Death

Death came for my father at last. His suffering is over. He is at peace.

Silence comes easily but I cannot blog a blank page. The right words feel like fish I am trying to catch by hand. 

There is a serenity punctuated by tearful moments. I imagine him having a heavenly reunion with loved ones. He is with his parents again, my grandparents, whom he would miss from time to time when he was still on earth. I wonder if he and another relative, who died twelve hours after him, chat while queuing to enter heaven. 

"Nandito ka rin?" one might ask. Then they would take turns relating how they died. Afterwards they would compare notes on their children and talk of their hopes and dreams for those they left behind.

I see my father meeting new friends... a father of a close friend who died about seven or eight years ago. Maybe the mother of BCat who died even earlier. 

I wonder if he had chatted on earth with the father of a cousin-in-law who died two days after him or if their heavenly chat would be their first real conversation.

There is a great comfort in "the communion of saints" that forms part of my Catholic faith. Love is stronger than death. The relationship continues even after the physical separation. We still belong to the same body of Christ.

* * * * *

Throughout the difficulties since Tatay got sick, true friends have come to the fore with their prayers, emotional and financial support. The generosity has been overwhelming. What particularly touched me was that our main doctor truly fought with us; he stopped charging anything for a good part of our stay even when he was making daily rounds and spending time with us to answer our questions.  

Three months' stay in the hospital is no joke but because of people just pouring out their support, a significant chunk of the cost was borne by friends and relatives. PCSO helped too. My faith in divine providence has been renewed.

Lord, thank you for being with us every step of the way through the valley of death. We trust in your merciful salvation to see us through to triumphant resurrection. May all the souls of the faithful departed rest in the peace that only you can give. This we ask in Jesus' name.

Hope

Three years of unexpressed yearning; two months of sweetness; three months of hoping while in non-communication; one month of moving on... doing the right thing has never felt more miserable. 

Strangely, I find my personal misery is keeping me from feeling what I might be feeling if all I had to bear was my father's comatose condition. Maybe two different pains cannot occupy the same space. While my mother and sisters shed tears at the grim possibilities before us, I am still shedding tears from something entirely different. 

I guess in my father's case, hope does not hurt me. I see the reality before me but I can still hope for a miracle. This hope buoys me up. I will shed tears later when no hope is left.

As for the other... I have to keep reminding myself of the realities. There is no hope here, only delusion. There is no hope for me here, so I shed my tears now.

Thank you, Lord, for this strange blessing: that the heaviness of one cross helps me to better bear another. 

Nine minutes

My Sunday plan was to get to the Feast Bay Area around 10 am so I could go to confession and attend the 1 pm session. I was surprised to find that the priest who was there was the same one I confessed to a few months ago. In a way, it was another step to closure since he was the one who advised me of non-communication with a guy who got confused in his commitments by his feelings for me. It was quite a quick confession compared to the first time. I wonder if it's because Father remembers me and I did not have to elaborate on anything anymore. Anyway, am grateful for this sacrament.

* * * * * 

I went to Chow King for lunch and ordered chao fan rice with lumpiang shanghai toppings. When I got to the cutlery, there was only one metal fork left. So I grabbed it and a plastic spoon. It turned out, the metal fork was what I needed because it was far more manageable to eat the lumpiang shanghai with a fork that could actually pierce the crispy lumpia wrapper rather than have plastic utensils breaking on me.

Thank you, Lord.

* * * * *

Le Chink was there for me after the Feast. He treated me to a lavish buffet at Vikings and afterwards let me cry as much as I wanted. Turns out I needed a good cry. 

Thank you, Lord, for good friends who are there for us when we need them. 

* * * * *

When we got home, my brother called from the hospital. It was a call that threw the whole family into a panic but thank God, it was not yet the call. 

While on bantay duty, my father coughed so my brother buzzed for the nurse so they could suction out phlegm. When Art (the nurse) arrived, he noticed my father was very pale and a check of his vitals showed things were going down. A quick response from Art, Gelo and the other wonderful nurses revived my father from cardiac arrest after nine minutes.

