to specify where exactly in Megamall we would meet up. 

The next day, Samurai X-day, I got on a bus and told the conductor my destination. But when we reached the bus stop before Megamall, I decided to get off and walk. As I was walking along--with the idea that I would text J as soon as I stepped into the mall--I noticed a girl ahead of me that looked like J. Walking up, I gave the girl a tap on the shoulder: it was indeed her! We did not need to text each other anymore. Our guardian angels did the coordinating for us. Thank you, GAs!

Heaven-sent

In the struggle towards holiness, I find it helpful to talk to different people to get different perspectives and advice. 

Two Saturdays ago, God sent me Bro. R.

Normally, I have a quick bite to eat at around 11:30 when it's CTS day. This way, I can keep the library open from 12 nn onwards in case any of our lay students want to drop by during their lunch break. But last week, after being dismissed early from class, Bro. R felt a nudge to go the dining hall where he found me beginning my meal. He sat with me. There was no one else around aside from the staff member who would come in from time to time to bring in the rest of the lunch orders. For a cafeteria during lunch break, it was a rare and perfect moment for confiding.  

I took the opportunity to open up to him regarding a certain person... and whether it would be okay for this person to join a spiritual activity I participate in despite certain circumstances. His words were really a different perspective from the ones that have been around me. He said he saw nothing wrong with my friend joining. It was prayer. 

Basically his advice was to remain honest and to keep allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us. Then Bro. R said there is a verse from Romans 8:28, and before he could quote it, I continued it for him: For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. It was the very same verse I sent to my friend earlier.

And Bro. R said now he knows why he felt he had to go to the dining hall at that moment. It was really for my benefit. And he assured me that God loves me and my friend very much. Rom 8:28. When the first student came in at 12 nn marking the end of our private conversation, I indeed felt loved so much so that God would allow me 30 minutes with an open-minded person whose advice was a relief to my toxic guilt. 

*****

Last Saturday, I found myself feeling highly emotional and unable to keep my tears in check. Let's just say calculus is a real burden sometimes... certain decisions are out of my hands... and difficult to live with. 

Then surprise, surprise, after I had recovered from my crying bout, I find my sister walking down the stairs to the library. What a consolation! It was God sending me an answer to a prayer I had not articulated because he knew I would need it.

*****

Yesterday, the same sister of mine felt the urge to go to a friend who just lost her mother. So after our graduation from Jeff Cavin's Bible Timeline (first installment), we went to the wake.

My sister had done that for me two days before. Now we were doing it for someone else in need--being a shoulder for someone to cry on. And it turned out her friend badly needed us there. The timing was perfect. Our presence was appreciated. I felt blessed to have been included in the chance to offer her comfort. 


Lord, thank you for sending us the people we need to hear your voice and feel your love. Thank you for using us to bless others. Thank you for both spiritual and biological siblings who listen to your promptings. Help us to also be more sensitive and obedient so we can participate in your love of our brothers and sisters... and maybe even lead others to do the same. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen. 

Eternal rest grant unto the souls of the faithful departed, O Lord. Let your perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

Connected

When I got home for the weekend, my father greeted me with the news that we had no internet since last night. I silently and sadly thought to myself that I wouldn't be able to blog but just a few moments later, the internet came back on. Wala, kilig na naman ako. 

Thank you, Lord, for allowing the internet to come back on at the time that it did. Parang sadyang para sa akin. You really lavish me with your love. May we increase in our love for you. Mwah!

Busog!

I just want to thank you, Lord, for the many blessings of food today...

• AM gave us yummy macaroni and pan de sal for the morning snack.
• HE gave us a chocolate-covered donut that served as dessert after lunch.
• MV brought over the latest product from the SVD-ALS bakery--cinnamon roll, which the library staff and my housemate B also enjoyed.

• AM had another treat for us in the afternoon--egg sandwich on wheat bread. Filling!

Thank you, Lord, for giving us our daily bread, for the people who are instruments of your providence, and for allowing us to share your providence with others. 

Offer it up!

Despite all my good intentions, I fell for a man I cannot be with... the most telling circumstance being that he is in a committed relationship that will be permanent in a year or two.

Logic and morality are clearly on one side. Emotions are on the other. This week has been the most miserable so far... My heart still insists on wanting the wrong thing. 

But God continues to gently whisper to me even in the midst of my tears. This blog on vocation had me thinking as it posed a most challenging question: "The central question in discernment is: How shall I die with Christ, to rise with him? How will I lose my life to find it? What will bring me to the point where I can say, with St. Paul: “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me”?."

