Speak, Lord...

Si Lord talaga, grabe mangusap!

After a prolonged absence, I finally attended my first Feast of the year. I had received my first week's wages from going back to part-time work at DWST, so I could pay for transpo and food. Thank you, Lord, for providence!

It was the third talk in the current series, God Exposed: Touch.

Several things struck me as highly personal language between my God and me: 

• the speaker used the term "Kilig moments with God," which is the title of this blog; 
• the talk on vocation struck a nerve yet again, especially when he described the "holy discontent" we experience when we are not heeding the call--recently, I felt that restlessness even in the seminary, but the slight shift in direction seems to have quieted my heart; and
•  the song "Pilgrim's Theme" by Bukas Palad was sung--the song I suggested to KB when we were having yet another heart-to-heart chat at Divine Zeal just the day before. 

Even more helpful was the confession-turned-counseling session with one of the priests at the Feast. He talked to me in a way which I found challenging and insightful. 

In sum, the message God was telling me was: 

• All vocation choices are equal. Religious life is not superior to married life or single blessedness.
• The vocations are parallel roads of loving that lead to the same destination: eternity with God.
• Vocation is the choice to love each day. Whether it is saying yes to God daily as a priest or as someone's wife or as a single person serving her family or community.
• Vocation is a gift. It is not deserved or merited but again a gift by the mercy of God.  
• To be successful at one's vocation, one must remember the source of strength through whom we can do all things: Christ.

The most liberating aspect I think was the priest's advice regarding a bit of turmoil I am undergoing: talk it over with the person concerned. I think I was so afraid I was being a stumbling block to someone, I blocked off any opportunity to talk. But the action step is: talk it over... But be prepared for either outcome. 

* * * * * * 

My aunt and uncle were having a retreat in Tagaytay over the weekend. My uncle texted me to request for two priests for confession. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my phone at the apartment and read the text at 1 am in the morning of Friday, the day they needed the confessors.

When I arrived at the seminary, several priests were in the lobby, including Fr. C, who had been sick but was now recovering. I asked him about the confessors and he recommended two: Fr. M was not available but Fr. P agreed to the 8 pm schedule. 

But then, my uncle texts to say the schedule is 5 pm to 7 pm. Oh no... there are no priests available and Fr. P has not replied whether this change is okay or not. Finally, I surrender, thinking, well that's what happens when you make a request at the last minute. So I text my uncle to relay the most likely scenario that no one can make it; everyone already has appointments. 

When the work day is done, I go up to clock out and find Fr. P there waiting! My jaw drops in gratitude. I call my aunt, let them know we're coming, ask KB for a ride, and off we go. Everything falls into place, especially KB being available and willing with her vehicle. Fr. P arrives at the retreat to save the day! Yay! 

* * * * * *

Thank you, Lord, for confessor priests and for making a way for them to get to where they're needed.

Lord, thank you for the instruments you use to speak to us. Help us to listen and obey.

I especially pray that you would guide me and ___ so we can talk openly and honestly. Grant us the grace to heed your call in the best way. May your perfect will be done. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Tiptoing... trotting...

Relationships are a tricky business especially when the people around you whom you care about are having a serious conflict. 

But I am grateful that despite the complicated situation, the graduation ceremony went off without a hitch and people somehow managed to be around each other despite everything.

Also, a decision to stay with a friend bore fruit in heart-to-heart conversation which eased my own worries and again confirmed my respect and trust in this person. Thanks, KB!

* * * * *

One block away from my house, the happy anticipation of getting home was interrupted with a sudden bump, a screech and yelp of pain--in horror, I saw a puppy looking up at me in fear under the wheel of the tricycle! All I could think at that moment was, "Lord!" and grabbing Jesus' arm. I had no words to plead for the puppy but my emotions did all the talking I think.

Somehow, the puppy escaped and trotted out--I was looking for a limp but, thank God, the cutie seemed fine, though it continued crying. Thank you, Lord, for letting the puppy be okay. Superthanks!!! 

RCF

Only now has it become clear to me how much one shepherd has been laying down his life for his sheep...

Maybe he is not liked by some of his confreres but unlike me, he does not let that stop him.

He will buy a photocopier out of his own money so he can get the best one which will last longer. He will pay the salaries of teachers in an alternative learning system (ALS) so some out of school youth will get a chance for a better future with an education.