Thank you, Lord. I hope whatever happened in that nine minutes, Tatay was with you. May your mercy prevail. We still hope for healing... will keep hoping until the end. But whatever happens, I hope Tatay will abide in you always. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Praise in Lament

Last Sunday, I was at the Feast PICC (now to be known as Feast Bay Area, with different venues: the 8:00 and 10:30 sessions at PICC; the 9:00 am, 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm sessions at the Aliw Theater; and Saturdays at the Star Theater at 5:30 pm).

This month's series is entitled Advancers: Age of Worship. Summed up, the big message I got was that: life is a battle and our battle cry is worship.

Right now, I am battling on two fronts: helping care for our sick father and moving on from a romantic entanglement. 

Sunday actually marked the official end of that romantic entanglement but the mind and heart of a person in love plays tricks and keeps grasping at straws of hope, however flimsy. Even to the last minute, I hoped for a happy ending for me... that ending that can only happen in movies where the leading man chooses the leading lady despite all odds and all reason. How desperately we want to believe the words our beloved tells us when they are saying one thing but in truth are really saying goodbye. 

The realistic hope I had was to see friends at the Feast to unburden my heart; but the ladies I was hoping for were nowhere to be found. And instead, while I sang that I surrendered it all, in my heart I found myself hoping for the impossible love to be there choosing me over everything else. Lord, bakit ganun? I'm doing my best to surrender, bakit umaasa pa rin ako kahit wala naman dapat asahan pa?

But at the end of the day, I did get consolation in the form of Le Chink, an old reliable friend who texted out of the blue asking if I was free that afternoon. So I did manage to unburden myself on a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. And he had a gift of mangoes to boot... all the better to soothe your heartache with my dear. So thank you, Lord, for sending what we needed to help us get through the day.

* * * * *

That night, I was on hospital duty. Armed with the big message from the Feast, I just kept praying throughout the night, alternating between worship songs and the rosary. Surprisingly, it was a relatively peaceful night with my father mostly asleep. Those nights are good nights for me so I thank God for battling for me. Mission accomplished: the feeding tube so necessary for his nutrition and medicines did not get pulled out in his sleep or in his stubborness. I did not have to put on his mittens to restrain him. And he allowed me to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet with him. Thank you, Lord!

Last night was not as simple, but truly, worshipping God in the midst of battle--having God with me in the dark, through the tears and the heartache--this is the victory we can claim while we are on this earth as part of the church militant.

* * * * *

Father, thank you for giving us an accurate diagnosis and means of treatment after such a long wait. Since the cost is far beyond our means, I know this is your battle and not mine. So I will trust in your providence that has been with us from the beginning. I declare your providence will continue to sustain us through the next eight weeks and beyond because you are our provider, our healer, our redeemer. Praise be to you. Thank you, Lord!

Lord, salamat din for all our heartaches. Thank you for the healing that will come in your time and through your grace. You have done so much for us in the past; we know you continue to be with us and will be with us through this painful time until we will just wake up one day and realize we're okay again. Thank you for the lessons each special person brings into our life. Please bless them always and keep them safe for all eternity. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Tearful Rainbows

It has been quite a difficult time lately but that does not mean there are no intimate moments with God. But sorrowful intimate moments are not what I was going for when I started this blog. Still, bright moments are available for those with the eyes to see.

* * * * *

Last April 20, my parents and I were going to a specialist at the University of Sto. Tomas for alternative treatments to my father's persistent headache. My mother was frazzled because she was unable to get through to the cab company which kept giving a busy signal. However, as she was preparing other things for our doctor's appointment, I said a little prayer, dialed the cab company's number and amazingly got through on the first try. 

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be of assistance to her even in small things.

* * * * *

Confessions of an almost-other-woman...

Without intending to, I fell for someone who was already committed. Some lines were crossed, though by the mercy of God, not to the point of no return. Over the past five months, I had been hoping he would eventually choose me. Meanwhile, I still tried to make the best of things, went to confession, stayed away as much as I could, etc. But deep inside, I was still stubbornly hoping.

