Blessings in uncertainty

• Rivers of blessing are being poured out onto me and my family. I think the most significant one is that we got to spend time with family who are usually far away. A cousin and his family from the US are visiting... I met a cute niece I've never seen before apart from FB photos. My brother came home for a week-long vacation. We spent time with both clans from the maternal and paternal side. What a great birth month. Thank you, Lord. 

• My parents will be going on a trip to the Holy Land. Wow! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of life, for my parents and for their love. Please continue blessing and protecting them, and all their companions on this pilgrimage. We entrust them into Your most loving hands.
  
• College friends treated me to watch Sound of Music at Resorts World. We had a lovely dinner at Red Crab. And lots of yummy cake from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Happy birthday to me! Thank you, Lord!

What prompted me to write today, however, was how someone I love dearly reacted negatively to a blessing when I had just received it and was feeling joy.

In my studying theology, I will be working as a staff member of the library and receiving a small amount. I think of myself as a working student assistant. Actually, I felt very happy when my priest-professor was telling me about it. But my sister, ever practical and concerned about me, was belittling the amount, criticizing how poor a negotiator I am, etc. Boy, was it taking the joyful air out of my balloon.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that I am a people pleaser and the source of my anguish is trying to please those I love when, in my following God, all I face is uncertainty. I have accepted the darkness of uncertainty as part of my journey but I have not accepted that there will be voices speaking against such uncertainty apart from my own. I have to listen to God and be faithful despite how these voices echo my own fear. I am on a journey of uncertainty. 

Lord, grant me ears to hear Your voice above all others and to trust that as I take one step at a time into darkness, You are always by my side. Even if I don't know where this is all going, You have a plan. I trust You even when those around me echo my own fears. I trust You.

Waiting open-endedly

Wow... just time traveled via journal entries. Wrote quotes that struck me from reading "The Path of Waiting" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I jotted it down 14 years ago but reading it recently struck me again. In the spiraling upward in search of God, I guess I'm somewhere similar to where I was 14 years ago. But even if it feels like a circle, I know better. I spiraled upward. Now I'm waiting again... sana with stronger faith and hope because I've seen God work in my life in the past 14 years. I know He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Thank you, Lord!

Quotes in journal, undated (est 1997):

"what they are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they are standing... The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it."

"... patience... willingness to stay where we are and live... situation out to the full... (until?) something hidden there will manifest itself to us."

"Much of our waiting is full of wishes... our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes... We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair."

"But Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon, and Anna were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended."

"Mary... was saying 'I don't know what this all means, but I trust that good things will happen.' She trusted so deeply that her waiting was open to all possibilities."

Notes to self: Wait open-endedly, give up control of our future, let God define our life. God molds us according to His perfect love, not according to our fear.

New direction has come into my life. I will be taking up further studies in theology at the Divine Word Seminary in Tagaytay. 

From the liturgy of the hours: Wisdom of God, be with me, always at work in me.

Lord, I dedicate my studies to You. Grant me Your wisdom and knowledge that these further studies might be a pleasing offering to You. Grant me a deep hunger for You. Grant me the grace to love You with all my mind. But most of all make me a doer of Your Word, to love You in thought, word and action, and to love those around me as I love myself. May this not be a purely intellectual exercise but I beg You, make me a better follower of You. May I be Yours to do with as You please. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

The Vocation Question

Am I supposed to get married, stay single or be a nun? What do I do with my life?


In an attempt to answer my question, I stayed for seven days (with one day actually spent in Theology class) with the Augustinian Sisters Servants of Jesus and Mary.


I was assigned to read Mark 6: 45-52. The first day I was reflecting on this, the phrase that struck me was about their hearts being hardened. To protect myself, I had been hardening my heart towards a particular man whom in truth, my heart is set on but against whom I put up my walls. 


During my prayer time, a memory came flashing back about this time I prayed for a man I did not know. While praying for him, I received an impression: "This man will be your husband." At the time, I argued with God (I believed it was God) because I was with (or maybe was almost with... I can't quite recall) my boyfriend at the time. In any case, I was thinking it was the same man my heart is set on today. Let's just call him CK for future reference.


