Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe?

I've been trying something out lately as a vocation exercise: imagining how each path would be like on a humdrum day when there is little consolation, no feelings of being on cloud nine, but just your daily taking up of your cross...  


Option A: Married Life

Imagine you are married to a man you are no longer in love with (i.e., hindi ka na kinikilig, wala na ang gigil factor). Will you still be able to decide to love? Being in love and loving are two different things. Loving might mean doing his laundry, cooking dinner, keeping the house neat, among others, especially when you don't want to. 

Personally, these are chores I find difficult on their own. How much more difficult will they be if the feeling of being in love is not there to nudge me into action? On a humdrum day, will I feel regret that I chose to be married and wish with all my might that I were on a different path altogether? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?


Option B: Religious Life

Imagine you are in a community that is in constant conflict--one faction here, another faction there; one group gossiping here and another criticizing there. Will you still be able to decide to love? 

Right now, that's what I'm attempting to do. Neutrality would seem ideal but how to attain it? It often feels like I'm trying to walk a tightrope between egg shells--and I'm crushing them with my big, awkward feet left and right. Can I still love when people are fighting? The only loving thing I can do right now is pray.

On a humdrum day when my community feels unloving... on a humdrum day when I feel rejected and out of place, will I deeply regret that I chose to be a nun? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?



Option C: Single-blessedness

Imagine you are a consecrated lay person. 

Life can get lonely. Temptations threaten at every corner. You can feel isolated or misunderstood. There will be no family member to care for you when you get sick. But you are free to follow the path you discern God is setting out for you.

In a way, this path is the most difficult to imagine in terms of detail. But at the heart of it, my reality is closest to this... it's what I'm trying to do: living a Christian life as a single person to the best of my ability. 

It is tougher than it looks. Your heart pulls you one way. You're supposed to go in the opposite direction. Your weaknesses and flaws are magnified by constant doubt and fear. People have no idea there can be so much inner turmoil beneath a quiet exterior.


Which path should I choose? 

• I suspect there is a possible option A with J, though it is exactly my lack of romantic feelings for him that inspired this vocation exercise.
  
• Maybe option B can still be explored after I finish my thesis... the sisters who help out at Fazenda have no age limit.
  
• There are so many option C possibilities, it's hard to narrow down right away.  

Which path was I designed to take? Reality wise, the default is option C, sans the consecration. However things may work out, I hope to find the fulfillment of all desire--the fullness of life in Christ, in whatever form it might take. Ultimately, in whatever choice we make, the call is to be faithful. 


Lord, thank you for being faithful even when I am not. Please help me to grow in steadfastness, to do the right thing, and to gracefully let go of those things not meant for me. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Byaheng Tagaytay-Cubao

Yesterday was filled with kilig moments with God...

The dummy for the journal we publish twice a year came the day before and I wanted to finish proofreading it ASAP. So my itinerary was: 1. laundry; 2. Tagaytay (to proofread journal); and 3. back to Manila for the Hillsong United concert at 7:30 pm.

Originally, my intention was to proofread the dummy from 1 pm to 3 pm, and send it to the printer. However, I did not quite manage my time properly. All I could do was pick up the dummy and take the next bus back to Manila. I decided I needed the office laptop with me so I could make corrections right away. So even though I never bring the computer home, I brought it for the first time, despite my own fears about keeping it safe.

As I was on the bus looking down at the bag with worry, I misread the words embroidered on it--Arnold Janssen (it actually says Arnold-Joseph). So I asked for St. Arnold's intercession. 

"This is actually your property," I said to him. "It belongs to one of your sons. I need help to protect it. Please let the bag be unnoticed by criminal elements. Help me to hide the computer so it would not be the first thing seen." (The laptop's whiteness was a stark contrast to the black bag.)

I had mentally discounted the things in my own bag as useful--wallet, kikay kit, alcohol--but after praying, my hand found the folding mermaid bag my cousin gave me for Christmas. Answered prayer! I took it out and used it to cover the white laptop. It was now hidden effectively. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that St. Arnold was on my side in keeping his son's property safe.

***

Upon reaching Cubao, I noticed there was a chapel area in the mall. After a quick stop at the rest room, I took a seat to attend the 6 pm mass. Part of me had misgivings since I was supposed to be meeting J, my concert buddy for the day. We needed to get in line. But the other part argued, if you really want to worship God, how better to do it than by attending mass? She's still some distance away. There should still be time to get into the concert, especially if the mass is a quick one.