It has been difficult coming to terms with reality but I still believe in doing the right thing. During this time of struggle, I came across one of my favorite movies, Casablanca. It is such a rare example of doing the right thing even when our heart wants other things.

For those not familiar with the movie, spoiler alert. Believing her husband dead, Ilsa and Rick fall in love in Paris but on the day they were to go away together, Ilsa receives news that her husband Victor was only a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp and is alive. She leaves Rick without sufficient explanation and the latter becomes embittered by the experience.

As their paths cross in Casablanca, it seems Rick's bitterness at the whole affair hardens him from assisting Ilsa and Victor to escape the Nazis. But soon, Ilsa's and Rick's feelings are rekindled. Their plan is to give Victor a letter of transit so he can escape and continue leading the resistance, but Ilsa will stay with Rick in Casablanca. However, Rick discusses a different Plan B with the chief of police, Captain Renault, as his co-conspirator: Rick and Ilsa will take the letters of transit and leave Victor behind. But it turns out Rick has a Plan C.

Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I... I...

Rick: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, Louie?

Captain Renault: I'm afraid Major Strasser would insist.

Ilsa: You're saying this only to make me go.

Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you...

Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]

Rick: Now, now...

[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]

Rick: Here's looking at you kid.

Got the quote from this link.

Sometimes you just have to set aside what you feel because the right thing to do is to step aside and let Ilsa be with Victor. Even if it could mean a metaphorical death for you.

* * * * *

As I go through the grieving part of being broken-hearted, I strangely find the ending of Spider-man 3 comforting. It's the scene where Mary Jane is singing:

I'm through with love

I'll never fall again

Said adieu to love

Don't ever call again

For I must love you or no one

And so I'm through with love

Of course, in parentheses, I'm adding "at least for now." I may not have gotten Rick but maybe there is still a Victor--the one God intended for me with no sinful strings attached. Someday.

* * * * *

First forty days - colon surgery and complications

Second forty days - persistent headache/ double vision

Third forty days [Lent] - temporary relief with steroids

Fourth forty days [Easter Monday - Ascension] - two admissions in the hospital, ongoing

Blessings in the midst of trials include surprising and generous sources of providence; kind nurses; supportive relatives; and prayer warriors.

* * * * *

Life is a battle and my battlecry is worship (big message from current Feast: Advancers). So I will praise the Lord amidst my tears and allow him to convert me over and over again. To God be the glory.

Laudate Dominum

Last Sunday, my brother and sister-in-law treated me to a concert featuring the Music Hub, Bukas Palad Ministry and the Philippine Madrigal Singers. "Laudate Dominum: A Post-Papal Visit Benefit Concert" was held at St. Paul Pasig.

My love affair with Bukas Palad and Madrigal spans more than twenty years. Bukas Palad songs, mostly composed by Fr. Manoling Francisco, have been in our college choir repertoire ever since I can remember, while I first heard and fell in love with the Madz also in college, with national artist in music, Prof. Andrea Veneracion, as conductor.

Despite the length of time I have been singing Bukas Palad songs, I have never heard them sing live until last Sunday. I was pleasantly astounded. I knew they were good but they were even better in person with their charismatic smiles and energy. 

The Madz have evolved under different leadership. Honestly, I miss the Veneracion flavor but the excellence is still there with an increase in showmanship. 

Watching these two different groups perform made me reflect on my journey as a music minister. Bukas Palad and their songs represent to me friendships rooted in service to God that began twenty five years ago in college and endure to this day. 

A one-semester stint with a Madz-inspired choir allowed me to have a deeper appreciation for the technical difficulties involved in singing at the level of excellence which is embodied by the Philippine Madrigal Singers.

But I realized early on that singing secular songs did not give me the joy that singing Christian songs did. Singing is praying twice when directed towards God. And God deserves nothing but our most excellent offering but too much preoccupation with the technicalities of singing can get in the way of worship. 