Of course reading a blog, no matter how beautiful, is not necessarily enough to make things better. Just as reading all these inspirational quotes on Facebook or posting reminders to myself to move on is sometimes not enough.

But as I was riding the jeep home tonight, God reminded me... offer it up. 

I had been denying my heart without offering God my pain. I had forgotten. All I could feel was my own weakness screaming for release. My focus had been completely on how I had to stay away. Deny myself. Take up the cross. Die on the cross. But how can I even begin to carry the cross except as a participation in the strength of Christ who did it perfectly? 

Yes, I pray. Grace still sees me through despite myself. How else have I fumbled through the week without any outer mishap? All the turmoil is inside. 

Ah, but the reminder to offer it up has greatly eased my misery. Misery that has lost sight of its redemptive value is just too burdensome. But suffering offered up... the burden is lighter because Christ has borne it all and continues to bear it with me. I am merely participating. 

Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to participate in Calvary in my own little way. I offer up all my heartaches, big and small, together with the perfect offering of your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world. For the sake of his sorrowful passion... have mercy on us and on the whole world. Amen.

Prophetic Chocolate

"Today I receive all of God's love for me...

 Today I open myself to the unbounded, limitless, overflowing abundance of  God's universe..."           

  - from The Feast Declaration of Abundance

Today, God's infinite love manifested itself in an unbounded, limitless, overflowing abundance of food... 

• For breakfast, B cooked rice and sitaw and shared it with me. 
• Upon reaching the library, I ate a piece of pan de sal from the SVD-ALS bakery with my coffee. 
• Then halfway through the morning, A handed L and me two types of rice cake each... biko and puto pao! 
• Lunch was c/o CTS. 
• During the afternoon break, P, a new CTS student I just met, gave me mamon. 
• On the way home, I bumped into some SASMA brothers and they treated me to isaw and Sparkle. 
• For dinner, B's mom cooked tilapia and veggies. There were grapes for dessert. 

And all evidence of this overflow has disappeared into my tummy without a trace except for a piece of chocolate with a prophecy of what will happen to me:

Hehehe...

Thank you, Lord, for providing not only physical nourishment but the people through whom you extend such overflow.

Productive

I am happy to report that today was a very productive day... I submitted the thesis I was helping proofread, and later that day, the journal we publish arrived from the printer. 

The timing of the journal delivery was again providential as I had just texted our printer that very morning to ask how production was going. Lo and behold, they arrive a little before 2 pm--even if our main contact had not received my text message. I am just thrilled when divine coordination is going on...  

And the most significant breakthrough for me was finally getting two critical email addresses I needed to get a particular task done--one I had been asking about for at least a year... Sometimes it can get really tough at work when there is no proper turnover and new staff members (me, three years ago) are left to figure things out based on whatever evidence is around. But now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Wahoo! =)

Earlier this month, the journals for book binding were finished and picked up. Yay! And some publishers we emailed regarding missing issues responded positively.

Ask and you shall receive... below is a picture of a May 17 answered prayer--and answered beyond what we asked because the copies were provided free. Double yay!  

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of work and the grace to be productive at work. Together with Pope Francis, we pray for the unemployed (and under-employed), that they "may receive support and find the work they need to live in dignity."

Beep! Beep! The right jeep is coming down the street...

Last week, I waited for some time for the right jeep to come along on the last leg of the route home. It took so long, my patience ran out. I ended up taking a not-exactly-right jeep part of the way so I can finally get the one I needed.

As I made my way home today, I wondered how difficult it would be at that particular stop. It was drizzling and the P65-umbrella I had bought to replace my lost one was drooping sadly. One spoke was beyond repair and the rest were misshapen and crooked.

But as soon as I had crossed the street, the second jeep that came was exactly what I needed. Yehey!

Sometimes we wait for the right jeep but it doesn't come--then we try another way. It could be more inconvenient but it still gets us to our destination. But sometimes, just when we need it the most, the right jeep comes along at exactly the right time. Providence! 

Thank you, Lord, for making it easy for me to stay dry and get home safely tonight. Hugs!

Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe?

I've been trying something out lately as a vocation exercise: imagining how each path would be like on a humdrum day when there is little consolation, no feelings of being on cloud nine, but just your daily taking up of your cross...  


Option A: Married Life

Imagine you are married to a man you are no longer in love with (i.e., hindi ka na kinikilig, wala na ang gigil factor). Will you still be able to decide to love? Being in love and loving are two different things. Loving might mean doing his laundry, cooking dinner, keeping the house neat, among others, especially when you don't want to. 