So attend mass I did. =)

After the mass, I replied to J's text and soon we met near the entrance to the concert venue. The timing was okay since she had just arrived. But now we were faced with a lack of organization in the lines. As we wandered about, we ran into another friend from the Feast. D is a wonderful woman of worship, with high spirits, and a ready smile. She adopted us into her group, and allowed us into the line. Blessing!

The next kilig moment came as J and I discussed texting my sister and their friend S who had tickets in a different section. We wanted to let them know where we were exactly and find out where they were. As we looked about, they were right below us, also looking about. Wow! Talk about coordinated seating. Thank you, Lord, for aligning our seats!

Worshiping with friends at the Hillsong United concert was a blast! 

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King, Jesus

Thank you, Lord, for generous sisters who are your instruments in bringing us to worship concerts. Thank you for fellow women of worship with whom we can dance, sing, and maybe even cry with before you in abandon. Thank you for your Spirit without whom we cannot hope to pray. Thank you for allowing everything to fall into place. Thank you for refreshing us. Please continue to draw everyone closer to you. You are the fulfillment of all desire. Hallelujah!

Throwing a tantrum

Ever wonder why Moses can complain and God is on his side yet when the Israelites complain, it's considered a sin (see Numbers 11)?

Stephen K. Sherwood writes of the Israelites, “Yhwh did not hear them praying to him but overheard them complaining without trying to communicate with him (Jobling 1986, 29).” * 

In contrast, Moses communicates directly as a prayer. Perhaps it sounds suspiciously like a tantrum to modern ears but the words "your servant," and "If I displease you," indicates deferential language. “Although Moses is angry, he remains respectful because he is addressing God.”**

So when your heart is aching because things are not working out the way you had hoped... and maybe sometimes is silently screaming because there's nowhere safe to confide, direct that screaming heavenward. God can handle it when we cannot.

"Surrender to God, and he will do everything for you." (Liturgy of the Hours)

***

Just recently I found myself facing the possibility of bearing a huge debt (seven digits!) with a friend. Five years ago I had tried to help a friend out in her business. Things did not work out and I accepted my losses though I deeply regretted getting another friend involved who suffered so much more loss because of his involvement. 

It felt utterly unfair that the mall would have applied interest over unpaid dues and then hit us over the head five years later with a seven-digit number... especially since our involvement came from a sincere desire to help out... on my end, it was more moral support and a small amount I could put in (around P20,000) at the time. 

The lesson to me is never be an incorporator for anyone's business unless you really know what you are doing. Don't do it out of friendship because your heartstrings were pulled. The consequences could be so beyond what you sign up for. But that lesson was too late...

All I could do was pray. With a few friends, we have been attempting a seven-day Jericho walk (every Friday, though now they have added Thursday as well) because of conflicts and trials around us. This was one of my own intentions which I carried in my heart.

Last Tuesday, when we met with the collectors, there was light at the end of the tunnel. It's not officially over yet but it would seem to me that perhaps at least the friend I had gotten involved and I will be shown mercy, considering our circumstances. Did I mention that I just finished a rosary before walking into that meeting? 

Sana things will work out also for the friend we had originally intended to help out.

***

That is why I have absolutely no right to be an unforgiving servant. I have been shown great mercy. What else can I do but forgive? And this is also why I cannot feel anything but compassion for people in conflict over financial matters. In a Pollyanna-like way, I always hope for a peaceful resolution and restoration of friendships, if possible. 

***

"Turn away from evil, learn to do God’s will; the Lord will strengthen you if you obey him." (Liturgy of the Hours)

I still have several petitions on my list. But prayer really works miracles. I hope to have more to write about soon because I know God is working breakthroughs for me even if all the doubts and despair try to take my hope from me. The Lord is my shelter, my refuge, and my rock. I am flawed and weak but his strength holds me up. I surrender. May his will be done.


Lord, we don't understand everything. But you work all things for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose. May your will be done. If the desires of our heart are not in accordance with your will, please change our hearts. Let it be yours completely. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.




References:

*Stephen K. Sherwood, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Berit Olam: Studies in Hebrew Narrative and Poetry (Collegeville, Minnesota: The Liturgical Press, 2002), p. 153.

**Baruch A. Levine, Numbers 1-20: A New Translation with Introduction and Commentary, The Anchor Bible (New York: Doubleday, 1993), p. 323.

Perfect timing

A few minutes before noon, I remembered that our journals needed to be picked up from the book binder the following day. I had just copied out the number I needed on the back of the receipt when my boss comes in and asks about it.

