I've been trying something out lately as a vocation exercise: imagining how each path would be like on a humdrum day when there is little consolation, no feelings of being on cloud nine, but just your daily taking up of your cross...
Option A: Married Life
Imagine you are married to a man you are no longer in love with (i.e., hindi ka na kinikilig, wala na ang gigil factor). Will you still be able to decide to love? Being in love and loving are two different things. Loving might mean doing his laundry, cooking dinner, keeping the house neat, among others, especially when you don't want to.
Personally, these are chores I find difficult on their own. How much more difficult will they be if the feeling of being in love is not there to nudge me into action? On a humdrum day, will I feel regret that I chose to be married and wish with all my might that I were on a different path altogether? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?
Option B: Religious Life
Imagine you are in a community that is in constant conflict--one faction here, another faction there; one group gossiping here and another criticizing there. Will you still be able to decide to love?
Right now, that's what I'm attempting to do. Neutrality would seem ideal but how to attain it? It often feels like I'm trying to walk a tightrope between egg shells--and I'm crushing them with my big, awkward feet left and right. Can I still love when people are fighting? The only loving thing I can do right now is pray.
On a humdrum day when my community feels unloving... on a humdrum day when I feel rejected and out of place, will I deeply regret that I chose to be a nun? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?
Option C: Single-blessedness
Imagine you are a consecrated lay person.
Life can get lonely. Temptations threaten at every corner. You can feel isolated or misunderstood. There will be no family member to care for you when you get sick. But you are free to follow the path you discern God is setting out for you.
In a way, this path is the most difficult to imagine in terms of detail. But at the heart of it, my reality is closest to this... it's what I'm trying to do: living a Christian life as a single person to the best of my ability.
It is tougher than it looks. Your heart pulls you one way. You're supposed to go in the opposite direction. Your weaknesses and flaws are magnified by constant doubt and fear. People have no idea there can be so much inner turmoil beneath a quiet exterior.
Which path should I choose?
Which path was I designed to take? Reality wise, the default is option C, sans the consecration. However things may work out, I hope to find the fulfillment of all desire--the fullness of life in Christ, in whatever form it might take. Ultimately, in whatever choice we make, the call is to be faithful.
Lord, thank you for being faithful even when I am not. Please help me to grow in steadfastness, to do the right thing, and to gracefully let go of those things not meant for me. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Option A: Married Life
Imagine you are married to a man you are no longer in love with (i.e., hindi ka na kinikilig, wala na ang gigil factor). Will you still be able to decide to love? Being in love and loving are two different things. Loving might mean doing his laundry, cooking dinner, keeping the house neat, among others, especially when you don't want to.
Personally, these are chores I find difficult on their own. How much more difficult will they be if the feeling of being in love is not there to nudge me into action? On a humdrum day, will I feel regret that I chose to be married and wish with all my might that I were on a different path altogether? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?
Option B: Religious Life
Imagine you are in a community that is in constant conflict--one faction here, another faction there; one group gossiping here and another criticizing there. Will you still be able to decide to love?
Right now, that's what I'm attempting to do. Neutrality would seem ideal but how to attain it? It often feels like I'm trying to walk a tightrope between egg shells--and I'm crushing them with my big, awkward feet left and right. Can I still love when people are fighting? The only loving thing I can do right now is pray.
On a humdrum day when my community feels unloving... on a humdrum day when I feel rejected and out of place, will I deeply regret that I chose to be a nun? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?
Option C: Single-blessedness
Imagine you are a consecrated lay person.
Life can get lonely. Temptations threaten at every corner. You can feel isolated or misunderstood. There will be no family member to care for you when you get sick. But you are free to follow the path you discern God is setting out for you.
In a way, this path is the most difficult to imagine in terms of detail. But at the heart of it, my reality is closest to this... it's what I'm trying to do: living a Christian life as a single person to the best of my ability.
It is tougher than it looks. Your heart pulls you one way. You're supposed to go in the opposite direction. Your weaknesses and flaws are magnified by constant doubt and fear. People have no idea there can be so much inner turmoil beneath a quiet exterior.
Which path should I choose?
- I suspect there is a possible option A with J, though it is exactly my lack of romantic feelings for him that inspired this vocation exercise.
- Maybe option B can still be explored after I finish my thesis... the sisters who help out at Fazenda have no age limit.
- There are so many option C possibilities, it's hard to narrow down right away.
Which path was I designed to take? Reality wise, the default is option C, sans the consecration. However things may work out, I hope to find the fulfillment of all desire--the fullness of life in Christ, in whatever form it might take. Ultimately, in whatever choice we make, the call is to be faithful.
Lord, thank you for being faithful even when I am not. Please help me to grow in steadfastness, to do the right thing, and to gracefully let go of those things not meant for me. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment