Blessings in uncertainty

• Rivers of blessing are being poured out onto me and my family. I think the most significant one is that we got to spend time with family who are usually far away. A cousin and his family from the US are visiting... I met a cute niece I've never seen before apart from FB photos. My brother came home for a week-long vacation. We spent time with both clans from the maternal and paternal side. What a great birth month. Thank you, Lord. 

• My parents will be going on a trip to the Holy Land. Wow! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of life, for my parents and for their love. Please continue blessing and protecting them, and all their companions on this pilgrimage. We entrust them into Your most loving hands.
  
• College friends treated me to watch Sound of Music at Resorts World. We had a lovely dinner at Red Crab. And lots of yummy cake from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Happy birthday to me! Thank you, Lord!

What prompted me to write today, however, was how someone I love dearly reacted negatively to a blessing when I had just received it and was feeling joy.

In my studying theology, I will be working as a staff member of the library and receiving a small amount. I think of myself as a working student assistant. Actually, I felt very happy when my priest-professor was telling me about it. But my sister, ever practical and concerned about me, was belittling the amount, criticizing how poor a negotiator I am, etc. Boy, was it taking the joyful air out of my balloon.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that I am a people pleaser and the source of my anguish is trying to please those I love when, in my following God, all I face is uncertainty. I have accepted the darkness of uncertainty as part of my journey but I have not accepted that there will be voices speaking against such uncertainty apart from my own. I have to listen to God and be faithful despite how these voices echo my own fear. I am on a journey of uncertainty. 

Lord, grant me ears to hear Your voice above all others and to trust that as I take one step at a time into darkness, You are always by my side. Even if I don't know where this is all going, You have a plan. I trust You even when those around me echo my own fears. I trust You.

Waiting open-endedly

Wow... just time traveled via journal entries. Wrote quotes that struck me from reading "The Path of Waiting" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I jotted it down 14 years ago but reading it recently struck me again. In the spiraling upward in search of God, I guess I'm somewhere similar to where I was 14 years ago. But even if it feels like a circle, I know better. I spiraled upward. Now I'm waiting again... sana with stronger faith and hope because I've seen God work in my life in the past 14 years. I know He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Thank you, Lord!

Quotes in journal, undated (est 1997):

"what they are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they are standing... The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it."

"... patience... willingness to stay where we are and live... situation out to the full... (until?) something hidden there will manifest itself to us."

"Much of our waiting is full of wishes... our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes... We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair."

"But Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon, and Anna were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended."

"Mary... was saying 'I don't know what this all means, but I trust that good things will happen.' She trusted so deeply that her waiting was open to all possibilities."

Notes to self: Wait open-endedly, give up control of our future, let God define our life. God molds us according to His perfect love, not according to our fear.

New direction has come into my life. I will be taking up further studies in theology at the Divine Word Seminary in Tagaytay. 

From the liturgy of the hours: Wisdom of God, be with me, always at work in me.

Lord, I dedicate my studies to You. Grant me Your wisdom and knowledge that these further studies might be a pleasing offering to You. Grant me a deep hunger for You. Grant me the grace to love You with all my mind. But most of all make me a doer of Your Word, to love You in thought, word and action, and to love those around me as I love myself. May this not be a purely intellectual exercise but I beg You, make me a better follower of You. May I be Yours to do with as You please. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

The Vocation Question

Am I supposed to get married, stay single or be a nun? What do I do with my life?


In an attempt to answer my question, I stayed for seven days (with one day actually spent in Theology class) with the Augustinian Sisters Servants of Jesus and Mary.


I was assigned to read Mark 6: 45-52. The first day I was reflecting on this, the phrase that struck me was about their hearts being hardened. To protect myself, I had been hardening my heart towards a particular man whom in truth, my heart is set on but against whom I put up my walls. 


During my prayer time, a memory came flashing back about this time I prayed for a man I did not know. While praying for him, I received an impression: "This man will be your husband." At the time, I argued with God (I believed it was God) because I was with (or maybe was almost with... I can't quite recall) my boyfriend at the time. In any case, I was thinking it was the same man my heart is set on today. Let's just call him CK for future reference.