Personally, these are chores I find difficult on their own. How much more difficult will they be if the feeling of being in love is not there to nudge me into action? On a humdrum day, will I feel regret that I chose to be married and wish with all my might that I were on a different path altogether? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?


Option B: Religious Life

Imagine you are in a community that is in constant conflict--one faction here, another faction there; one group gossiping here and another criticizing there. Will you still be able to decide to love? 

Right now, that's what I'm attempting to do. Neutrality would seem ideal but how to attain it? It often feels like I'm trying to walk a tightrope between egg shells--and I'm crushing them with my big, awkward feet left and right. Can I still love when people are fighting? The only loving thing I can do right now is pray.

On a humdrum day when my community feels unloving... on a humdrum day when I feel rejected and out of place, will I deeply regret that I chose to be a nun? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?



Option C: Single-blessedness

Imagine you are a consecrated lay person. 

Life can get lonely. Temptations threaten at every corner. You can feel isolated or misunderstood. There will be no family member to care for you when you get sick. But you are free to follow the path you discern God is setting out for you.

In a way, this path is the most difficult to imagine in terms of detail. But at the heart of it, my reality is closest to this... it's what I'm trying to do: living a Christian life as a single person to the best of my ability. 

It is tougher than it looks. Your heart pulls you one way. You're supposed to go in the opposite direction. Your weaknesses and flaws are magnified by constant doubt and fear. People have no idea there can be so much inner turmoil beneath a quiet exterior.


Which path should I choose? 

• I suspect there is a possible option A with J, though it is exactly my lack of romantic feelings for him that inspired this vocation exercise.
  
• Maybe option B can still be explored after I finish my thesis... the sisters who help out at Fazenda have no age limit.
  
• There are so many option C possibilities, it's hard to narrow down right away.  

Which path was I designed to take? Reality wise, the default is option C, sans the consecration. However things may work out, I hope to find the fulfillment of all desire--the fullness of life in Christ, in whatever form it might take. Ultimately, in whatever choice we make, the call is to be faithful. 


Lord, thank you for being faithful even when I am not. Please help me to grow in steadfastness, to do the right thing, and to gracefully let go of those things not meant for me. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Byaheng Tagaytay-Cubao

Yesterday was filled with kilig moments with God...

The dummy for the journal we publish twice a year came the day before and I wanted to finish proofreading it ASAP. So my itinerary was: 1. laundry; 2. Tagaytay (to proofread journal); and 3. back to Manila for the Hillsong United concert at 7:30 pm.

Originally, my intention was to proofread the dummy from 1 pm to 3 pm, and send it to the printer. However, I did not quite manage my time properly. All I could do was pick up the dummy and take the next bus back to Manila. I decided I needed the office laptop with me so I could make corrections right away. So even though I never bring the computer home, I brought it for the first time, despite my own fears about keeping it safe.

As I was on the bus looking down at the bag with worry, I misread the words embroidered on it--Arnold Janssen (it actually says Arnold-Joseph). So I asked for St. Arnold's intercession. 

"This is actually your property," I said to him. "It belongs to one of your sons. I need help to protect it. Please let the bag be unnoticed by criminal elements. Help me to hide the computer so it would not be the first thing seen." (The laptop's whiteness was a stark contrast to the black bag.)

I had mentally discounted the things in my own bag as useful--wallet, kikay kit, alcohol--but after praying, my hand found the folding mermaid bag my cousin gave me for Christmas. Answered prayer! I took it out and used it to cover the white laptop. It was now hidden effectively. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that St. Arnold was on my side in keeping his son's property safe.

***

Upon reaching Cubao, I noticed there was a chapel area in the mall. After a quick stop at the rest room, I took a seat to attend the 6 pm mass. Part of me had misgivings since I was supposed to be meeting J, my concert buddy for the day. We needed to get in line. But the other part argued, if you really want to worship God, how better to do it than by attending mass? She's still some distance away. There should still be time to get into the concert, especially if the mass is a quick one.

So attend mass I did. =)

After the mass, I replied to J's text and soon we met near the entrance to the concert venue. The timing was okay since she had just arrived. But now we were faced with a lack of organization in the lines. As we wandered about, we ran into another friend from the Feast. D is a wonderful woman of worship, with high spirits, and a ready smile. She adopted us into her group, and allowed us into the line. Blessing!

