Connected

When I got home for the weekend, my father greeted me with the news that we had no internet since last night. I silently and sadly thought to myself that I wouldn't be able to blog but just a few moments later, the internet came back on. Wala, kilig na naman ako. 

Thank you, Lord, for allowing the internet to come back on at the time that it did. Parang sadyang para sa akin. You really lavish me with your love. May we increase in our love for you. Mwah!

Busog!

I just want to thank you, Lord, for the many blessings of food today...

• AM gave us yummy macaroni and pan de sal for the morning snack.
• HE gave us a chocolate-covered donut that served as dessert after lunch.
• MV brought over the latest product from the SVD-ALS bakery--cinnamon roll, which the library staff and my housemate B also enjoyed.

• AM had another treat for us in the afternoon--egg sandwich on wheat bread. Filling!

Thank you, Lord, for giving us our daily bread, for the people who are instruments of your providence, and for allowing us to share your providence with others. 

Offer it up!

Despite all my good intentions, I fell for a man I cannot be with... the most telling circumstance being that he is in a committed relationship that will be permanent in a year or two.

Logic and morality are clearly on one side. Emotions are on the other. This week has been the most miserable so far... My heart still insists on wanting the wrong thing. 

But God continues to gently whisper to me even in the midst of my tears. This blog on vocation had me thinking as it posed a most challenging question: "The central question in discernment is: How shall I die with Christ, to rise with him? How will I lose my life to find it? What will bring me to the point where I can say, with St. Paul: “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me”?."

Of course reading a blog, no matter how beautiful, is not necessarily enough to make things better. Just as reading all these inspirational quotes on Facebook or posting reminders to myself to move on is sometimes not enough.

But as I was riding the jeep home tonight, God reminded me... offer it up. 

I had been denying my heart without offering God my pain. I had forgotten. All I could feel was my own weakness screaming for release. My focus had been completely on how I had to stay away. Deny myself. Take up the cross. Die on the cross. But how can I even begin to carry the cross except as a participation in the strength of Christ who did it perfectly? 

Yes, I pray. Grace still sees me through despite myself. How else have I fumbled through the week without any outer mishap? All the turmoil is inside. 

Ah, but the reminder to offer it up has greatly eased my misery. Misery that has lost sight of its redemptive value is just too burdensome. But suffering offered up... the burden is lighter because Christ has borne it all and continues to bear it with me. I am merely participating. 

Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to participate in Calvary in my own little way. I offer up all my heartaches, big and small, together with the perfect offering of your dearly beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world. For the sake of his sorrowful passion... have mercy on us and on the whole world. Amen.

Prophetic Chocolate

"Today I receive all of God's love for me...

 Today I open myself to the unbounded, limitless, overflowing abundance of  God's universe..."           

  - from The Feast Declaration of Abundance

Today, God's infinite love manifested itself in an unbounded, limitless, overflowing abundance of food... 

• For breakfast, B cooked rice and sitaw and shared it with me. 
• Upon reaching the library, I ate a piece of pan de sal from the SVD-ALS bakery with my coffee. 
• Then halfway through the morning, A handed L and me two types of rice cake each... biko and puto pao! 
• Lunch was c/o CTS. 
• During the afternoon break, P, a new CTS student I just met, gave me mamon. 
• On the way home, I bumped into some SASMA brothers and they treated me to isaw and Sparkle. 
• For dinner, B's mom cooked tilapia and veggies. There were grapes for dessert. 

And all evidence of this overflow has disappeared into my tummy without a trace except for a piece of chocolate with a prophecy of what will happen to me:

Hehehe...

Thank you, Lord, for providing not only physical nourishment but the people through whom you extend such overflow.

Productive

I am happy to report that today was a very productive day... I submitted the thesis I was helping proofread, and later that day, the journal we publish arrived from the printer. 

The timing of the journal delivery was again providential as I had just texted our printer that very morning to ask how production was going. Lo and behold, they arrive a little before 2 pm--even if our main contact had not received my text message. I am just thrilled when divine coordination is going on...  