And he advocated for me so I can get a master's degree in scripture because he saw my potential. He believed in me even before I did. He has a knack for that, choosing the right people for the right job. He picked a wonderful teacher for the ALS who keeps laying down her life for her students. He picked a critical minded librarian (who topped the license exams for his profession) so the seminary's library can be put in order. He picked a motherly coordinator for the Certificate in Theological Studies program who is able to befriend just about any one. He picks golden-hearted friends who are willing to make and sell candles to support ALS, cook dinner or wash dishes, buy curtains, take care of awards, entertain guests, sell old books, and any manner of service because they see where his heart is.

And he picked me to edit a journal for philosophy and theological studies because I am qualified to do it—I have experience with a national broadsheet and have published books under my name, one of which was hailed as one of the best reads in 2012. He saw I had a passion for scripture and an interest in the Old Testament, which providentially dovetailed with his own specialization.

And even if people around him misinterpret him and think he is some kind of dictator, the people who are in his circle know better. He puts the action in mission.

Perhaps there is a perception that I am not free to make other choices. But I am free. For a time, I was unsure of where to go and what to do with my life. I could not even say for certain that he still wanted me as part of his staff. Dynamics change. I wanted to give him the freedom if he wanted to hire someone else; on my part, I didn't want to be working full time for the seminary anymore. Part of me wanted to go back to the corporate world; another part wanted the convent. Confused might begin to cover it. But now things are becoming clearer.

All things being equal, I would choose him as my boss. It is a free response in thanksgiving for the gift of education he was generous enough to extend to me. I freely chose sacred scripture as my specialization. And I would choose it again. I could spend my life studying scripture and never come close to exhausting its richness.

I am not alone in choosing him back. His loyal right-hand man chooses him back and serves him in any way he can—be it by baking bread to support ALS or cooking dinner or taking the dog for a walk. Our librarian gave up a much more lucrative job to serve in his seminary. Teachers of sacred scripture go all the way to Tagaytay to teach because of their friendship. I would serve him for as long as he is there. 

His critics may continue to criticize. But you have to ask yourself why those who know him like to stick around. That priest has peeled a singkamas and shared half of it with me. I am not that good or humble of a servant. But no task is beneath him. He just happens to have people around him who like to do those things for him (admittedly, I only like to do office-related stuff; maybe I'll wash dishes but no, I can't cook and I dislike cleaning).

Someone might criticize him for not praying with his community enough. I think it is impossible for a man to achieve what he does if he was not secretly praying. And that's how I see his good deeds—done in secret. I think he prays in secret too.

Because of all the man does for me, for ALS, and for CTS, among others, I can't help feeling hurt that maybe some folks do not see him the way I do. I can't help feeling that we, the CTS, are at the periphery of this community. Maybe it's because he sees his service to the seminarians as one of a disciplinarian. That does not make him very popular. But as a teacher in the Certificate in Theological Studies, “a Saturday program open to everyone especially to faith-seekers and laypeople who would like to have a deeper and critical knowledge of the Bible and the Christian faith,” he is a shepherd trying to call the sheep back home. He is all smiles, no grades, and free coffee for the lay. Is it possible that the older brother seminarian is jealous of the younger prodigal child? Why does this shepherd give the younger one free coffee while giving the older brothers a lecture for doing something wrong?

Again, I believe it is how he loves. He expects much from future priests and often gives them the stick. From the lay, he hopes they will continue to deepen in the faith, so he extends the carrot. But if the older brother seminarian would just pluck up the courage to get to know Fr. R, I think he will be surprised to find RCF has a very tender heart.

For everything you do, Fr. R, thanks. You may not get an award from anyone else but we in the CTS love you very much.

Guidance

Last Monday, I was at the Ateneo to listen to the doctoral dissertation of my mentor-boss, Fr. R. When I arrived, the first familiar face I saw was Sr. B, my professor in Pauline literature. Thanks to her, I reached the right room without difficulty. 

After the dissertation, I was going to meet my sister in Makati for our Bible Timeline module, spearheaded by the Light of Jesus Family (LOJ), which was scheduled for that evening. Thanks to my theology classmate (CTS), KB, I got on the right jeep for the most efficient route to the venue. Thanks, KB!

I was being guided to the right places... Sr. B and KB were my guides.

Earlier, during our post-dissertation bonding over Italian food, KB and I were discussing various things. For my part, I shared with her how I was having difficulty figuring out what to do with my life, especially when I finish my thesis. 

I have various options in mind, one of which is if I go back to LOJ (Light of Jesus Family), where and how will I serve? This question seems to be the first one answered...

After the first Bible Timeline session was over, the facilitators for the next 23 weeks were going to be oriented, including my sister. She was inviting me to be a facilitator too but I declined since I preferred to participate first--plus, I used to serve at PICC and planned to serve there again, not at Makati Feast. 