The next kilig moment came as J and I discussed texting my sister and their friend S who had tickets in a different section. We wanted to let them know where we were exactly and find out where they were. As we looked about, they were right below us, also looking about. Wow! Talk about coordinated seating. Thank you, Lord, for aligning our seats!

Worshiping with friends at the Hillsong United concert was a blast! 

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King, Jesus

Thank you, Lord, for generous sisters who are your instruments in bringing us to worship concerts. Thank you for fellow women of worship with whom we can dance, sing, and maybe even cry with before you in abandon. Thank you for your Spirit without whom we cannot hope to pray. Thank you for allowing everything to fall into place. Thank you for refreshing us. Please continue to draw everyone closer to you. You are the fulfillment of all desire. Hallelujah!

Throwing a tantrum

Ever wonder why Moses can complain and God is on his side yet when the Israelites complain, it's considered a sin (see Numbers 11)?

Stephen K. Sherwood writes of the Israelites, “Yhwh did not hear them praying to him but overheard them complaining without trying to communicate with him (Jobling 1986, 29).” * 

In contrast, Moses communicates directly as a prayer. Perhaps it sounds suspiciously like a tantrum to modern ears but the words "your servant," and "If I displease you," indicates deferential language. “Although Moses is angry, he remains respectful because he is addressing God.”**

So when your heart is aching because things are not working out the way you had hoped... and maybe sometimes is silently screaming because there's nowhere safe to confide, direct that screaming heavenward. God can handle it when we cannot.

"Surrender to God, and he will do everything for you." (Liturgy of the Hours)

***

Just recently I found myself facing the possibility of bearing a huge debt (seven digits!) with a friend. Five years ago I had tried to help a friend out in her business. Things did not work out and I accepted my losses though I deeply regretted getting another friend involved who suffered so much more loss because of his involvement. 

It felt utterly unfair that the mall would have applied interest over unpaid dues and then hit us over the head five years later with a seven-digit number... especially since our involvement came from a sincere desire to help out... on my end, it was more moral support and a small amount I could put in (around P20,000) at the time. 

The lesson to me is never be an incorporator for anyone's business unless you really know what you are doing. Don't do it out of friendship because your heartstrings were pulled. The consequences could be so beyond what you sign up for. But that lesson was too late...

All I could do was pray. With a few friends, we have been attempting a seven-day Jericho walk (every Friday, though now they have added Thursday as well) because of conflicts and trials around us. This was one of my own intentions which I carried in my heart.

Last Tuesday, when we met with the collectors, there was light at the end of the tunnel. It's not officially over yet but it would seem to me that perhaps at least the friend I had gotten involved and I will be shown mercy, considering our circumstances. Did I mention that I just finished a rosary before walking into that meeting? 

Sana things will work out also for the friend we had originally intended to help out.

***

That is why I have absolutely no right to be an unforgiving servant. I have been shown great mercy. What else can I do but forgive? And this is also why I cannot feel anything but compassion for people in conflict over financial matters. In a Pollyanna-like way, I always hope for a peaceful resolution and restoration of friendships, if possible. 

***

"Turn away from evil, learn to do God’s will; the Lord will strengthen you if you obey him." (Liturgy of the Hours)

I still have several petitions on my list. But prayer really works miracles. I hope to have more to write about soon because I know God is working breakthroughs for me even if all the doubts and despair try to take my hope from me. The Lord is my shelter, my refuge, and my rock. I am flawed and weak but his strength holds me up. I surrender. May his will be done.


Lord, we don't understand everything. But you work all things for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose. May your will be done. If the desires of our heart are not in accordance with your will, please change our hearts. Let it be yours completely. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.




References:

*Stephen K. Sherwood, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Berit Olam: Studies in Hebrew Narrative and Poetry (Collegeville, Minnesota: The Liturgical Press, 2002), p. 153.

**Baruch A. Levine, Numbers 1-20: A New Translation with Introduction and Commentary, The Anchor Bible (New York: Doubleday, 1993), p. 323.

Perfect timing

A few minutes before noon, I remembered that our journals needed to be picked up from the book binder the following day. I had just copied out the number I needed on the back of the receipt when my boss comes in and asks about it.

"I was just about to call if the journals are ready for pick up," was my ready reply.

Talk about timing! 

Thank you, Lord, for reminding us of the things we are supposed to do at exactly the right moment. Help us to live in the present moment, carry our cross for the day, and follow you--especially when it hurts the most. May your will be done. Amen.  