And the most significant breakthrough for me was finally getting two critical email addresses I needed to get a particular task done--one I had been asking about for at least a year... Sometimes it can get really tough at work when there is no proper turnover and new staff members (me, three years ago) are left to figure things out based on whatever evidence is around. But now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Wahoo! =)

Earlier this month, the journals for book binding were finished and picked up. Yay! And some publishers we emailed regarding missing issues responded positively.

Ask and you shall receive... below is a picture of a May 17 answered prayer--and answered beyond what we asked because the copies were provided free. Double yay!  

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of work and the grace to be productive at work. Together with Pope Francis, we pray for the unemployed (and under-employed), that they "may receive support and find the work they need to live in dignity."

Beep! Beep! The right jeep is coming down the street...

Last week, I waited for some time for the right jeep to come along on the last leg of the route home. It took so long, my patience ran out. I ended up taking a not-exactly-right jeep part of the way so I can finally get the one I needed.

As I made my way home today, I wondered how difficult it would be at that particular stop. It was drizzling and the P65-umbrella I had bought to replace my lost one was drooping sadly. One spoke was beyond repair and the rest were misshapen and crooked.

But as soon as I had crossed the street, the second jeep that came was exactly what I needed. Yehey!

Sometimes we wait for the right jeep but it doesn't come--then we try another way. It could be more inconvenient but it still gets us to our destination. But sometimes, just when we need it the most, the right jeep comes along at exactly the right time. Providence! 

Thank you, Lord, for making it easy for me to stay dry and get home safely tonight. Hugs!

Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe?

I've been trying something out lately as a vocation exercise: imagining how each path would be like on a humdrum day when there is little consolation, no feelings of being on cloud nine, but just your daily taking up of your cross...  


Option A: Married Life

Imagine you are married to a man you are no longer in love with (i.e., hindi ka na kinikilig, wala na ang gigil factor). Will you still be able to decide to love? Being in love and loving are two different things. Loving might mean doing his laundry, cooking dinner, keeping the house neat, among others, especially when you don't want to. 

Personally, these are chores I find difficult on their own. How much more difficult will they be if the feeling of being in love is not there to nudge me into action? On a humdrum day, will I feel regret that I chose to be married and wish with all my might that I were on a different path altogether? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?


Option B: Religious Life

Imagine you are in a community that is in constant conflict--one faction here, another faction there; one group gossiping here and another criticizing there. Will you still be able to decide to love? 

Right now, that's what I'm attempting to do. Neutrality would seem ideal but how to attain it? It often feels like I'm trying to walk a tightrope between egg shells--and I'm crushing them with my big, awkward feet left and right. Can I still love when people are fighting? The only loving thing I can do right now is pray.

On a humdrum day when my community feels unloving... on a humdrum day when I feel rejected and out of place, will I deeply regret that I chose to be a nun? Or can I be steadfast and love through the days of drudgery?



Option C: Single-blessedness

Imagine you are a consecrated lay person. 

Life can get lonely. Temptations threaten at every corner. You can feel isolated or misunderstood. There will be no family member to care for you when you get sick. But you are free to follow the path you discern God is setting out for you.

In a way, this path is the most difficult to imagine in terms of detail. But at the heart of it, my reality is closest to this... it's what I'm trying to do: living a Christian life as a single person to the best of my ability. 

It is tougher than it looks. Your heart pulls you one way. You're supposed to go in the opposite direction. Your weaknesses and flaws are magnified by constant doubt and fear. People have no idea there can be so much inner turmoil beneath a quiet exterior.


Which path should I choose? 

• I suspect there is a possible option A with J, though it is exactly my lack of romantic feelings for him that inspired this vocation exercise.
  
• Maybe option B can still be explored after I finish my thesis... the sisters who help out at Fazenda have no age limit.
  
• There are so many option C possibilities, it's hard to narrow down right away.  

Which path was I designed to take? Reality wise, the default is option C, sans the consecration. However things may work out, I hope to find the fulfillment of all desire--the fullness of life in Christ, in whatever form it might take. Ultimately, in whatever choice we make, the call is to be faithful. 


Lord, thank you for being faithful even when I am not. Please help me to grow in steadfastness, to do the right thing, and to gracefully let go of those things not meant for me. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.