What I found ironic was that the Madz sprung from the bosom of the University of the Philippines, which is supposed to be more for the masses, but their form of singing requires much skill and as a result, is more elitist. It has borne fruit in the form of Madz, et al, which is composed of Madz-inspired choirs headed by Madrigal alumni. This is the beautiful legacy of Veneracion, who envisioned a singing Philippines. There are now more than sixty choirs who are featured in the music festival featuring the Madz and their friends.

On the other hand, Bukas Palad, which is based at the elite Ateneo de Manila, is more universal. "Manoling" songs are sung in every parish and bring life to the liturgy. There is no association of choirs affiliated with the Bukas Palad but the songs they have popularized have become part of the Filipino Catholic psyche.  

I never thought these two groups could ever get together but that's exactly what they did for the recently concluded papal visit. Last Sunday's concert featured the choirs first separately and then together singing songs from the papal mass at Luneta. 

The unity of the two groups was inspiring. Differences, if any, were set aside, and they just came together in harmony to serve. The Luneta choir had 1000-members from different parishes. And the cream of the crop was at last Sunday's concert. It was a privilege to watch.  

******

Now my musical ministry journey includes the charismatic style of service using songs from Hillsong, Matt Maher, Chris Tomlin, and so much more. It is again a different form. Individual microphones, stage make up, and coordinated outfits are part and parcel of every service rather than a once-a-year-concert-related effort.

At its heart, it is still the same. Serving in the music ministry is directing our hearts toward God in the best way we can, not only in the technical aspect but more importantly on the inside. Because worship is not limited to the stage. Worship is your life--how you serve your family, how you work at your job or school projects, how you are a friend to others. Sometimes this internal worship is made manifest on stage for two hours and contributes to the music of the congregation in a pleasing offering to God.  At least we hope it is a pleasing offering. 

God hears the true song your heart is singing. Kung merong wala sa tono, baka kailangan ng kaunting confession. Let's hope the song of our lives is always in tune with the will of God so it may be a pleasing offering to him.

Lord, thank you for the gift of music. Thank you for the friendships rooted in you. May more people continue to be blessed by music ministers everywhere, especially by their acts of love off stage. May all of us, whether we are still active music servants or not, continue to lift up our lives as an offering of worship to you. 

P.S. One kilig moment for me was that the concert had a late start. I was grateful because I was 17 minutes late (left MOA at 1:30 to reach the 3 pm concert but was delayed by bus stops and an unforeseen period of waiting at Coastal Mall). Thanks to technical difficulties, inabot ko ang umpisa. Thank you, Lord!

Rock Bottom

February 21 was my last day at work. I resigned despite my desire to gain a degree in theology partly because of our father's health concerns.

So now all I have are unanswered questions. Where do I go? What do I do? How can I best serve my family?

And there is this feeling of failure. I invested three years of time and effort to further my education... but a thesis away from this degree, I admit defeat. "Delay" is the word I should use, they say. But this does not comfort at the moment. 

I had imagined the possibilities of teaching armed with a degree. But without it, I do not have a plan B. 

I have not lost hope. And the next series of talks at Feast PICC seems fit to address my feeling of failure. I need to figure out a plan B and fast. In the meantime, I will put my hands to work in whatever present moment I happen to be in and direct my heart to God. 

Lord, please guide and direct me so I can do what you want me to do and be what you want me to be. Help me to listen and obey. Inspire me to dream again, to plan, and to act. May the dreams you plant in my heart come true through full hard-working cooperation with your grace. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

P.S. On a related note, one of my questions is where do I go to serve (the Church)? Specifically was wondering which ministry at the Feast to serve in, but in today's talk, it seems Bo is encouraging us to serve outside. 

I have been considering my first community where I fell in love with God. Maybe that's where I am supposed to be at the moment as a servant. Keep getting nourished at the Feast but serve somewhere else... maybe.

Practicing songs for mass with my original community
last Sunday.