Laba laba

Monday is laundry day but today, I'm a little lazier than usual. So I started the task late in the morning and finished the coloreds by lunch. The whites could wait 'til after lunch... But then a brownout struck at 12 noon. Oops. So much for that plan. If only I'd gotten over my laziness and finished everything before lunch as usual...

As I did the pre-machine wash ritual (kusot kusot ng kaunti 'pag may time--is that translatable in English?), I regretted my laziness again as I wondered if I'd have to do this batch manually all the way to the end. I squeezed out the soapy water from the last piece of clothing and put it atop the bucket.  

"What do you think? Shall I do it by hand?" I asked my mother who was standing nearby.

"No, let's wait for the lights," she replied. "Just cover it up with a basin."

I took the red basin and placed it atop the bucket. And just like that, I hear the hum of the refrigerator. Yehey! Electricity is back on. Washing machine, here we come!

Lord, thank you for the gift of technology that makes our lives easier. Thank you for the gift of plumbing, clean water, the clothes on our back, laundry detergent and fabric softener. And thank you for electricity coming back on at just the right time. Super thanks! 

Ipis 2

I never thought I'd be writing about cockroaches again immediately following the first story. But when I opened the light to my room, I saw one poised near the ceiling. It was in a definite flying mood and the thought that went through my mind was: am I going to ask God to guide the cockroach out again? Or would that be unfair since it might remain in the living area and scare my housemates as well? 

I decided to take the coward's way out and closed the door behind me. But I guess I had not closed it quickly enough because a few moments later, I heard a fluttering sound—there was the creepy crawler clinging to the curtain (hmmm... pwedeng tongue twister). So again, the prayer in a form of a question... Lord, pwede ba ulit...? 

In answer, the cockroach flew a circle around the room—as well as around my very worried head—and landed on the stairs. Gingerly, I opened the wooden door that led to the garden. Accommodatingly enough, the roach soon flew towards the door and landed on top of it. Then it hopped to the upper part of the outer screen door. I held the wooden door ajar enough for my other hand to keep the screen door slightly open. I turned on the lights outside. One part of me hoped the light would attract the cockroach, but it was more so I could keep an eye on the little bugger. With bated breath I watched it nearing the upper rim of the screen door and... finally sit atop enough so I could effectively nudge it out.

What a sigh of relief!  

Then I sat back in amazement that God would answer my roach-related request again, albeit in a different way. Where the prior cockroach took its zigzaggedy, fluttery time to tour the living/dining area, the latest roach made for the door and exited quickly.

Sometimes God answers in a crooked line--maybe/wait, sometimes it's a straight line--yes. But even if the answer is no, the one sure thing is that it's always answered with love. He always wants what's best for us. 

Thank you, Father, for the yes's, the no's, and the maybe's. May your will, love, and grace prevail always!

Ipis

I dread nothing more than cockroaches--except for maybe flying cockroaches. But I can't bring myself to kill them. So it was not a pleasant feeling to find a potentially flying one crawling around the tiny living room of the apartment I rent with B and S. As it crawled around the door near the kitchen, I asked God if he would guide the cockroach out--maybe by the hinge jamb where I could crush it, though even as I thought it, the idea made me cringe. 

The cockroach went about its business unperturbed, taking its sweet creepy crawly time, going up and falling down (sometimes with a threatening flutter), in a zigzag manner across the room. Eventually, it neared the door leading out of the house. I opened the inner wooden door. It fell upside down beneath it before making its way nearer the outer screen door, which I gingerly unlocked. The cockroach crawled to the corner of the door... I pushed it open, and watched as it slipped out. I quickly shut the screen door in relief.

This reminded me of how God answers our prayers not according to our limited words and understanding of what we think we want (e.g., please let the cockroach be in the kitchen instead of the living room), which may only be a temporary solution. He gives us answers that are better than what we ask for, in accordance with His lavish love. This love is so lavish that things other people will see as trivial, He takes into consideration--even something like a fear of cockroaches. And while we watch things go up and down, in a zigzag manner that sustains our anxiety level, things might actually be falling into place. 

Lord, thanks for taking care of the little things and the big things. Help me to trust in you, to be still and know that you are God, even if everything seems topsy turvy and out of sorts. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Speak, Lord...

Si Lord talaga, grabe mangusap!

After a prolonged absence, I finally attended my first Feast of the year. I had received my first week's wages from going back to part-time work at DWST, so I could pay for transpo and food. Thank you, Lord, for providence!

It was the third talk in the current series, God Exposed: Touch.

