Gratitude Journal Entry 1

I am renting bedspace in a room for four at P1,000 a month. I could look at all the minuses but as I was lying in bed last night, I realized I was surrounded by blessings...

Thank you, Lord, for...

• Roslyn who gave me the blue sea-themed pillowcase that now serve as a curtain for my bed;
• Ate Fely who bought and shared buko pie the other day, and from whom I got the blue straw to tie up the curtain with;
• Tita Beth for the cute, comfy, purple pillow;
• The SVD Christmas party where I got the blue bedsheet and pillowcases;
• Tita Alice who gave the big Snoopy towel one Christmas;
• Estie who gave me an NRSV Bible;
• Jane for my shorts;
• Ron for the purple and pink batik cloths that serve as blankets;
• and the various sources of income which allowed me to buy my knapsack, plastic container of food, glass, water, office bag, and other stuff. 

Thank you, Lord, for everything! 

Providence, providence, and providence...

The Religious of the Virgin Mary (RVM) adopted me for six months since I started studying and working at DWST. They not only housed and fed me--they cared for me, asked me if I'd had dinner or breakfast, repainted a room for me to use, listened to me, shared their stories, and prayed for me. I was superblessed. 

Betania, Tagaytay. Picture taken from their website:  
http://www.rvmonline.net/   

Thank you RVM Sisters for welcoming me into the house of God. I was so lavished with his love. May he be the one to thank you on my behalf and return to you a thousand-fold what you have so generously shared with me. 

Sr. Paeng, RVM, during Tagaytay Youth Day. 
Photo by Cris Pahilan.

If you need times of refreshing in the presence of God, why not try a retreat at Betania? The rates are reasonable, accommodations are very comfortable, the grounds are conducive for quiet reflection and appreciation of God's creation, and the food is yummy!




Betania Retreat House, Tagaytay
 "A refreshing Oasis where one can Listen and Create an inner space in one’s busy life"


Other Services:


Solitude Retreat
One-day, two-day Recollection
8-day Directed Retreat
30-day Directed Retreat
Preached - Guided Retreat
Counseling
Family Retreat
For information and reservations, please write or call:


The Retreat Director
Betania Retreat House
J.P. Rizal Ave., Maharlika West 4120, Tagaytay City
Tel. No. (046) 483-1310
Fax No. (046) 483-2604
Mobile +639195721331


(http://www.rvmonline.net/?q=node/161)

Cinderella moment

• Wow... the sem is almost over and I was not able to blog for four months. I had some adjusting to do, working and studying at the same time. But it was such a privilege. Scholar ako ng Tatay ko sa langit [I'm a scholar of my heavenly father]. The SVD fathers provide the education and the livelihood while the RVM sisters give me a home away from home at their Betania Retreat House. How these things came together, I can only be grateful. May God bless their generosity a hundredfold.  
  
• The amazing thing is God never stops. He still continues to surprise me. And the little surprises are what I like best. This is the latest one...

• After four months of work, I decided I could afford a pair of shoes. So I was at Robinson's Department Store at Festival Mall, Alabang and had picked out a pair of Rusty Lopez shoes. They have this particular type of heel which I find very durable, so I was willing to pay the P600 it would cost.
  
  When I got to the counter, the register said it cost P199.75. So I pointed it out to the cashier that there might have been a mistake. But it turns out the shoes were on sale. Whoa!!! 60% off!!! Music to a girl's ears!
  
  I can't help smiling and thanking God... for the past months, I've been carefully watching my budget and wanted to keep my shoes at P200. But the last one I bought at P75 gave out after only a week of use. So I decided I needed to buy something of quality even if it cost a little more. But it turns out, I was still within my P200 budget! Thanks, Lord. I feel like Cinderella after the shoe fit. =)

Blessings in uncertainty

• Rivers of blessing are being poured out onto me and my family. I think the most significant one is that we got to spend time with family who are usually far away. A cousin and his family from the US are visiting... I met a cute niece I've never seen before apart from FB photos. My brother came home for a week-long vacation. We spent time with both clans from the maternal and paternal side. What a great birth month. Thank you, Lord. 