While I stayed in the house of God, it just struck me what a privilege it was to sleep in such a house where the tabernacle is. On my last three days, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would just sit there in God's presence. I did not wake up on my own. It was like God tugging at my sleeve asking for a date even if I would say, antok ako Lord. Ang kulit. Ang saya. Yes, Jesus loves me tremendously.


So my heart is divided between how attractive religious life is to me today and how set my heart has been and continues to be set on CK.


The religious sister guiding me discussed an action step I can take to clarify my discernment. Details to follow when the action has been done and the next page unfolds.


In the meantime, this is what God assured me of during the search-in. He will be with me in whatever path I choose.


Sr. Sayong told me that our primary vocation is to be holy. Secondary vocation lang ang marriage, single-blessedness or religious life. 

While browsing online this morning (seven days without an internet connection was probably the toughest thing for me during the search-in, hehe), I ran into this article http://www.catholic.com/magazine/articles/a-meditation-on-a-mature-marriage which made me think... the common denominator among the vocations is sacrificial love. 

I felt assurance from God that one vocation is not necessarily superior to another. I am free to choose. But which vocation is really for me, suited for me, so I can be holy? Which path of service on the way to holiness will bless the world in Jesus' name?


Sr. Sayong also said if in entering the religious life you become a baser person instead of a more holy person, it would be better for you not to enter. 


So now I have a better perspective on the whole thing but still no clear-cut path. 


Father, please empower me to follow the way of sacrificial love wherever it may lead. To follow the poor, chaste and obedient Jesus wherever you want me to go, by your grace. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.


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On a last-minute decision, my brother came home briefly during the weekend I was with the Augustinians. I was resigned to the fact that I would not see him but by the grace of God, I was able to see him for a few minutes, give him a hug and ask him to pray for me. Unplanned and unexpected. Thank you, Lord =)

Discernment

• Last Thursday, our music ministry head gave us an assessment. I was told I needed to embrace authority more. I agree with her assessment but it made me question whether I was really in the right ministry.
  I used to embrace authority when I was in the intercessory ministry. No problem there. Maybe I should move on from the music ministry to somewhere else?
  A friend said of course, it's harder to embrace authority while you're on stage versus when you're praying privately in your own room. It doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong ministry, it could be that you just need to give it time so you can get better.
• Someone gave me an Ipod, the kind you can program with playlists. I was grateful. This would be useful in learning songs. I was looking forward to using it. It got stolen before I could.
  Prior to that I was asking God if the gift was a sign I should continue being in the music min. Funny.
• Yesterday, I felt I was having an off day during the service. I could not explain it. It was like the anointing was gone. I'd like to think my heart is still the same but the external aspect of it just didn't follow.
• During the same assessment given by our music min head, we were given time off from the morning service so we would miss being part of the frontliners. But I don't miss that part. I missed being part of the chorus but I somehow still botched that despite my desire to do well. I was at my worst. Why???
• I will soon be replaced as coordinator of the chorus. I have already indicated my intention to leave other Feast-related groups that I serve. So there is time and space for me to make a move to wherever God wants me to go...

• On the other hand, two weeks ago, my theology professor asked me to give a report on Ruth. I don't think he's done that for this semester so I'm feeling rather privileged. Maybe I'm doing something right.
• Last Saturday, I sang during the mass for our theology group. People were very appreciative. I missed singing liturgical songs in the traditional style. What a contrast to the next day's fiasco (for me personally anyway) in our charismatic style mass/worship.
• Is it possible that the anointing is somewhere else? Should I follow anointing to... where?

• When I asked a theology classmate (who is a nun), how she received her call, one word struck me from her sharing. Emptiness. God was calling her through the emptiness she felt in her life before entering the convent.

• Still, my theme song is... I will follow you.
  Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you. Whom you love, I'll love. How you serve, I'll serve. If this life I lose, I will follow you.

• An article to ponder ("Are you being called" by Fr. Anthony Bannon)... http://www.adorationsisters.org/called.html. What struck me the most is one of his practical tips on overcoming the fear of the call: "Another is to shake of all spiritual narcissism. Stop thinking about yourself and your gifts. Think about how best you can help others and Christ. Do not seek personal comfort."

