Wooed II

Right now, all I feel is an emptiness. But I do feel alive when I've spent a Saturday at theology class where I am striving to love You with all my understanding. You are the only one who satisfies. I want more of You. Where do you want me to go, Lord? Where are you calling me? 

Where You go, I'll go. Where You stay, I'll stay. When You move, I'll move. I will follow You.

Thank You for giving me an assignment on Ruth. Grant me the grace to do it well and excellently. Thank You also for the beautiful creation You surround me with. Even in my emptiness, I hope and trust in You. Your plans are beyond my understanding but I know it's all for the best. May Your will be done. Have Your way in me. This I pray, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Future tense? Future hope

My work contract ended last Friday. I couldn't help feeling fearful, anxious and doubtful. What do I do now? Where do I go? But in the midst of uncertainty, God gave me hope... He gave me a short editing project which I worked on about a week before my contract ended. 


It showed me I could concentrate on work even if the TV was beside me (I was working at home, which meant meals with the family and no traffic -- what a blessing!). It boosted my confidence in my marketability as an editor. And it demonstrated that freelance work could just possibly be the ticket to where I want to be.


God was showing me a path. 


Seek first the kingdom of God and everything will be added unto you.


God knows nothing interests me now except that which has direct connection to Him and kingdom building, i.e., music ministry-related matter and theology. The usual career path feels empty. Even my dreams feel empty. I've been told that emptiness is a calling to move on to another path. I don't know what this new path is but God-willing, I will tread it with faith, trust and obedience.


Thank you, Lord for the opportunity to edit. Prosper the work of my hands that I might have the financial freedom and freedom of time to be about Your business first. 


Grant me the grace to act. Grant me the grace to obey. May Your will be done in my life. 


Dream for me, Lord. I feel unable to dream for myself right now. And while I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, I will trust in the plans You have for me because they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me. You are preparing for me a future full of hope. I claim this promise in Jesus' name. Amen.


Hugs!!!

That I may see

Flashes of light. That's how my father described it. The doctor he was describing the symptoms to asked him to come by the clinic the next day for an official consult.

It was retinal detachment. If left untreated, it could lead to blindness.

My father doesn't like going to the doctor. I would even say he's afraid of them. Yesterday, he underwent laser treatment -- the eyes are zapped with a laser so the retina will once again be stuck in its proper place. It is done with your eyes literally wide open. You are awake, your pupils are dilated because of drops they give you, and they zap away. When he was describing it, I was the one who was afraid.

During the time of the procedure, I was praying for him at the office. I felt calm. There was a real reassurance that everything would be okay.

I had asked my friends from my communities to pray. I later learned that a family friend, Sister Mary Alice, a religious missionary from Brazil, was also with my parents during the time. Her flight had been cancelled due to a storm so her presence and prayers were with us, another powerful prayer warrior on our side.

By the grace of God, my Tatay was calm. I believe it was the peace of Christ. Tatay said Jesus was beside Him so he could do it. Wow! That's true sight. Spiritual vision.

Not only that, things worked together so that the financial aspect was reduced significantly. The doctor generously waived his professional fee and the clinic allowed a week for my sister to do the paperwork to avail of Philhealth benefits. Providence.

Thank you, Lord, for the successful treatment of my Tatay. I also thank you for healing my choirmate's mom who will undergo cataract surgery this weekend. We claim full healing and restoration of our parents' vision -- both physical and spiritual -- in Jesus' mighty name. Amen.

Praise You, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. All glory and honor is Yours.

Thank you, Lord, for eyes to see the present beauty
You created, continue to create and will create.
(This plant is gone, swept away by the flood waters of Falcon.
But it was appreciated when it was alive.)

Eternal rest grant unto Jeamor Bautista who passed away this July 25 and Rey Reyes who celebrated his birth anniversary yesterday. May their eyes gaze upon You face to face. Let your perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

Lord, grant us the spiritual vision of gratitude to see Your hand at work in our lives. Grant us eyes of compassion to see others and ourselves as You do. And grant that one day, we will, by the merits of Jesus' perfect sacrifice, look upon You face to face to sing Your praises for eternity. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Who defines your worth?

