Sheer grace

Remember that little parable, about the sower in a field and how the seed fell on rocky ground, thorny ground and good soil?

Well, this little plant had me remembering the seed that fell on rocky soil. Except this plant is growing in a little crack in the wall. And I reflect that God's love is simply so amazing, just a little crack in our stony heart is enough for his word to begin growing. It is sheer grace. There is nothing in the stony wall-heart to sustain life, but a crack is enough--and life will come. All God needs is a crack. A tiny bit of us to say, yes.

However, if we become content with remaining as we are, God's word is limited. The plant can only grow so high. It is stunted. Alive but stunted.

Unlike the stony wall (which would best remain a stony wall--let's keep the building intact!), our heart can be changed into a heart of flesh. And when that happens, the word that has begun growing will continue to transform us and make the world a better place.

Thank you, Lord, that all you really need is a crack. I trust that you will continue the work you have begun and transform my stony heart into one of flesh, a heart that loves you back with all I am.

Love from above

A breakthrough thought for me in my discernment...

As I was treating myself to breakfast yesterday morning, I was thinking that no man can love me the way God loves me. I sometimes have this thought when I am thinking of the reasons why I should not have a crush on someone, trying to think myself out of my feelings. However, this time, the train of thought was followed by... "but a man can love me as God loves me if God infuses him with His own love." What is true love after all but a theological virtue whose only source is God?

Similarly, I can love only if God loves through me. This has been a block for me because I have been telling myself that I do not know how to love so anyone interested in me would be better off without me. But now... I realize I have to trust God to love for me and through me for only Jesus loving in me can actually love for real. What a relief! To rely not on my merit but on the merit of Jesus' perfection. 

A virtuous childlessness has been my goal recently, in the sense that I've been trying even more to be chaste in my thoughts. Before, I kind of just accepted that I fail in this area and it's okay because at least it's only in my thoughts... I'm still trying am I not? But then again, Jesus did say that to look lustfully at someone is already adultery. So I have to really aim for purity in thought. I still fail often but I no longer tell myself na "okay lang 'yun." Sa totoo lang, hindi siya okay. To fulfill my vocation, I really have to put chastity into practice.

I no longer think I will be a nun. But it is freeing for me to believe that God will empower me to be a holy single person or a holy married person. Holiness is the goal; God's grace is the key.

Lord, if you want me to be married, please infuse the man You have in mind for me with Your love so he could love me for real, with passion and conviction in the face of obstacles. Similarly, please infuse me with Your love so I could love for real, with courage and selflessness, whether single or no. Forgive me for my shortcomings. Please bless my hunger for holiness with Your own righteousness. Thank you for your faithfulness. May I become faithful to You. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Just in time 2

Today's little miracle was that I made it to mass on time. 

Normally, it takes an hour for me to get to Alabang from our house. I left at 2:50 pm, wondering how I was going to make the 4 pm mass in the Sucat area. We were visiting family there for a get-together around 5 pm. It was my fault--I had been lazing about all morning but there it was.

I did pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet at 3 pm. God heard my request for forgiveness and punctuality. Traffic flowed smoothly (a rather rare occurrence!), I got the rides I needed quickly, and by the time I stepped out of the tricycle, the lector began speaking. Mass was just about to start. 

Whew! Made it. Thank you, Lord!

Moving on

This is my first post that will not be sharing a kilig moment. I'm actually feeling on the low side. 

The truth is... I discovered accidentally that the young man I have been admiring may also have feelings for me. Circumstances being what they are, the right thing to do is to leave it alone... let it die a natural death. But knowing what I know strengthens my feelings and makes it harder to let him go. 

Eternity. Eternity is the goal. Just a few more years of loneliness... kaunti na lang... I could be more than halfway to the end of the finish line. Just keep running the race. It's a marathon. Eternity is the goal. Stay focused on Jesus.

Kulang lang ito sa dasal. I just need to pray more. But in the meantime, I will feel my sadness and grieve a little. 

Just in time

My sister had given me a watch about two Christmases ago but recently the strap had broken. I started carrying it around in my bag but could not wear it. 

     Last Monday, I participated in the 2nd Tagaytay Youth Day as a judge. One of the token gifts they had for us was a Pirates of the Caribbean watch! 

     Thank you, Lord, for the new free watch.   

Nahum means "consolation"

It's been a while since my last blog but something happened yesterday... one of those answered prayers that come as only God's answers can come.

It all started with a prayer I co-led with a groupmate in our Biblical Apostolate class the day before. The reading was from Mark; the story was about the woman who touched Jesus to be healed. Because this story is a very personal one for me, I knew there was a possibility that I would cry... and true enough, all the emotional things I like to keep inside started leaking out during the prayer, after the class, and even when I was already at the dorm, three hours after class had ended. 

By that time, I was no longer simply leaking... the dam was cracked and I could not stop crying. My sweet Vietnamese roommate listened, encouraged and gave advice. I tried to get it together and washed my face. We had dinner, studied, and eventually went to bed.

The next day was our class in Prophetic Literature. The prophet for the day was Nahum, a name which means "consolation."

After office hours, I was still at the library trying to get some academic work done, when lo and behold, my priest-boss said he was going to Las Piñas. Do I want to come?  

YES!

I had dinner at home with my family, saw my sister without crutches (she is recovering from a fractured toe), and ate to my heart's content. My sweet mother dropped me off near the pick up point where I met my companions to go back to Tagaytay. 

That was the answer to my prayer. I reconnected with the people I needed to reconnect with. My homesickness was eased, my need to go home without spending was answered. Plus, I got pens for our planned activity on Sunday. Wow. 

Thank you, Lord. Sana I would respond to your lavish love with all the love in my heart--you deserve nothing less. Sorry for my shortcomings. Change me and make me yours completely.
 

His quiet assurance

Last week was the first time I felt like I wanted to quit my work-for-study theological pursuits. I was disappointed to no longer be taking Pentateuch and extremely irked at having to handle sales of books in addition to my regular work. And I suppose all the tiny complaints of discomfort mixed in with the usual loneliness, but this time was exacerbated by the envy I was feeling because I saw first-hand how a batchmate was financially doing so well--she had a car, a condo and everything a former yuppie like me had wanted--and actually still want.


So I texted my spiritual director to ask for a meeting. I felt like I was at a breaking point. I did not know what to do. So I texted him on Thursday. He suggested we meet the following day, around noon.


Before the meeting, things divinely fell into place. I had a replacement subject for Pentateuch, i.e., Graduate Research. I was offered a share in the profits of the books I was selling (the amount does not matter... what mattered to me was the fact that they offered). And we got a check subscribing to the journal I was helping to edit. It was the first check for 2012; it was certainly the first for me since I began helping out. It felt like validation for the work I was doing. And just like that, the thought of quitting was gone. I was excited again to begin classes. And all this happened in half a morning!


When I shared this with my spiritual director, he said God helps us out when we need it. Yup. He certainly did. So thank you, Lord. And yes, I am very happy to be staying for my second exciting semester of MA in theology. Yahoo!!!