As they were being oriented, I sat at the back and listened--just in case I would be a facilitator in the future. But the person giving the talk remembered me from PICC Feast and called me by name, told everyone basically that I was studying theology, and invited me to sit up front and be a facilitator as well. How could I say no?  I'd like to think of it as an answered prayer in my asking God about where he wants me to go next and how I can use what has been given to me. The happiness in my heart was overflowing... I realized as I was doing the assignment later in the week that my studies in sacred scripture would allow me to be a well-informed facilitator. Finally... a venue to share some of the things I have been blessed to learn!

Still, I am so conflicted at the moment. I want to serve the mentor who has so generously supported my studies. I am also being invited to serve in another department in the seminary. And still another colleague from media is inviting me to go back to our company. 

Maybe I have crossed off one option... May is approaching. That is the time when the ASSJM will be receiving aspirants. If I'm going to give religious life a try, this would have been the ideal time to take the leap. However, since I committed to the LOJ bible study, I have in fact effectively chosen to remain outside. Besides, the possibility of sharing some Hebrew or Greek or ANE knowledge with LOJ filled me with such joy, I can only surmise it was divine inspiration guiding me to the right path. 

The remaining uncertainty is a tense knot in my being. I don't know what to do. How do I make this decision? However, I will try to remember... when I seek the Kingdom of God, he will not let me go unguided. He will let himself be found. He will lead me to the right choices, the right places, the right people. 

In the meantime, I will heed my mother's advice: finish your thesis!

Lord, thank you for the successful defense of Fr. Dr. RCF. Thank you for giving him to us as a guide to sacred scripture, together with all of our talented professors over the past three years: Fr. T, Sr. B, Sr. M, Sr. N, and so many more...  

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to study. Please help me to make the best decision regarding how to use your blessings for your purpose... what to do... where to serve... and please, please provide for my finances. Breaking point na ko, Lord. Kayo na sana bahala. I surrender the uncertainty of everything into your merciful hands. May your will be done. Amen.  

Summoning Le Chink

It was during Sunday lunch when I confronted my sister with the feelings I had been holding in for the past two months. It was not well said, not at all diplomatic, and not well received.

However, like divine intervention whispering in his ear, my good friend Le Chink texts me soon after and we agree to meet up later and go to mass. We have a lovely dinner, conversation that relieves me of my stress and worries, and a ride home to boot because he was giving me a lovely bouquet of chicos. 

"Sorry, they're not roses," he says.

"I prefer these to roses," I grin. "But you promised me two boxes," I pretend to complain. He is giving me two bags. 

Bwahahaha! 

Chico monster is very happy and laughs like an evil villain in a play--except there is no villainy. Just a very happy chico monster looking forward to eating a lot of chicos.

And today I am reconciled with my sister. Yahoo! I feel very blessed indeed. The knot in my heart has been released. I am feeling very, very happy. 

Thank you, Lord, for good friends with impeccable timing who see us through bumps in the road. And thank you for sisters who forgive us for saying hurtful things. Thank you for sisters we can argue with. Thank you for sisters we can reconcile with. Hugs! 

Heroes of Hope - Part 7

There are many people to thank and honor... the carpenters who worked regardless of the rain and lack of raincoats in the first weeks... and who gave up their New Year with their families. 

The volunteers who were not individually named... for their thoughtful deeds and cheerful demeanor at all times. Thank you.

In total, the mission assisted 89 houses. It's funny how some people seem to expect you to do more. I believe it's about doing what you can, even in the face of what seems insurmountable. 

The mission has concluded and everyone is in their respective homes where they ought to be. Right now, useful relief goods would include candles and matches. If someone reading this blog wants to replicate what Fazenda has done, one of the first things to consider would be where to stay while in the mission field. The Fazenda team hired carpenters from their area and invited volunteers for support. The professional carpenters did the essential roofing work while volunteers did what they could to hep out. And the community from Brazil raised funds to buy the necessary materials. Everything came together. 

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings. Thank you for allowing us to participate in this mission. Please continue using our five loaves and two fish. Please continue providing for those in need. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Heroes of Hope - Fr. John

Just picked up from the airport, Fr. John is still in his traveling clothes.

I know a lot of good priests and see them in action everyday but I don't take their pictures while they're doing it. Still, it would be good to honor one. It's always a delight to see a good and holy priest in action outside of the liturgical celebration.

Fr. John arrived a day before our last working day in Tacloban. However briefly, it was nice to meet him.

Thank you, Fr. John, for your presence, the spiritual support and words of wisdom during and outside of mass, especially for allaying our doubts about how insignificant our participation was. Thank you also for the raincoats. May God continue using you as a shepherd of his people. God bless and keep you always!