In my June 26 blog I described my struggle with thoughts of worthlessness...

"I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God...

• I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.

I had let this experience define my worth. But during the Feast at the PICC, I felt God talk to me. When Bro. Bo said let God surgically remove those things which are keeping us from finishing strong, I felt I should surrender my wrong belief.

• How could you let a man define your worth? Am I not more than man? And did I not die for you on the cross precisely because you are worth loving? I say so. I am who am says so.  

Father, forgive me for letting a man define my worth. Forgive me for my idolatry. You are indeed God of the universe. You created all. You are the ultimate authority. You are the one who defines my worth. And You say I am worth dying for. I am worth the life of Your Son. I will no longer argue. I will believe. Thank You for loving me.

Conflict and cheesecake

• I disagreed with how our chorus master increased our practice days and used them exclusively to focus on one song without spending any time on the other worship songs -- two of which were new and (I felt) were at the heart of the message we were trying to convey.
  . 
• Intellect, will, imagination, emotions, sexual power. In case of conflict between any of the above, follow the heirarchy: intellect, will, imagination, emotions, sexual power. So says our theology teacher.
  .
• I'm in the music ministry to serve God first and not our human leader; I should have stayed faithful in my service regardless of how I felt. After all, it's not everyday you actually feel happy and perky and willing to serve. There are days you drag your feet because your heart is heavy. Those are opportune days to offer God a better sacrifice.
  
  Unfortunately, I let my emotions rule me on the day of service (7/3/11). I may have had a point for my feelings of anger but I chose to let the anger master me instead of me mastering my anger. I simply chose not to serve. Still, the mercy of God is relentless. It overtook me as I was walking alone in a nearby mall after the service (I was present as an attendee). One of my choir mates was there and we ended up talking together and eating cheesecake. I was no longer alone. God allowed me to connect with someone. And over yummy food. What more can one ask?
  .

• .
• The next day, we had a rehearsal for a worship concert. Our chorus master asked me how I was.
  
  "Galit ako sa 'yo," I said matter-of-factly and said my piece. He explained his decision was a technical one and nothing personal. And I said my anger was not personal. I just felt passionately about the other songs. Call it creative differences.
  
  By the grace of God, I swallowed my pride and apologized for not showing up at all. In the past, I would have insisted that I was right and he was wrong. Only God knows how badly things could have gone.
  
  He forgave me. I think we were a little extra nice to each other after that.
  
  Thank you, Lord. =)

Wooed

Syempre kinikilig ako when I see flowers from my Beloved...

Okay, hindi siya flower, but I just had to include this because sunshine on my shoulder, when filtered through trees, makes me happy. =)

Thank you, Lord. I love you, too. Mwah! =)

Desolation. Saturation.

I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God. I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness (which I still struggle with even now):

• I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.
• After so many years of working, I have no financial success to speak of. None of my previous employers rave about me and want me back. It's just a lackluster career that feels empty.
• I'm a terrible servant. I leave many things undone. My heart is full of darkness.

This and other similar thoughts were going through my head. Over and over. Like a broken record.

"Lord, I need affirmation!" I cried out to Him. The song (by Planetshakers) that resonated with my heart during this time of desolation said:

Jesus, I'm desperate for You
Jesus, I'm hungry for You
Jesus, I'm longing for You
Lord You are all I want...

Come like a flood and saturate me now
You're all I want
Come like a wind and sweep throughout this place
You're all we want

"Lord," I beg Him, "I need saturation..."

The next day, one of our chorus brothers in Christ tells me that God has a message for me.

He begins by saying when you keep giving and giving, sometimes you have nothing left to give. You are left empty. "You need saturation," he tells me. Spend time with God, he says.

Then for some reason he goes on to say, "I don't know what God's plans for you are. But I see that you would make a good partner for someone."

Wow! I wipe at my tears.

After the service, he approaches me. He says God has a message for me: "He sees you as one of his angels. Not literally with wings. He sees your heart, your willingness to serve. You are one of his angels."

Grateful tears leak out of me. I can't help it. When I cry out to God, He answers... oh so tenderly.