I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God. I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness (which I still struggle with even now):
- I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.
- After so many years of working, I have no financial success to speak of. None of my previous employers rave about me and want me back. It's just a lackluster career that feels empty.
- I'm a terrible servant. I leave many things undone. My heart is full of darkness.
This and other similar thoughts were going through my head. Over and over. Like a broken record.
"Lord, I need affirmation!" I cried out to Him. The song (by Planetshakers) that resonated with my heart during this time of desolation said:
Jesus, I'm desperate for You
Jesus, I'm hungry for You
Jesus, I'm longing for You
Lord You are all I want...
Come like a flood and saturate me now
You're all I want
Come like a wind and sweep throughout this place
You're all we want
"Lord," I beg Him, "I need saturation..."
The next day, one of our chorus brothers in Christ tells me that God has a message for me.
He begins by saying when you keep giving and giving, sometimes you have nothing left to give. You are left empty. "You need saturation," he tells me. Spend time with God, he says.
Then for some reason he goes on to say, "I don't know what God's plans for you are. But I see that you would make a good partner for someone."
Wow! I wipe at my tears.
After the service, he approaches me. He says God has a message for me: "He sees you as one of his angels. Not literally with wings. He sees your heart, your willingness to serve. You are one of his angels."
Grateful tears leak out of me. I can't help it. When I cry out to God, He answers... oh so tenderly.
- On the way to practice, I normally stop at Farmer's Cubao to eat or check lyrics at an internet cafe. Today I needed to photocopy our attendance sheets.
I went down to the ground floor with National Bookstore in mind but I knew from past attempts that there was no photocopying service at that particular branch. So I stood in one intersection of the mall, wondering where I could find what I needed.
Then a little girl in a blue-green checkered polo asked me, "Ate, anong hinahanap niyo?" (Big sister, what are you looking for?)
"Xerox sana."
And she offered to guide me to one.
I was hesitant at first. I wondered what this was about. What if it's some form of budol budol (hypnotist criminals) but as I asked this question and asked God to protect me, my feet followed her quickly and I had this sense of amazement and wonder. I could feel goosebumps along my skin and the new question in my mind was... could she possibly be my guardian angel?
And she took me past the camera shop where I had photocopied something almost six months ago. I wanted to go in but she stopped me, "Wala na d'yan 'te."
She explained they needed something photocopied for graduation. They tried in that first shop but the service was no longer available. But in a nearby store, there was still a photocopier.
My little guide took me to the store, approached the man there and told him what I needed, and then left. I was just grateful. What a blessing she was to me. Thank you, Lord!
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- Sometime last year, I was trying to get to one rehearsal venue that was still unfamiliar. I had managed to get there maybe once or twice but this time I was coming from a different location with a different commuting route. I got lost. I arrived in tears because I was so frustrated at my own tardiness (at least an hour or so late).
The next time I was supposed to rehearse at that same venue, I was again coming from a different location with an unfamiliar commuting route. This time I sat near a man who was going the same way. I was actually asking the lady next to me about directions but he was the one who knew the way and he volunteered to guide me. I reached the venue safe and sound (and on time!) because the man and I took the same jeep. Yehey!
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- Around the same time, I needed to get to a meeting in another unfamiliar place and I wondered if I would encounter the same getting-lost obstacle. But God gave me a guide again. Even though the driver was unfamiliar with where I wanted to go (I had an address and was told which jeep to take), there were two passengers there who knew exactly what I was talking about. AND they were getting off where I was supposed to get off. Praise God!
What's more, even after we got off, they did not leave me until they were sure I knew where I was going. We checked the address and when they saw the name of the building, they pointed it out and asked if I would be okay.
Yes po. Maraming salamat!
Thank you, Lord, for the guides You send our way. =)