Several things struck me as highly personal language between my God and me: 

• the speaker used the term "Kilig moments with God," which is the title of this blog; 
• the talk on vocation struck a nerve yet again, especially when he described the "holy discontent" we experience when we are not heeding the call--recently, I felt that restlessness even in the seminary, but the slight shift in direction seems to have quieted my heart; and
•  the song "Pilgrim's Theme" by Bukas Palad was sung--the song I suggested to KB when we were having yet another heart-to-heart chat at Divine Zeal just the day before. 

Even more helpful was the confession-turned-counseling session with one of the priests at the Feast. He talked to me in a way which I found challenging and insightful. 

In sum, the message God was telling me was: 

• All vocation choices are equal. Religious life is not superior to married life or single blessedness.
• The vocations are parallel roads of loving that lead to the same destination: eternity with God.
• Vocation is the choice to love each day. Whether it is saying yes to God daily as a priest or as someone's wife or as a single person serving her family or community.
• Vocation is a gift. It is not deserved or merited but again a gift by the mercy of God.  
• To be successful at one's vocation, one must remember the source of strength through whom we can do all things: Christ.

The most liberating aspect I think was the priest's advice regarding a bit of turmoil I am undergoing: talk it over with the person concerned. I think I was so afraid I was being a stumbling block to someone, I blocked off any opportunity to talk. But the action step is: talk it over... But be prepared for either outcome. 

* * * * * * 

My aunt and uncle were having a retreat in Tagaytay over the weekend. My uncle texted me to request for two priests for confession. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my phone at the apartment and read the text at 1 am in the morning of Friday, the day they needed the confessors.

When I arrived at the seminary, several priests were in the lobby, including Fr. C, who had been sick but was now recovering. I asked him about the confessors and he recommended two: Fr. M was not available but Fr. P agreed to the 8 pm schedule. 

But then, my uncle texts to say the schedule is 5 pm to 7 pm. Oh no... there are no priests available and Fr. P has not replied whether this change is okay or not. Finally, I surrender, thinking, well that's what happens when you make a request at the last minute. So I text my uncle to relay the most likely scenario that no one can make it; everyone already has appointments. 

When the work day is done, I go up to clock out and find Fr. P there waiting! My jaw drops in gratitude. I call my aunt, let them know we're coming, ask KB for a ride, and off we go. Everything falls into place, especially KB being available and willing with her vehicle. Fr. P arrives at the retreat to save the day! Yay! 

* * * * * *

Thank you, Lord, for confessor priests and for making a way for them to get to where they're needed.

Lord, thank you for the instruments you use to speak to us. Help us to listen and obey.

I especially pray that you would guide me and ___ so we can talk openly and honestly. Grant us the grace to heed your call in the best way. May your perfect will be done. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Tiptoing... trotting...

Relationships are a tricky business especially when the people around you whom you care about are having a serious conflict. 

But I am grateful that despite the complicated situation, the graduation ceremony went off without a hitch and people somehow managed to be around each other despite everything.

Also, a decision to stay with a friend bore fruit in heart-to-heart conversation which eased my own worries and again confirmed my respect and trust in this person. Thanks, KB!

* * * * *

One block away from my house, the happy anticipation of getting home was interrupted with a sudden bump, a screech and yelp of pain--in horror, I saw a puppy looking up at me in fear under the wheel of the tricycle! All I could think at that moment was, "Lord!" and grabbing Jesus' arm. I had no words to plead for the puppy but my emotions did all the talking I think.

Somehow, the puppy escaped and trotted out--I was looking for a limp but, thank God, the cutie seemed fine, though it continued crying. Thank you, Lord, for letting the puppy be okay. Superthanks!!! 

RCF

Only now has it become clear to me how much one shepherd has been laying down his life for his sheep...

Maybe he is not liked by some of his confreres but unlike me, he does not let that stop him.

He will buy a photocopier out of his own money so he can get the best one which will last longer. He will pay the salaries of teachers in an alternative learning system (ALS) so some out of school youth will get a chance for a better future with an education.

And he advocated for me so I can get a master's degree in scripture because he saw my potential. He believed in me even before I did. He has a knack for that, choosing the right people for the right job. He picked a wonderful teacher for the ALS who keeps laying down her life for her students. He picked a critical minded librarian (who topped the license exams for his profession) so the seminary's library can be put in order. He picked a motherly coordinator for the Certificate in Theological Studies program who is able to befriend just about any one. He picks golden-hearted friends who are willing to make and sell candles to support ALS, cook dinner or wash dishes, buy curtains, take care of awards, entertain guests, sell old books, and any manner of service because they see where his heart is.