Wooed II

Right now, all I feel is an emptiness. But I do feel alive when I've spent a Saturday at theology class where I am striving to love You with all my understanding. You are the only one who satisfies. I want more of You. Where do you want me to go, Lord? Where are you calling me? 

Where You go, I'll go. Where You stay, I'll stay. When You move, I'll move. I will follow You.

Thank You for giving me an assignment on Ruth. Grant me the grace to do it well and excellently. Thank You also for the beautiful creation You surround me with. Even in my emptiness, I hope and trust in You. Your plans are beyond my understanding but I know it's all for the best. May Your will be done. Have Your way in me. This I pray, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Future tense? Future hope

My work contract ended last Friday. I couldn't help feeling fearful, anxious and doubtful. What do I do now? Where do I go? But in the midst of uncertainty, God gave me hope... He gave me a short editing project which I worked on about a week before my contract ended. 


It showed me I could concentrate on work even if the TV was beside me (I was working at home, which meant meals with the family and no traffic -- what a blessing!). It boosted my confidence in my marketability as an editor. And it demonstrated that freelance work could just possibly be the ticket to where I want to be.


God was showing me a path. 


Seek first the kingdom of God and everything will be added unto you.


God knows nothing interests me now except that which has direct connection to Him and kingdom building, i.e., music ministry-related matter and theology. The usual career path feels empty. Even my dreams feel empty. I've been told that emptiness is a calling to move on to another path. I don't know what this new path is but God-willing, I will tread it with faith, trust and obedience.


Thank you, Lord for the opportunity to edit. Prosper the work of my hands that I might have the financial freedom and freedom of time to be about Your business first. 


Grant me the grace to act. Grant me the grace to obey. May Your will be done in my life. 


Dream for me, Lord. I feel unable to dream for myself right now. And while I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, I will trust in the plans You have for me because they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me. You are preparing for me a future full of hope. I claim this promise in Jesus' name. Amen.


Hugs!!!

That I may see

Flashes of light. That's how my father described it. The doctor he was describing the symptoms to asked him to come by the clinic the next day for an official consult.

It was retinal detachment. If left untreated, it could lead to blindness.

My father doesn't like going to the doctor. I would even say he's afraid of them. Yesterday, he underwent laser treatment -- the eyes are zapped with a laser so the retina will once again be stuck in its proper place. It is done with your eyes literally wide open. You are awake, your pupils are dilated because of drops they give you, and they zap away. When he was describing it, I was the one who was afraid.

During the time of the procedure, I was praying for him at the office. I felt calm. There was a real reassurance that everything would be okay.

I had asked my friends from my communities to pray. I later learned that a family friend, Sister Mary Alice, a religious missionary from Brazil, was also with my parents during the time. Her flight had been cancelled due to a storm so her presence and prayers were with us, another powerful prayer warrior on our side.

By the grace of God, my Tatay was calm. I believe it was the peace of Christ. Tatay said Jesus was beside Him so he could do it. Wow! That's true sight. Spiritual vision.

Not only that, things worked together so that the financial aspect was reduced significantly. The doctor generously waived his professional fee and the clinic allowed a week for my sister to do the paperwork to avail of Philhealth benefits. Providence.

Thank you, Lord, for the successful treatment of my Tatay. I also thank you for healing my choirmate's mom who will undergo cataract surgery this weekend. We claim full healing and restoration of our parents' vision -- both physical and spiritual -- in Jesus' mighty name. Amen.

Praise You, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. All glory and honor is Yours.

Thank you, Lord, for eyes to see the present beauty
You created, continue to create and will create.
(This plant is gone, swept away by the flood waters of Falcon.
But it was appreciated when it was alive.)

Eternal rest grant unto Jeamor Bautista who passed away this July 25 and Rey Reyes who celebrated his birth anniversary yesterday. May their eyes gaze upon You face to face. Let your perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

Lord, grant us the spiritual vision of gratitude to see Your hand at work in our lives. Grant us eyes of compassion to see others and ourselves as You do. And grant that one day, we will, by the merits of Jesus' perfect sacrifice, look upon You face to face to sing Your praises for eternity. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Who defines your worth?

In my June 26 blog I described my struggle with thoughts of worthlessness...