• My parents will be going on a trip to the Holy Land. Wow! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of life, for my parents and for their love. Please continue blessing and protecting them, and all their companions on this pilgrimage. We entrust them into Your most loving hands.
  
• College friends treated me to watch Sound of Music at Resorts World. We had a lovely dinner at Red Crab. And lots of yummy cake from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Happy birthday to me! Thank you, Lord!

What prompted me to write today, however, was how someone I love dearly reacted negatively to a blessing when I had just received it and was feeling joy.

In my studying theology, I will be working as a staff member of the library and receiving a small amount. I think of myself as a working student assistant. Actually, I felt very happy when my priest-professor was telling me about it. But my sister, ever practical and concerned about me, was belittling the amount, criticizing how poor a negotiator I am, etc. Boy, was it taking the joyful air out of my balloon.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that I am a people pleaser and the source of my anguish is trying to please those I love when, in my following God, all I face is uncertainty. I have accepted the darkness of uncertainty as part of my journey but I have not accepted that there will be voices speaking against such uncertainty apart from my own. I have to listen to God and be faithful despite how these voices echo my own fear. I am on a journey of uncertainty. 

Lord, grant me ears to hear Your voice above all others and to trust that as I take one step at a time into darkness, You are always by my side. Even if I don't know where this is all going, You have a plan. I trust You even when those around me echo my own fears. I trust You.

Waiting open-endedly

Wow... just time traveled via journal entries. Wrote quotes that struck me from reading "The Path of Waiting" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I jotted it down 14 years ago but reading it recently struck me again. In the spiraling upward in search of God, I guess I'm somewhere similar to where I was 14 years ago. But even if it feels like a circle, I know better. I spiraled upward. Now I'm waiting again... sana with stronger faith and hope because I've seen God work in my life in the past 14 years. I know He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Thank you, Lord!

Quotes in journal, undated (est 1997):

"what they are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they are standing... The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it."

"... patience... willingness to stay where we are and live... situation out to the full... (until?) something hidden there will manifest itself to us."

"Much of our waiting is full of wishes... our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes... We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair."

"But Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon, and Anna were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended."

"Mary... was saying 'I don't know what this all means, but I trust that good things will happen.' She trusted so deeply that her waiting was open to all possibilities."

Notes to self: Wait open-endedly, give up control of our future, let God define our life. God molds us according to His perfect love, not according to our fear.

New direction has come into my life. I will be taking up further studies in theology at the Divine Word Seminary in Tagaytay. 

From the liturgy of the hours: Wisdom of God, be with me, always at work in me.

Lord, I dedicate my studies to You. Grant me Your wisdom and knowledge that these further studies might be a pleasing offering to You. Grant me a deep hunger for You. Grant me the grace to love You with all my mind. But most of all make me a doer of Your Word, to love You in thought, word and action, and to love those around me as I love myself. May this not be a purely intellectual exercise but I beg You, make me a better follower of You. May I be Yours to do with as You please. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

The Vocation Question

Am I supposed to get married, stay single or be a nun? What do I do with my life?


In an attempt to answer my question, I stayed for seven days (with one day actually spent in Theology class) with the Augustinian Sisters Servants of Jesus and Mary.


I was assigned to read Mark 6: 45-52. The first day I was reflecting on this, the phrase that struck me was about their hearts being hardened. To protect myself, I had been hardening my heart towards a particular man whom in truth, my heart is set on but against whom I put up my walls. 


During my prayer time, a memory came flashing back about this time I prayed for a man I did not know. While praying for him, I received an impression: "This man will be your husband." At the time, I argued with God (I believed it was God) because I was with (or maybe was almost with... I can't quite recall) my boyfriend at the time. In any case, I was thinking it was the same man my heart is set on today. Let's just call him CK for future reference.


While I stayed in the house of God, it just struck me what a privilege it was to sleep in such a house where the tabernacle is. On my last three days, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would just sit there in God's presence. I did not wake up on my own. It was like God tugging at my sleeve asking for a date even if I would say, antok ako Lord. Ang kulit. Ang saya. Yes, Jesus loves me tremendously.