While I stayed in the house of God, it just struck me what a privilege it was to sleep in such a house where the tabernacle is. On my last three days, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would just sit there in God's presence. I did not wake up on my own. It was like God tugging at my sleeve asking for a date even if I would say, antok ako Lord. Ang kulit. Ang saya. Yes, Jesus loves me tremendously.


So my heart is divided between how attractive religious life is to me today and how set my heart has been and continues to be set on CK.


The religious sister guiding me discussed an action step I can take to clarify my discernment. Details to follow when the action has been done and the next page unfolds.


In the meantime, this is what God assured me of during the search-in. He will be with me in whatever path I choose.


Sr. Sayong told me that our primary vocation is to be holy. Secondary vocation lang ang marriage, single-blessedness or religious life. 

While browsing online this morning (seven days without an internet connection was probably the toughest thing for me during the search-in, hehe), I ran into this article http://www.catholic.com/magazine/articles/a-meditation-on-a-mature-marriage which made me think... the common denominator among the vocations is sacrificial love. 

I felt assurance from God that one vocation is not necessarily superior to another. I am free to choose. But which vocation is really for me, suited for me, so I can be holy? Which path of service on the way to holiness will bless the world in Jesus' name?


Sr. Sayong also said if in entering the religious life you become a baser person instead of a more holy person, it would be better for you not to enter. 


So now I have a better perspective on the whole thing but still no clear-cut path. 


Father, please empower me to follow the way of sacrificial love wherever it may lead. To follow the poor, chaste and obedient Jesus wherever you want me to go, by your grace. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.


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On a last-minute decision, my brother came home briefly during the weekend I was with the Augustinians. I was resigned to the fact that I would not see him but by the grace of God, I was able to see him for a few minutes, give him a hug and ask him to pray for me. Unplanned and unexpected. Thank you, Lord =)

Discernment

• Last Thursday, our music ministry head gave us an assessment. I was told I needed to embrace authority more. I agree with her assessment but it made me question whether I was really in the right ministry.
  I used to embrace authority when I was in the intercessory ministry. No problem there. Maybe I should move on from the music ministry to somewhere else?
  A friend said of course, it's harder to embrace authority while you're on stage versus when you're praying privately in your own room. It doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong ministry, it could be that you just need to give it time so you can get better.
• Someone gave me an Ipod, the kind you can program with playlists. I was grateful. This would be useful in learning songs. I was looking forward to using it. It got stolen before I could.
  Prior to that I was asking God if the gift was a sign I should continue being in the music min. Funny.
• Yesterday, I felt I was having an off day during the service. I could not explain it. It was like the anointing was gone. I'd like to think my heart is still the same but the external aspect of it just didn't follow.
• During the same assessment given by our music min head, we were given time off from the morning service so we would miss being part of the frontliners. But I don't miss that part. I missed being part of the chorus but I somehow still botched that despite my desire to do well. I was at my worst. Why???
• I will soon be replaced as coordinator of the chorus. I have already indicated my intention to leave other Feast-related groups that I serve. So there is time and space for me to make a move to wherever God wants me to go...

• On the other hand, two weeks ago, my theology professor asked me to give a report on Ruth. I don't think he's done that for this semester so I'm feeling rather privileged. Maybe I'm doing something right.
• Last Saturday, I sang during the mass for our theology group. People were very appreciative. I missed singing liturgical songs in the traditional style. What a contrast to the next day's fiasco (for me personally anyway) in our charismatic style mass/worship.
• Is it possible that the anointing is somewhere else? Should I follow anointing to... where?

• When I asked a theology classmate (who is a nun), how she received her call, one word struck me from her sharing. Emptiness. God was calling her through the emptiness she felt in her life before entering the convent.

• Still, my theme song is... I will follow you.
  Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you. Whom you love, I'll love. How you serve, I'll serve. If this life I lose, I will follow you.

• An article to ponder ("Are you being called" by Fr. Anthony Bannon)... http://www.adorationsisters.org/called.html. What struck me the most is one of his practical tips on overcoming the fear of the call: "Another is to shake of all spiritual narcissism. Stop thinking about yourself and your gifts. Think about how best you can help others and Christ. Do not seek personal comfort."

