Choosing who you are

My father's side of the family joke often about our seemingly genetic weakness--what is euphemistically called an artistic temperament. I struggled with my own version of it, which in my younger days manifested as an all-day neighborhood-shaking tantrum when I was left at my grandmother's; non-stop crying when a moving truck convoyed with my father's car (my mother explains I must have thought we were being kidnapped or something); and flying off the handle over a can of milk punctured the wrong side up. I recall being very, very upset over a three-day blackout and missing Saturday morning cartoons.

Fortunately, a turning point in my faith journey (a Life in the Spirit Seminar) contributed so much to my conversion. Experiencing God as a gentle embrace was a paradigm shift and over time, I have grown to be a better person.

Some people who got to know me after my conversion experience have given me positive feedback. One person once told me I have a gentle spirit. The most generous compliment I ever received was one person telling me that my silence resembled that of Mary's (maybe of Bethany?). Wow. What a turnaround from where I had been!


But the truth of the matter is, I am aware of my temper still lurking underneath the surface. 

As the holidays brought more family time, the choice of being who you are came to the fore for me. 

One of the family members I dearly love threw what I would describe as a tantrum. And while I understood the hurt and the pain behind it, the larger part of me was actually unsympathetic. I was thinking, you are an adult now. You can handle your pain better than that. 

And that thought hardened my heart and I found my temper more ready to flare. And when my temper did flare, the other person backed down and I got my way.

I jokingly told my mother, this is the lesson I am learning this holiday season. Unahan ng init ng ulo. The person with the worst temper wins.

But after witnessing one of my loved ones throw the worst unexplained sulking tantrum in decades, I realized... I don't want to die a masungit person. Even if that person probably gets more of their way than the meek and gentle person, I would rather die a nicer version of myself. And the choice is in my hands.

As the new year is ushered in, may we all make choices to be the better versions of ourselves especially when it is most difficult.

Lord, I have lost my patience with the people around me. I'm sorry. Please renew my patience. Help me to be merciful as you are always merciful to me. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Reflections on Vocation - part 2

I started part 1 last November 22, soon after the Kerygma Conference. This is the continuation of that reflection.

The message I had been receiving was to be who God meant me to be. In Bo Sanchez's talk, the message was reinforced yet again.

He talked about accepting your royal self (a child of God, therefore a child of the King) and accepting your real self. 

The liberating messages for me are the following: 

• The most painful thing you can do to yourself is to try to be someone else. 
• Not everyone will like your real self. That's okay. 
• Spend time with people who like you. 
• Love those who dislike you from a distance but there is no need to spend time with them or hang out with them.

This message was particularly liberating because it affirmed a crazy decision I made to leave behind certain things... people actually... even if it meant not having any income and relying solely on providence for a few months. 

After I had left, I realized how negatively I had been affected by at least one person I had been spending time with. I had tried to be loving but in the end, I was hurting myself because I was trying to please a critical, passive-aggressive person. And to be told it's okay not to be liked by her was such a relief. It's okay she will never like me. It's okay to stop trying to be liked by her. It's okay. Pray for her. That's the way to be Christian. 

What a relief not to have to tiptoe around her. What a relief not to have to sit in silence and endure gossip and be benignly ignored. What a relief to be allowed to smile and laugh and chat with people you like and not worry that someone will gossip about you. Wow! I didn't realize I was causing myself pain by trying to be less than I am... a little less obtrusive, a little less happy, a little less confident, in the hope that maybe then, I'll fit in.

Lord, I just surrender the toxic person in my life. I am tempted to bash her before you because of the hurt I have accumulated over a year and a half. I admit this weakness before your throne in the hope that you would strengthen me with your love.

Help me to love and respect myself first. I forgive myself for allowing another person to affect me so I chose to be less than who I am. I choose to forgive the person whose words and actions I found critical, judgmental and hurtful. Heal me from the wounds I may have received so my tongue may not try to take vengeance and instead be held in peace by your love. 

Thank you for bringing people into my life who affirm me and boost my confidence. Thank you for the people who support me and care for me. Thank you for the permission--nay, encouragement--to be myself, to be the person you meant me to be. Thank you for this gift of freedom. 

Thank you for my Nanay, ever-patient listening ear...
Thank you for my Tatay, prayer warrior...
Thank you for my siblings...
Thank you for Fr. RCF... and all the wonderful SVD priests...
Thank you for my CTS family...
Thank you for S... and B...  
Thank you for A... and Sir T... who are professional and kind colleagues...
Thank you for all my professors and classmates... 
Thank you for all the people who actually like me for who I am... geeky friends; singing friends; praying friends; unique, unclassifiable friends who let me be my unique, unclassifiable self... and vice versa...

Help me to be a better person and a better friend, to be a builder of bridges instead of walls. Grant me the grace to be fully who you meant me to be so I can be one of the people who sets the world aflame for love of you. 

All these I pray in Jesus' name. Amen. 


 

Receiving more than what you ask for

At the recently concluded Kerygma Conference, glow sticks were being given out at the end of Sunday's talk. Thinking the colors were probably in the neon greens, pinks, and yellows, I was hoping for a green one---probably influenced by the KCon's motif this year. I had put my glow stick in my bag when I saw there was a blue one... which I realized was what I really wanted, I just didn't know it existed. 

But guess what? When I zipped open my bag's pocket to get fare for the bus, I saw that I had a blue glow stick after all. I got what I really wanted even though I had asked for something else.

Sometimes we pray for this and that but we don't get what we ask for. Sometimes it's because God knows our hearts better than we do. He knows what will truly make us happy. So he says no to the green glow stick request because he knows it's actually the blue one that would delight us most. We just didn't know it was even in the realm of the possible. But God knows all the options that exist. And he knows what is best. Sometimes he'll give it to you even if you didn't ask for it. Wala lang. It's just how he loves--lavishly, wanting only what is best for his children.

Lord, I don't even know what to pray for. But your love is so perfect, there is nothing else for me to do but trust you. Your will be done. Grant me the grace to cooperate fully. I know your perfect will is what will give me that deep and blessed joy only you can give. I trust in you. Thank you for wanting only what is best for me. Amen.