"I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God...

• I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.

I had let this experience define my worth. But during the Feast at the PICC, I felt God talk to me. When Bro. Bo said let God surgically remove those things which are keeping us from finishing strong, I felt I should surrender my wrong belief.

• How could you let a man define your worth? Am I not more than man? And did I not die for you on the cross precisely because you are worth loving? I say so. I am who am says so.  

Father, forgive me for letting a man define my worth. Forgive me for my idolatry. You are indeed God of the universe. You created all. You are the ultimate authority. You are the one who defines my worth. And You say I am worth dying for. I am worth the life of Your Son. I will no longer argue. I will believe. Thank You for loving me.

Conflict and cheesecake

• I disagreed with how our chorus master increased our practice days and used them exclusively to focus on one song without spending any time on the other worship songs -- two of which were new and (I felt) were at the heart of the message we were trying to convey.
  . 
• Intellect, will, imagination, emotions, sexual power. In case of conflict between any of the above, follow the heirarchy: intellect, will, imagination, emotions, sexual power. So says our theology teacher.
  .
• I'm in the music ministry to serve God first and not our human leader; I should have stayed faithful in my service regardless of how I felt. After all, it's not everyday you actually feel happy and perky and willing to serve. There are days you drag your feet because your heart is heavy. Those are opportune days to offer God a better sacrifice.
  
  Unfortunately, I let my emotions rule me on the day of service (7/3/11). I may have had a point for my feelings of anger but I chose to let the anger master me instead of me mastering my anger. I simply chose not to serve. Still, the mercy of God is relentless. It overtook me as I was walking alone in a nearby mall after the service (I was present as an attendee). One of my choir mates was there and we ended up talking together and eating cheesecake. I was no longer alone. God allowed me to connect with someone. And over yummy food. What more can one ask?
  .

• .
• The next day, we had a rehearsal for a worship concert. Our chorus master asked me how I was.
  
  "Galit ako sa 'yo," I said matter-of-factly and said my piece. He explained his decision was a technical one and nothing personal. And I said my anger was not personal. I just felt passionately about the other songs. Call it creative differences.
  
  By the grace of God, I swallowed my pride and apologized for not showing up at all. In the past, I would have insisted that I was right and he was wrong. Only God knows how badly things could have gone.
  
  He forgave me. I think we were a little extra nice to each other after that.
  
  Thank you, Lord. =)

Wooed

Syempre kinikilig ako when I see flowers from my Beloved...

Okay, hindi siya flower, but I just had to include this because sunshine on my shoulder, when filtered through trees, makes me happy. =)

Thank you, Lord. I love you, too. Mwah! =)

Desolation. Saturation.

I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God. I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness (which I still struggle with even now):

• I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.
• After so many years of working, I have no financial success to speak of. None of my previous employers rave about me and want me back. It's just a lackluster career that feels empty.
• I'm a terrible servant. I leave many things undone. My heart is full of darkness.

This and other similar thoughts were going through my head. Over and over. Like a broken record.

"Lord, I need affirmation!" I cried out to Him. The song (by Planetshakers) that resonated with my heart during this time of desolation said:

Jesus, I'm desperate for You
Jesus, I'm hungry for You
Jesus, I'm longing for You
Lord You are all I want...

Come like a flood and saturate me now
You're all I want
Come like a wind and sweep throughout this place
You're all we want

"Lord," I beg Him, "I need saturation..."

The next day, one of our chorus brothers in Christ tells me that God has a message for me.

He begins by saying when you keep giving and giving, sometimes you have nothing left to give. You are left empty. "You need saturation," he tells me. Spend time with God, he says.

Then for some reason he goes on to say, "I don't know what God's plans for you are. But I see that you would make a good partner for someone."

Wow! I wipe at my tears.

After the service, he approaches me. He says God has a message for me: "He sees you as one of his angels. Not literally with wings. He sees your heart, your willingness to serve. You are one of his angels."

Grateful tears leak out of me. I can't help it. When I cry out to God, He answers... oh so tenderly. 

Guides

• On the way to practice, I normally stop at Farmer's Cubao to eat or check lyrics at an internet cafe. Today I needed to photocopy our attendance sheets.
  
