Balance and Support

Whoa... no blog entry for two months! It does not mean there were no blessings... it's just that I have been on the brink of falling/failing—trying to keep my balance at the edge of multiple things.

The first balancing act involved walking the line between friendship and romance without hurting anyone. Hmmm... from a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say the pain level had initially been a low 4—tolerable. However due to its persistence and increasing intensity, I have been worn down to my limit. 

The second was balancing my thesis, library and journal work against financial and emotional resources—which was being taxed by the politics of holiness and infighting in the community, among other things. Add the possibility to be involved in media coverage for the upcoming papal visit and things get more exciting. The crucial element here was doing what one was supposed to do without snapping people's heads off. Epic fail.

The third is a recent addition—seems the balancing act is turning into a juggling act. It involves a family member's health. He has been in the hospital for two weeks now. Hoping for the best.

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Three Saturdays ago, had a heart-to-heart talk with Sis B. It was the talk that released me from my toxic guilt like no other. What an unexpected relief!

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That evening, we celebrated our father's 70th birthday. The buffet was overwhelming in its abundance—everything from Japanese food to Filipino, wonderful desserts, and unlimited iced tea and juice (like blue lemonade, which I had not tried before). But what would all that food be without people to eat with? It was such a blessing to celebrate with family and friends (a good number of those since high school—that's maybe 54 years?). Super thank you, Lord!
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N does hospital duty. I am assigned more on house duty. Two Thursdays ago, while I was on house duty, R came by to keep me company. He brought a pork dish and a chicken dish. I cooked the rice and we had a nice dinner. After that, we watched The Book Thief on television. It turns out my sister had not yet eaten dinner so she had a nice meal too when she got home. Yay!

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At the peak of my worries, a friend called me. Though the signal was choppy and we could not communicate properly, his virtual presence and prayers was a big source of comfort and strength. 

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Last Friday was the Christmas party of the seminary. I did not feel like going but ended up at the party anyway. I got a lot of hugs and concerned inquiries. Turns out I'm not very good at handling inquiries—cried a lot; but it was nice to know a lot of people care. 

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Yesterday, I discovered a fellow chico monster. Aside from giving me my favorite fruit, CM kept me company during lunch, and later helped carry my bag to the bus stop. 

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Thank you, Lord, for friends who support us through these times of difficulty. Their acts of kindness, listening, prayers and patience ease our physical and non-physical burdens. When we think we are about to fall, they hold out their hand and we can regain our balance in the chaos. Please bless them a hundred-fold.

Also, please bless T & Fr. S, Chef J, Sir G, and D on their birthdays. Thanks po.

In a special way, we lift up family members who are sick and recovering from operations. Please touch them with your healing hands. And if you should allow them to suffer, may they remember to offer these pains up to you that even in their difficulty, they may participate in your plans for the redemption of all. But if you will, please console and comfort them; allow their pain to decrease and their health to increase. Grant them full recovery.

For those people who keep watch over them, may you be their strength, presence of mind, and merciful patience.

For those of us who feel helpless, may you honor whatever everyday acts we do as an offering for our prayer intention. May they be acts done with love and united with the love of Christ.

All this we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Nourishment

Today, a friend from the Feast treated us out to a yummy lunch at Kenny Roger's. Eating with friends who accept you for who you are and with whom you can share your struggles without fear of judgment fills up not only the tummy but the heart as well. 

It is also heart-warming to receive totally unexpected ube bread from OSJ seminarians.

Thank you, Lord, for free food, whether it is from remote givers who share from a distance or friends long-missed with whom we can share good food and candid conversation. 

But most of all, thank you for being the living bread from whom we get our strength. You know our weaknesses and our struggles sometimes get the best of us. Please help us through the coming week. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Kahit ano pa...

Matthew 6:25, 31-33

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ... Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

As I live on a very modest income as a part-time library assistant, every purchase outside of food and transportation is thought over many times. This weekend I was telling myself that I really, really needed to get new underwear--even if it meant dipping into savings yet again. The most practical plan was to buy at the mall where I would normally catch the bus on the way to the second phase of our bible study (Jeff Cavin's Matthew). 

Before I could implement my plan, however, my mother comes up to me and says, "I wonder if you would like this..." and hands me a box of new undies. 

Wow! Guardian angel coordination strikes again!

Thank you, Lord, for providing for all my needs--kahit ano pa siya. All I can say is wow! Superthanks!!!!