Wooed II

Right now, all I feel is an emptiness. But I do feel alive when I've spent a Saturday at theology class where I am striving to love You with all my understanding. You are the only one who satisfies. I want more of You. Where do you want me to go, Lord? Where are you calling me? 

Where You go, I'll go. Where You stay, I'll stay. When You move, I'll move. I will follow You.

Thank You for giving me an assignment on Ruth. Grant me the grace to do it well and excellently. Thank You also for the beautiful creation You surround me with. Even in my emptiness, I hope and trust in You. Your plans are beyond my understanding but I know it's all for the best. May Your will be done. Have Your way in me. This I pray, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Future tense? Future hope

My work contract ended last Friday. I couldn't help feeling fearful, anxious and doubtful. What do I do now? Where do I go? But in the midst of uncertainty, God gave me hope... He gave me a short editing project which I worked on about a week before my contract ended. 


It showed me I could concentrate on work even if the TV was beside me (I was working at home, which meant meals with the family and no traffic -- what a blessing!). It boosted my confidence in my marketability as an editor. And it demonstrated that freelance work could just possibly be the ticket to where I want to be.


God was showing me a path. 


Seek first the kingdom of God and everything will be added unto you.


God knows nothing interests me now except that which has direct connection to Him and kingdom building, i.e., music ministry-related matter and theology. The usual career path feels empty. Even my dreams feel empty. I've been told that emptiness is a calling to move on to another path. I don't know what this new path is but God-willing, I will tread it with faith, trust and obedience.


Thank you, Lord for the opportunity to edit. Prosper the work of my hands that I might have the financial freedom and freedom of time to be about Your business first. 


Grant me the grace to act. Grant me the grace to obey. May Your will be done in my life. 


Dream for me, Lord. I feel unable to dream for myself right now. And while I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, I will trust in the plans You have for me because they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me. You are preparing for me a future full of hope. I claim this promise in Jesus' name. Amen.


Hugs!!!

That I may see

Flashes of light. That's how my father described it. The doctor he was describing the symptoms to asked him to come by the clinic the next day for an official consult.

It was retinal detachment. If left untreated, it could lead to blindness.

My father doesn't like going to the doctor. I would even say he's afraid of them. Yesterday, he underwent laser treatment -- the eyes are zapped with a laser so the retina will once again be stuck in its proper place. It is done with your eyes literally wide open. You are awake, your pupils are dilated because of drops they give you, and they zap away. When he was describing it, I was the one who was afraid.

During the time of the procedure, I was praying for him at the office. I felt calm. There was a real reassurance that everything would be okay.

I had asked my friends from my communities to pray. I later learned that a family friend, Sister Mary Alice, a religious missionary from Brazil, was also with my parents during the time. Her flight had been cancelled due to a storm so her presence and prayers were with us, another powerful prayer warrior on our side.

By the grace of God, my Tatay was calm. I believe it was the peace of Christ. Tatay said Jesus was beside Him so he could do it. Wow! That's true sight. Spiritual vision.

Not only that, things worked together so that the financial aspect was reduced significantly. The doctor generously waived his professional fee and the clinic allowed a week for my sister to do the paperwork to avail of Philhealth benefits. Providence.

Thank you, Lord, for the successful treatment of my Tatay. I also thank you for healing my choirmate's mom who will undergo cataract surgery this weekend. We claim full healing and restoration of our parents' vision -- both physical and spiritual -- in Jesus' mighty name. Amen.

Praise You, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. All glory and honor is Yours.

Thank you, Lord, for eyes to see the present beauty
You created, continue to create and will create.
(This plant is gone, swept away by the flood waters of Falcon.
But it was appreciated when it was alive.)

Eternal rest grant unto Jeamor Bautista who passed away this July 25 and Rey Reyes who celebrated his birth anniversary yesterday. May their eyes gaze upon You face to face. Let your perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

Lord, grant us the spiritual vision of gratitude to see Your hand at work in our lives. Grant us eyes of compassion to see others and ourselves as You do. And grant that one day, we will, by the merits of Jesus' perfect sacrifice, look upon You face to face to sing Your praises for eternity. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.