  I went down to the ground floor with National Bookstore in mind but I knew from past attempts that there was no photocopying service at that particular branch. So I stood in one intersection of the mall, wondering where I could find what I needed.
  
  Then a little girl in a blue-green checkered polo asked me, "Ate, anong hinahanap niyo?" (Big sister, what are you looking for?)
  
  "Xerox sana."
  
  And she offered to guide me to one.
  
  I was hesitant at first. I wondered what this was about. What if it's some form of budol budol (hypnotist criminals) but as I asked this question and asked God to protect me, my feet followed her quickly and I had this sense of amazement and wonder. I could feel goosebumps along my skin and the new question in my mind was... could she possibly be my guardian angel?
  
  And she took me past the camera shop where I had photocopied something almost six months ago. I wanted to go in but she stopped me, "Wala na d'yan 'te."
  
  She explained they needed something photocopied for graduation. They tried in that first shop but the service was no longer available. But in a nearby store, there was still a photocopier.
  
  My little guide took me to the store, approached the man there and told him what I needed, and then left. I was just grateful. What a blessing she was to me. Thank you, Lord!
  
  .
• Sometime last year, I was trying to get to one rehearsal venue that was still unfamiliar. I had managed to get there maybe once or twice but this time I was coming from a different location with a different commuting route. I got lost. I arrived in tears because I was so frustrated at my own tardiness (at least an hour or so late).
  
  The next time I was supposed to rehearse at that same venue, I was again coming from a different location with an unfamiliar commuting route. This time I sat near a man who was going the same way. I was actually asking the lady next to me about directions but he was the one who knew the way and he volunteered to guide me. I reached the venue safe and sound (and on time!) because the man and I took the same jeep. Yehey!
  
  .
• Around the same time, I needed to get to a meeting in another unfamiliar place and I wondered if I would encounter the same getting-lost obstacle. But God gave me a guide again. Even though the driver was unfamiliar with where I wanted to go (I had an address and was told which jeep to take), there were two passengers there who knew exactly what I was talking about. AND they were getting off where I was supposed to get off. Praise God!
  
  What's more, even after we got off, they did not leave me until they were sure I knew where I was going. We checked the address and when they saw the name of the building, they pointed it out and asked if I would be okay.
  
  Yes po. Maraming salamat!
  
  Thank you, Lord, for the guides You send our way. =) 

It's a sign!

• I attended mass (May 26) and wondered if I should go to the prayer meeting afterwards. So I said to God, "Sige, Lord, if I see my sister somewhere in Greenbelt, I will definitely go to Makati Feast (prayer meeting)". I was imagining I might run into her in whichever restaurant I would be eating in. But no. As soon as I stepped into the restroom, my first stop, lo and behold, my sister was there, very happy to see me.
  Ikaw talaga Lord! Sige na po, a-attend na.
  .
• The next night, I was feeling that fear again... being hell-bound because of my thoughts (Lord, have mercy!).
  
  Pet Soc spinning wheel. I assign the butterflies values. Red butterfly means this... blue butterfly means this... green butterfly means forgiveness. Of course, I was hoping for the green. And God assured me once again with a green butterfly.
  .
.
• It's not bible cutting but I feel quite touched that my awesome God who created the universe chooses to speak to me in Pet Soc language. Nothing is too small for Him. Even when I'm makulit (persistent) in my worries, fears and insecurities, masmakulit Siya (He's relentless). Always He tells me He loves me, I'm forgiven. Thank you, Lord!
  .
• P.S. Please don't go making big life decisions based on a spinning wheel in an FB application, a roll of a dice or a shooting star. Always check with your heart because God could be whispering His will there and instead of listening, we're looking externally. I'm just saying sometimes, when our hearts are watchful and listening, God can use the most familiar and mundane language we understand to whisper to us, I love you.
  
  Yihee! I love You back, Lord. Mwah!

Brown gel pens and blue butterflies

• As a writer, I have preferred instruments, i.e., non-black gel pens and blank paper. My current favorite is the brown gel pen... it's got that lovely sepia quality which makes me think of ancient manuscripts (like the replica of the handwritten Noli me Tangere at Museo Pambata). After my first brown gel pen, though, I could not find a replacement so I got a violet and a green gel pen instead. But you know how people sometimes borrow pens and don't quite return them.
  