Christmas basket in September

An unexpected bag of groceries awaited me upon my return to Tagaytay this week. As part of the SVD family feast celebrations, the seminarian-organizers decided to pool each group's resources and give each co-missionary (i.e., the workers) an early Christmas basket. I feel so blessed!

Thank you, Lord, for generous hearts that put practical ideas into action. Please bless our future priests that they may continue to be a blessing to those around them. Return to them a hundred-fold what they have given. Watch over them always and keep them safe. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Close calls

As I was washing the breakfast dishes this morning, I miscalculated and accidentally hit the dish rack with a just-washed glass, which then shattered into so many little pieces. 

While I swept up the little shards of glass, I wondered whether God was trying to tell me something. Was it a punishment because I was weakening in a specific struggle? Or maybe it was a warning?

But then I realized how blessed I was that none of the shards got into my eye. I had closed them just in time--some shards had hit my face and the glittery dust was left as evidence on my black shirt, but I was okay.

Later in the day, my mother and I were having lunch and she shared that she almost hit a car as she was backing out of the grocery parking lot that same morning. She could no longer recall what got her attention but she stopped backing up just in time to avoid a mishap. 

Thank you, Lord, for protecting us, whether we are aware of it (though mostly not). Please continue to keep us and our loved ones under the shadow of your wings. You are our refuge, our sanctuary. 

Text by Angel

We were planning to watch Rurouni Kenshin at Megamall to celebrate our cousin J's birthday. J and I were going to meet earlier than the others and agreed we would just text each other on the day itself to specify where exactly in Megamall we would meet up. 

The next day, Samurai X-day, I got on a bus and told the conductor my destination. But when we reached the bus stop before Megamall, I decided to get off and walk. As I was walking along--with the idea that I would text J as soon as I stepped into the mall--I noticed a girl ahead of me that looked like J. Walking up, I gave the girl a tap on the shoulder: it was indeed her! We did not need to text each other anymore. Our guardian angels did the coordinating for us. Thank you, GAs!

Heaven-sent

In the struggle towards holiness, I find it helpful to talk to different people to get different perspectives and advice. 

Two Saturdays ago, God sent me Bro. R.

Normally, I have a quick bite to eat at around 11:30 when it's CTS day. This way, I can keep the library open from 12 nn onwards in case any of our lay students want to drop by during their lunch break. But last week, after being dismissed early from class, Bro. R felt a nudge to go the dining hall where he found me beginning my meal. He sat with me. There was no one else around aside from the staff member who would come in from time to time to bring in the rest of the lunch orders. For a cafeteria during lunch break, it was a rare and perfect moment for confiding.  

I took the opportunity to open up to him regarding a certain person... and whether it would be okay for this person to join a spiritual activity I participate in despite certain circumstances. His words were really a different perspective from the ones that have been around me. He said he saw nothing wrong with my friend joining. It was prayer. 

Basically his advice was to remain honest and to keep allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us. Then Bro. R said there is a verse from Romans 8:28, and before he could quote it, I continued it for him: For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. It was the very same verse I sent to my friend earlier.

And Bro. R said now he knows why he felt he had to go to the dining hall at that moment. It was really for my benefit. And he assured me that God loves me and my friend very much. Rom 8:28. When the first student came in at 12 nn marking the end of our private conversation, I indeed felt loved so much so that God would allow me 30 minutes with an open-minded person whose advice was a relief to my toxic guilt. 

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Last Saturday, I found myself feeling highly emotional and unable to keep my tears in check. Let's just say calculus is a real burden sometimes... certain decisions are out of my hands... and difficult to live with. 

Then surprise, surprise, after I had recovered from my crying bout, I find my sister walking down the stairs to the library. What a consolation! It was God sending me an answer to a prayer I had not articulated because he knew I would need it.

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Yesterday, the same sister of mine felt the urge to go to a friend who just lost her mother. So after our graduation from Jeff Cavin's Bible Timeline (first installment), we went to the wake.

My sister had done that for me two days before. Now we were doing it for someone else in need--being a shoulder for someone to cry on. And it turned out her friend badly needed us there. The timing was perfect. Our presence was appreciated. I felt blessed to have been included in the chance to offer her comfort. 


Lord, thank you for sending us the people we need to hear your voice and feel your love. Thank you for using us to bless others. Thank you for both spiritual and biological siblings who listen to your promptings. Help us to also be more sensitive and obedient so we can participate in your love of our brothers and sisters... and maybe even lead others to do the same. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen. 

Eternal rest grant unto the souls of the faithful departed, O Lord. Let your perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.