Hope

Three years of unexpressed yearning; two months of sweetness; three months of hoping while in non-communication; one month of moving on... doing the right thing has never felt more miserable. 

Strangely, I find my personal misery is keeping me from feeling what I might be feeling if all I had to bear was my father's comatose condition. Maybe two different pains cannot occupy the same space. While my mother and sisters shed tears at the grim possibilities before us, I am still shedding tears from something entirely different. 

I guess in my father's case, hope does not hurt me. I see the reality before me but I can still hope for a miracle. This hope buoys me up. I will shed tears later when no hope is left.

As for the other... I have to keep reminding myself of the realities. There is no hope here, only delusion. There is no hope for me here, so I shed my tears now.

Thank you, Lord, for this strange blessing: that the heaviness of one cross helps me to better bear another. 

Nine minutes

My Sunday plan was to get to the Feast Bay Area around 10 am so I could go to confession and attend the 1 pm session. I was surprised to find that the priest who was there was the same one I confessed to a few months ago. In a way, it was another step to closure since he was the one who advised me of non-communication with a guy who got confused in his commitments by his feelings for me. It was quite a quick confession compared to the first time. I wonder if it's because Father remembers me and I did not have to elaborate on anything anymore. Anyway, am grateful for this sacrament.

* * * * * 

I went to Chow King for lunch and ordered chao fan rice with lumpiang shanghai toppings. When I got to the cutlery, there was only one metal fork left. So I grabbed it and a plastic spoon. It turned out, the metal fork was what I needed because it was far more manageable to eat the lumpiang shanghai with a fork that could actually pierce the crispy lumpia wrapper rather than have plastic utensils breaking on me.

Thank you, Lord.

* * * * *

Le Chink was there for me after the Feast. He treated me to a lavish buffet at Vikings and afterwards let me cry as much as I wanted. Turns out I needed a good cry. 

Thank you, Lord, for good friends who are there for us when we need them. 

* * * * *

When we got home, my brother called from the hospital. It was a call that threw the whole family into a panic but thank God, it was not yet the call. 

While on bantay duty, my father coughed so my brother buzzed for the nurse so they could suction out phlegm. When Art (the nurse) arrived, he noticed my father was very pale and a check of his vitals showed things were going down. A quick response from Art, Gelo and the other wonderful nurses revived my father from cardiac arrest after nine minutes.

Thank you, Lord. I hope whatever happened in that nine minutes, Tatay was with you. May your mercy prevail. We still hope for healing... will keep hoping until the end. But whatever happens, I hope Tatay will abide in you always. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.