  So there I was (5/10/11) walking in the mall near closing time wondering where I could get a pen. Part of the mall where the bookstore was located was under renovation. I passed a stall with pens but I didn't even go in. I knew I wanted a gel pen but where do I get one? Maybe I should just get one tomorrow...
  
  Lo and behold, a National Bookstore stall was right where I was passing. And brown gel pens were available! I got three and went up to the cashier before realizing they were about to close. But the saleslady let me make my purchase even though they had been packing up.
  
  Thank you, Lord! Thank you, lovely salesladies. 
• Facebook applications, anyone? By the grace of God, I gave up Vampire Wars for lent and have not been playing it again so far. But I do still enjoy Pet Society.
  
  In Pet Society, you have a virtual pet with its own house you can decorate. Every time you visit in a day, you're allowed one free spin that wins your pet coins. Lately, they have these butterfly prizes. Now I usually get low or average prizes, nothing really fabulous but the other day when the wheel was spinning, I asked God, "Lord, can I have a blue butterfly please?" Immediately the wheel stopped at the blue butterfly! Whoa. Thank you, Lord. Kinilig na naman ako =)
  .
.
• Just today, I was playing Pet Society again. As the wheel was spinning, I asked, "Lord, okay lang ba mag-request ulit? Can I have the green butterfly naman?" Yup, you guessed it. He granted my request. Thank you, Lord! =)
  .
• I attended the Mariapolis in Tagaytay this Saturday and Sunday, mostly to spend time with my family because of my brother's birthday. Mariapolis, the city of Mama Mary, is a concept from the Focolare movement. The truth was I didn't really want to be there but I went for family.
  
  Saturday afternoon. Fun games were scheduled. I did not want to participate. I did not want to play. I whispered to my mother, who was also my teammate, "I'm beginning to regret coming here. I don't want to play."
  
  The theme for this year's Mariapolis was "Not what I want but what you want." Not my will, but God's will be done.
  
  I did not want to play but as the games began, something just kicked in. Grace? In the marble relay, I suggested part of the strategy which the team accepted and used.
  
  In the next game, my sister was one of the better stackers that helped build a five-layer stack of cards while I contributed by holding my breath. Hehe. ;-)
  
  So our team went through the games, letting different people take the lead when they had a strategy in mind. We knew our time was good. Everything flowed smoothly for us.
  
  In our last game, we had a scavenger hunt. We completed our list as a teammate brought in a dual citizen, our most difficult "item" yet. Then our marshal asked for a non-black pen. O-ho, a secret item not written on the scavenger list. I brought out my brown gel pen. There was some dispute on its color but eventually the marshal agreed... it was indeed brown. =)
  
  As we walked back to the pavilion, my mother whispered to me "O, kilig moment na talaga yan!"
  
  Hehe, thank you, Lord! =)
  
  BTW, our group won first place. Praise God! =)

Hanging on

While at mass at Greenbelt Chapel (4/18/11), I was feeling the slightly thickened skin at the center of my palm. The three little bumps are only obvious to me--they've thickened from the times I've clenched my hand into a fist and the nails bite into the skin. Usually, those are the times I struggle with terrible thoughts entering my mind; I clench my fist, imagining I am holding onto Jesus. The thoughts horrify me so much, I fear I'm on the road to hell. So while at mass, I sort of mentioned to God, let these callouses symbolize how I am clinging to You. Please don't let me go...

After the mass, I picked out a piece of paper on which was a Bible verse and short prayer:

"'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.' Phil 4:6

"The prayer of the heart is as basic as: 'Please God, don't let me go.'"

Gosh, Lord, pinakilig mo na naman ako. =)

Walking in the mall afterwards, I saw a father-daughter pair. The little girl was seated in the crook of her father's arm; she didn't need to cling to him because he was carrying her. He was the one doing the holding. 

In the same way, I might cling to my heavenly Father especially when I am afraid, but the truth of the matter is, He is holding onto me.

Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name. - Isa 49:15-16

Was it iron nails that did the writing? Thank You, Lord, for writing my name on the palms of Your hands.