And he picked me to edit a journal for philosophy and theological studies because I am qualified to do it—I have experience with a national broadsheet and have published books under my name, one of which was hailed as one of the best reads in 2012. He saw I had a passion for scripture and an interest in the Old Testament, which providentially dovetailed with his own specialization.

And even if people around him misinterpret him and think he is some kind of dictator, the people who are in his circle know better. He puts the action in mission.

Perhaps there is a perception that I am not free to make other choices. But I am free. For a time, I was unsure of where to go and what to do with my life. I could not even say for certain that he still wanted me as part of his staff. Dynamics change. I wanted to give him the freedom if he wanted to hire someone else; on my part, I didn't want to be working full time for the seminary anymore. Part of me wanted to go back to the corporate world; another part wanted the convent. Confused might begin to cover it. But now things are becoming clearer.

All things being equal, I would choose him as my boss. It is a free response in thanksgiving for the gift of education he was generous enough to extend to me. I freely chose sacred scripture as my specialization. And I would choose it again. I could spend my life studying scripture and never come close to exhausting its richness.

I am not alone in choosing him back. His loyal right-hand man chooses him back and serves him in any way he can—be it by baking bread to support ALS or cooking dinner or taking the dog for a walk. Our librarian gave up a much more lucrative job to serve in his seminary. Teachers of sacred scripture go all the way to Tagaytay to teach because of their friendship. I would serve him for as long as he is there. 

His critics may continue to criticize. But you have to ask yourself why those who know him like to stick around. That priest has peeled a singkamas and shared half of it with me. I am not that good or humble of a servant. But no task is beneath him. He just happens to have people around him who like to do those things for him (admittedly, I only like to do office-related stuff; maybe I'll wash dishes but no, I can't cook and I dislike cleaning).

Someone might criticize him for not praying with his community enough. I think it is impossible for a man to achieve what he does if he was not secretly praying. And that's how I see his good deeds—done in secret. I think he prays in secret too.

Because of all the man does for me, for ALS, and for CTS, among others, I can't help feeling hurt that maybe some folks do not see him the way I do. I can't help feeling that we, the CTS, are at the periphery of this community. Maybe it's because he sees his service to the seminarians as one of a disciplinarian. That does not make him very popular. But as a teacher in the Certificate in Theological Studies, “a Saturday program open to everyone especially to faith-seekers and laypeople who would like to have a deeper and critical knowledge of the Bible and the Christian faith,” he is a shepherd trying to call the sheep back home. He is all smiles, no grades, and free coffee for the lay. Is it possible that the older brother seminarian is jealous of the younger prodigal child? Why does this shepherd give the younger one free coffee while giving the older brothers a lecture for doing something wrong?

Again, I believe it is how he loves. He expects much from future priests and often gives them the stick. From the lay, he hopes they will continue to deepen in the faith, so he extends the carrot. But if the older brother seminarian would just pluck up the courage to get to know Fr. R, I think he will be surprised to find RCF has a very tender heart.

For everything you do, Fr. R, thanks. You may not get an award from anyone else but we in the CTS love you very much.

Guidance

Last Monday, I was at the Ateneo to listen to the doctoral dissertation of my mentor-boss, Fr. R. When I arrived, the first familiar face I saw was Sr. B, my professor in Pauline literature. Thanks to her, I reached the right room without difficulty. 

After the dissertation, I was going to meet my sister in Makati for our Bible Timeline module, spearheaded by the Light of Jesus Family (LOJ), which was scheduled for that evening. Thanks to my theology classmate (CTS), KB, I got on the right jeep for the most efficient route to the venue. Thanks, KB!

I was being guided to the right places... Sr. B and KB were my guides.

Earlier, during our post-dissertation bonding over Italian food, KB and I were discussing various things. For my part, I shared with her how I was having difficulty figuring out what to do with my life, especially when I finish my thesis. 

I have various options in mind, one of which is if I go back to LOJ (Light of Jesus Family), where and how will I serve? This question seems to be the first one answered...

After the first Bible Timeline session was over, the facilitators for the next 23 weeks were going to be oriented, including my sister. She was inviting me to be a facilitator too but I declined since I preferred to participate first--plus, I used to serve at PICC and planned to serve there again, not at Makati Feast. 