"I was just about to call if the journals are ready for pick up," was my ready reply.

Talk about timing! 

Thank you, Lord, for reminding us of the things we are supposed to do at exactly the right moment. Help us to live in the present moment, carry our cross for the day, and follow you--especially when it hurts the most. May your will be done. Amen.  

Laba laba

Monday is laundry day but today, I'm a little lazier than usual. So I started the task late in the morning and finished the coloreds by lunch. The whites could wait 'til after lunch... But then a brownout struck at 12 noon. Oops. So much for that plan. If only I'd gotten over my laziness and finished everything before lunch as usual...

As I did the pre-machine wash ritual (kusot kusot ng kaunti 'pag may time--is that translatable in English?), I regretted my laziness again as I wondered if I'd have to do this batch manually all the way to the end. I squeezed out the soapy water from the last piece of clothing and put it atop the bucket.  

"What do you think? Shall I do it by hand?" I asked my mother who was standing nearby.

"No, let's wait for the lights," she replied. "Just cover it up with a basin."

I took the red basin and placed it atop the bucket. And just like that, I hear the hum of the refrigerator. Yehey! Electricity is back on. Washing machine, here we come!

Lord, thank you for the gift of technology that makes our lives easier. Thank you for the gift of plumbing, clean water, the clothes on our back, laundry detergent and fabric softener. And thank you for electricity coming back on at just the right time. Super thanks! 

Ipis 2

I never thought I'd be writing about cockroaches again immediately following the first story. But when I opened the light to my room, I saw one poised near the ceiling. It was in a definite flying mood and the thought that went through my mind was: am I going to ask God to guide the cockroach out again? Or would that be unfair since it might remain in the living area and scare my housemates as well? 

I decided to take the coward's way out and closed the door behind me. But I guess I had not closed it quickly enough because a few moments later, I heard a fluttering sound—there was the creepy crawler clinging to the curtain (hmmm... pwedeng tongue twister). So again, the prayer in a form of a question... Lord, pwede ba ulit...? 

In answer, the cockroach flew a circle around the room—as well as around my very worried head—and landed on the stairs. Gingerly, I opened the wooden door that led to the garden. Accommodatingly enough, the roach soon flew towards the door and landed on top of it. Then it hopped to the upper part of the outer screen door. I held the wooden door ajar enough for my other hand to keep the screen door slightly open. I turned on the lights outside. One part of me hoped the light would attract the cockroach, but it was more so I could keep an eye on the little bugger. With bated breath I watched it nearing the upper rim of the screen door and... finally sit atop enough so I could effectively nudge it out.

What a sigh of relief!  

Then I sat back in amazement that God would answer my roach-related request again, albeit in a different way. Where the prior cockroach took its zigzaggedy, fluttery time to tour the living/dining area, the latest roach made for the door and exited quickly.

Sometimes God answers in a crooked line--maybe/wait, sometimes it's a straight line--yes. But even if the answer is no, the one sure thing is that it's always answered with love. He always wants what's best for us. 

Thank you, Father, for the yes's, the no's, and the maybe's. May your will, love, and grace prevail always!

Ipis

I dread nothing more than cockroaches--except for maybe flying cockroaches. But I can't bring myself to kill them. So it was not a pleasant feeling to find a potentially flying one crawling around the tiny living room of the apartment I rent with B and S. As it crawled around the door near the kitchen, I asked God if he would guide the cockroach out--maybe by the hinge jamb where I could crush it, though even as I thought it, the idea made me cringe. 

The cockroach went about its business unperturbed, taking its sweet creepy crawly time, going up and falling down (sometimes with a threatening flutter), in a zigzag manner across the room. Eventually, it neared the door leading out of the house. I opened the inner wooden door. It fell upside down beneath it before making its way nearer the outer screen door, which I gingerly unlocked. The cockroach crawled to the corner of the door... I pushed it open, and watched as it slipped out. I quickly shut the screen door in relief.

This reminded me of how God answers our prayers not according to our limited words and understanding of what we think we want (e.g., please let the cockroach be in the kitchen instead of the living room), which may only be a temporary solution. He gives us answers that are better than what we ask for, in accordance with His lavish love. This love is so lavish that things other people will see as trivial, He takes into consideration--even something like a fear of cockroaches. And while we watch things go up and down, in a zigzag manner that sustains our anxiety level, things might actually be falling into place. 

Lord, thanks for taking care of the little things and the big things. Help me to trust in you, to be still and know that you are God, even if everything seems topsy turvy and out of sorts. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.