Despite all my good intentions, I fell for a man I cannot be with... the most telling circumstance being that he is in a committed relationship that will be permanent in a year or two.
Logic and morality are clearly on one side. Emotions are on the other. This week has been the most miserable so far... My heart still insists on wanting the wrong thing.
But God continues to gently whisper to me even in the midst of my tears. This blog on vocation had me thinking as it posed a most challenging question: "The central question in discernment is: How shall I die with Christ, to rise with him? How will I lose my life to find it? What will bring me to the point where I can say, with St. Paul: “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me”?."
Of course reading a blog, no matter how beautiful, is not necessarily enough to make things better. Just as reading all these inspirational quotes on Facebook or posting reminders to myself to move on is sometimes not enough.
But as I was riding the jeep home tonight, God reminded me... offer it up.
I had been denying my heart without offering God my pain. I had forgotten. All I could feel was my own weakness screaming for release. My focus had been completely on how I had to stay away. Deny myself. Take up the cross. Die on the cross. But how can I even begin to carry the cross except as a participation in the strength of Christ who did it perfectly?
Yes, I pray. Grace still sees me through despite myself. How else have I fumbled through the week without any outer mishap? All the turmoil is inside.
Ah, but the reminder to offer it up has greatly eased my misery. Misery that has lost sight of its redemptive value is just too burdensome. But suffering offered up... the burden is lighter because Christ has borne it all and continues to bear it with me. I am merely participating.
Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to participate in Calvary in my own little way. I offer up all my heartaches, big and small, together with the perfect offering of your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world. For the sake of his sorrowful passion... have mercy on us and on the whole world. Amen.
Logic and morality are clearly on one side. Emotions are on the other. This week has been the most miserable so far... My heart still insists on wanting the wrong thing.
But God continues to gently whisper to me even in the midst of my tears. This blog on vocation had me thinking as it posed a most challenging question: "The central question in discernment is: How shall I die with Christ, to rise with him? How will I lose my life to find it? What will bring me to the point where I can say, with St. Paul: “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me”?."
Of course reading a blog, no matter how beautiful, is not necessarily enough to make things better. Just as reading all these inspirational quotes on Facebook or posting reminders to myself to move on is sometimes not enough.
But as I was riding the jeep home tonight, God reminded me... offer it up.
I had been denying my heart without offering God my pain. I had forgotten. All I could feel was my own weakness screaming for release. My focus had been completely on how I had to stay away. Deny myself. Take up the cross. Die on the cross. But how can I even begin to carry the cross except as a participation in the strength of Christ who did it perfectly?
Yes, I pray. Grace still sees me through despite myself. How else have I fumbled through the week without any outer mishap? All the turmoil is inside.
Ah, but the reminder to offer it up has greatly eased my misery. Misery that has lost sight of its redemptive value is just too burdensome. But suffering offered up... the burden is lighter because Christ has borne it all and continues to bear it with me. I am merely participating.
Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to participate in Calvary in my own little way. I offer up all my heartaches, big and small, together with the perfect offering of your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world. For the sake of his sorrowful passion... have mercy on us and on the whole world. Amen.
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