As they were being oriented, I sat at the back and listened--just in case I would be a facilitator in the future. But the person giving the talk remembered me from PICC Feast and called me by name, told everyone basically that I was studying theology, and invited me to sit up front and be a facilitator as well. How could I say no?  I'd like to think of it as an answered prayer in my asking God about where he wants me to go next and how I can use what has been given to me. The happiness in my heart was overflowing... I realized as I was doing the assignment later in the week that my studies in sacred scripture would allow me to be a well-informed facilitator. Finally... a venue to share some of the things I have been blessed to learn!

Still, I am so conflicted at the moment. I want to serve the mentor who has so generously supported my studies. I am also being invited to serve in another department in the seminary. And still another colleague from media is inviting me to go back to our company. 

Maybe I have crossed off one option... May is approaching. That is the time when the ASSJM will be receiving aspirants. If I'm going to give religious life a try, this would have been the ideal time to take the leap. However, since I committed to the LOJ bible study, I have in fact effectively chosen to remain outside. Besides, the possibility of sharing some Hebrew or Greek or ANE knowledge with LOJ filled me with such joy, I can only surmise it was divine inspiration guiding me to the right path. 

The remaining uncertainty is a tense knot in my being. I don't know what to do. How do I make this decision? However, I will try to remember... when I seek the Kingdom of God, he will not let me go unguided. He will let himself be found. He will lead me to the right choices, the right places, the right people. 

In the meantime, I will heed my mother's advice: finish your thesis!

Lord, thank you for the successful defense of Fr. Dr. RCF. Thank you for giving him to us as a guide to sacred scripture, together with all of our talented professors over the past three years: Fr. T, Sr. B, Sr. M, Sr. N, and so many more...  

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to study. Please help me to make the best decision regarding how to use your blessings for your purpose... what to do... where to serve... and please, please provide for my finances. Breaking point na ko, Lord. Kayo na sana bahala. I surrender the uncertainty of everything into your merciful hands. May your will be done. Amen.  

Summoning Le Chink

It was during Sunday lunch when I confronted my sister with the feelings I had been holding in for the past two months. It was not well said, not at all diplomatic, and not well received.

However, like divine intervention whispering in his ear, my good friend Le Chink texts me soon after and we agree to meet up later and go to mass. We have a lovely dinner, conversation that relieves me of my stress and worries, and a ride home to boot because he was giving me a lovely bouquet of chicos. 

"Sorry, they're not roses," he says.

"I prefer these to roses," I grin. "But you promised me two boxes," I pretend to complain. He is giving me two bags. 

Bwahahaha! 

Chico monster is very happy and laughs like an evil villain in a play--except there is no villainy. Just a very happy chico monster looking forward to eating a lot of chicos.

And today I am reconciled with my sister. Yahoo! I feel very blessed indeed. The knot in my heart has been released. I am feeling very, very happy. 

Thank you, Lord, for good friends with impeccable timing who see us through bumps in the road. And thank you for sisters who forgive us for saying hurtful things. Thank you for sisters we can argue with. Thank you for sisters we can reconcile with. Hugs! 

Heroes of Hope - Part 7

There are many people to thank and honor... the carpenters who worked regardless of the rain and lack of raincoats in the first weeks... and who gave up their New Year with their families. 

The volunteers who were not individually named... for their thoughtful deeds and cheerful demeanor at all times. Thank you.

In total, the mission assisted 89 houses. It's funny how some people seem to expect you to do more. I believe it's about doing what you can, even in the face of what seems insurmountable. 

The mission has concluded and everyone is in their respective homes where they ought to be. Right now, useful relief goods would include candles and matches. If someone reading this blog wants to replicate what Fazenda has done, one of the first things to consider would be where to stay while in the mission field. The Fazenda team hired carpenters from their area and invited volunteers for support. The professional carpenters did the essential roofing work while volunteers did what they could to hep out. And the community from Brazil raised funds to buy the necessary materials. Everything came together. 

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings. Thank you for allowing us to participate in this mission. Please continue using our five loaves and two fish. Please continue providing for those in need. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Heroes of Hope - Fr. John

Just picked up from the airport, Fr. John is still in his traveling clothes.

I know a lot of good priests and see them in action everyday but I don't take their pictures while they're doing it. Still, it would be good to honor one. It's always a delight to see a good and holy priest in action outside of the liturgical celebration.

Fr. John arrived a day before our last working day in Tacloban. However briefly, it was nice to meet him.

Thank you, Fr. John, for your presence, the spiritual support and words of wisdom during and outside of mass, especially for allaying our doubts about how insignificant our participation was. Thank you also for the raincoats. May God continue using you as a shepherd of his people. God bless and keep you always!