So my heart is divided between how attractive religious life is to me today and how set my heart has been and continues to be set on CK.


The religious sister guiding me discussed an action step I can take to clarify my discernment. Details to follow when the action has been done and the next page unfolds.


In the meantime, this is what God assured me of during the search-in. He will be with me in whatever path I choose.


Sr. Sayong told me that our primary vocation is to be holy. Secondary vocation lang ang marriage, single-blessedness or religious life. 

While browsing online this morning (seven days without an internet connection was probably the toughest thing for me during the search-in, hehe), I ran into this article http://www.catholic.com/magazine/articles/a-meditation-on-a-mature-marriage which made me think... the common denominator among the vocations is sacrificial love. 

I felt assurance from God that one vocation is not necessarily superior to another. I am free to choose. But which vocation is really for me, suited for me, so I can be holy? Which path of service on the way to holiness will bless the world in Jesus' name?


Sr. Sayong also said if in entering the religious life you become a baser person instead of a more holy person, it would be better for you not to enter. 


So now I have a better perspective on the whole thing but still no clear-cut path. 


Father, please empower me to follow the way of sacrificial love wherever it may lead. To follow the poor, chaste and obedient Jesus wherever you want me to go, by your grace. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.


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On a last-minute decision, my brother came home briefly during the weekend I was with the Augustinians. I was resigned to the fact that I would not see him but by the grace of God, I was able to see him for a few minutes, give him a hug and ask him to pray for me. Unplanned and unexpected. Thank you, Lord =)

Discernment

• Last Thursday, our music ministry head gave us an assessment. I was told I needed to embrace authority more. I agree with her assessment but it made me question whether I was really in the right ministry.
  I used to embrace authority when I was in the intercessory ministry. No problem there. Maybe I should move on from the music ministry to somewhere else?
  A friend said of course, it's harder to embrace authority while you're on stage versus when you're praying privately in your own room. It doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong ministry, it could be that you just need to give it time so you can get better.
• Someone gave me an Ipod, the kind you can program with playlists. I was grateful. This would be useful in learning songs. I was looking forward to using it. It got stolen before I could.
  Prior to that I was asking God if the gift was a sign I should continue being in the music min. Funny.
• Yesterday, I felt I was having an off day during the service. I could not explain it. It was like the anointing was gone. I'd like to think my heart is still the same but the external aspect of it just didn't follow.
• During the same assessment given by our music min head, we were given time off from the morning service so we would miss being part of the frontliners. But I don't miss that part. I missed being part of the chorus but I somehow still botched that despite my desire to do well. I was at my worst. Why???
• I will soon be replaced as coordinator of the chorus. I have already indicated my intention to leave other Feast-related groups that I serve. So there is time and space for me to make a move to wherever God wants me to go...

• On the other hand, two weeks ago, my theology professor asked me to give a report on Ruth. I don't think he's done that for this semester so I'm feeling rather privileged. Maybe I'm doing something right.
• Last Saturday, I sang during the mass for our theology group. People were very appreciative. I missed singing liturgical songs in the traditional style. What a contrast to the next day's fiasco (for me personally anyway) in our charismatic style mass/worship.
• Is it possible that the anointing is somewhere else? Should I follow anointing to... where?

• When I asked a theology classmate (who is a nun), how she received her call, one word struck me from her sharing. Emptiness. God was calling her through the emptiness she felt in her life before entering the convent.

• Still, my theme song is... I will follow you.
  Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you. Whom you love, I'll love. How you serve, I'll serve. If this life I lose, I will follow you.

• An article to ponder ("Are you being called" by Fr. Anthony Bannon)... http://www.adorationsisters.org/called.html. What struck me the most is one of his practical tips on overcoming the fear of the call: "Another is to shake of all spiritual narcissism. Stop thinking about yourself and your gifts. Think about how best you can help others and Christ. Do not seek personal comfort."