Nahum means "consolation"

It's been a while since my last blog but something happened yesterday... one of those answered prayers that come as only God's answers can come.

It all started with a prayer I co-led with a groupmate in our Biblical Apostolate class the day before. The reading was from Mark; the story was about the woman who touched Jesus to be healed. Because this story is a very personal one for me, I knew there was a possibility that I would cry... and true enough, all the emotional things I like to keep inside started leaking out during the prayer, after the class, and even when I was already at the dorm, three hours after class had ended. 

By that time, I was no longer simply leaking... the dam was cracked and I could not stop crying. My sweet Vietnamese roommate listened, encouraged and gave advice. I tried to get it together and washed my face. We had dinner, studied, and eventually went to bed.

The next day was our class in Prophetic Literature. The prophet for the day was Nahum, a name which means "consolation."

After office hours, I was still at the library trying to get some academic work done, when lo and behold, my priest-boss said he was going to Las Piñas. Do I want to come?  

YES!

I had dinner at home with my family, saw my sister without crutches (she is recovering from a fractured toe), and ate to my heart's content. My sweet mother dropped me off near the pick up point where I met my companions to go back to Tagaytay. 

That was the answer to my prayer. I reconnected with the people I needed to reconnect with. My homesickness was eased, my need to go home without spending was answered. Plus, I got pens for our planned activity on Sunday. Wow. 

Thank you, Lord. Sana I would respond to your lavish love with all the love in my heart--you deserve nothing less. Sorry for my shortcomings. Change me and make me yours completely.
 

His quiet assurance

Last week was the first time I felt like I wanted to quit my work-for-study theological pursuits. I was disappointed to no longer be taking Pentateuch and extremely irked at having to handle sales of books in addition to my regular work. And I suppose all the tiny complaints of discomfort mixed in with the usual loneliness, but this time was exacerbated by the envy I was feeling because I saw first-hand how a batchmate was financially doing so well--she had a car, a condo and everything a former yuppie like me had wanted--and actually still want.


So I texted my spiritual director to ask for a meeting. I felt like I was at a breaking point. I did not know what to do. So I texted him on Thursday. He suggested we meet the following day, around noon.


Before the meeting, things divinely fell into place. I had a replacement subject for Pentateuch, i.e., Graduate Research. I was offered a share in the profits of the books I was selling (the amount does not matter... what mattered to me was the fact that they offered). And we got a check subscribing to the journal I was helping to edit. It was the first check for 2012; it was certainly the first for me since I began helping out. It felt like validation for the work I was doing. And just like that, the thought of quitting was gone. I was excited again to begin classes. And all this happened in half a morning!


When I shared this with my spiritual director, he said God helps us out when we need it. Yup. He certainly did. So thank you, Lord. And yes, I am very happy to be staying for my second exciting semester of MA in theology. Yahoo!!!

Gratitude Journal Entry 1

I am renting bedspace in a room for four at P1,000 a month. I could look at all the minuses but as I was lying in bed last night, I realized I was surrounded by blessings...

Thank you, Lord, for...

• Roslyn who gave me the blue sea-themed pillowcase that now serve as a curtain for my bed;
• Ate Fely who bought and shared buko pie the other day, and from whom I got the blue straw to tie up the curtain with;
• Tita Beth for the cute, comfy, purple pillow;
• The SVD Christmas party where I got the blue bedsheet and pillowcases;
• Tita Alice who gave the big Snoopy towel one Christmas;
• Estie who gave me an NRSV Bible;
• Jane for my shorts;
• Ron for the purple and pink batik cloths that serve as blankets;
• and the various sources of income which allowed me to buy my knapsack, plastic container of food, glass, water, office bag, and other stuff. 

Thank you, Lord, for everything! 

Providence, providence, and providence...

The Religious of the Virgin Mary (RVM) adopted me for six months since I started studying and working at DWST. They not only housed and fed me--they cared for me, asked me if I'd had dinner or breakfast, repainted a room for me to use, listened to me, shared their stories, and prayed for me. I was superblessed. 

Betania, Tagaytay. Picture taken from their website:  
http://www.rvmonline.net/   

Thank you RVM Sisters for welcoming me into the house of God. I was so lavished with his love. May he be the one to thank you on my behalf and return to you a thousand-fold what you have so generously shared with me. 

Sr. Paeng, RVM, during Tagaytay Youth Day. 
Photo by Cris Pahilan.

If you need times of refreshing in the presence of God, why not try a retreat at Betania? The rates are reasonable, accommodations are very comfortable, the grounds are conducive for quiet reflection and appreciation of God's creation, and the food is yummy!




Betania Retreat House, Tagaytay
 "A refreshing Oasis where one can Listen and Create an inner space in one’s busy life"


Other Services:


Solitude Retreat
One-day, two-day Recollection
8-day Directed Retreat
30-day Directed Retreat
Preached - Guided Retreat
Counseling
Family Retreat
For information and reservations, please write or call:


The Retreat Director
Betania Retreat House
J.P. Rizal Ave., Maharlika West 4120, Tagaytay City
Tel. No. (046) 483-1310
Fax No. (046) 483-2604
Mobile +639195721331


(http://www.rvmonline.net/?q=node/161)

Cinderella moment

• Wow... the sem is almost over and I was not able to blog for four months. I had some adjusting to do, working and studying at the same time. But it was such a privilege. Scholar ako ng Tatay ko sa langit [I'm a scholar of my heavenly father]. The SVD fathers provide the education and the livelihood while the RVM sisters give me a home away from home at their Betania Retreat House. How these things came together, I can only be grateful. May God bless their generosity a hundredfold.  
  
• The amazing thing is God never stops. He still continues to surprise me. And the little surprises are what I like best. This is the latest one...

• After four months of work, I decided I could afford a pair of shoes. So I was at Robinson's Department Store at Festival Mall, Alabang and had picked out a pair of Rusty Lopez shoes. They have this particular type of heel which I find very durable, so I was willing to pay the P600 it would cost.
  
  When I got to the counter, the register said it cost P199.75. So I pointed it out to the cashier that there might have been a mistake. But it turns out the shoes were on sale. Whoa!!! 60% off!!! Music to a girl's ears!
  
  I can't help smiling and thanking God... for the past months, I've been carefully watching my budget and wanted to keep my shoes at P200. But the last one I bought at P75 gave out after only a week of use. So I decided I needed to buy something of quality even if it cost a little more. But it turns out, I was still within my P200 budget! Thanks, Lord. I feel like Cinderella after the shoe fit. =)

Blessings in uncertainty

• Rivers of blessing are being poured out onto me and my family. I think the most significant one is that we got to spend time with family who are usually far away. A cousin and his family from the US are visiting... I met a cute niece I've never seen before apart from FB photos. My brother came home for a week-long vacation. We spent time with both clans from the maternal and paternal side. What a great birth month. Thank you, Lord. 

• My parents will be going on a trip to the Holy Land. Wow! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of life, for my parents and for their love. Please continue blessing and protecting them, and all their companions on this pilgrimage. We entrust them into Your most loving hands.
  
• College friends treated me to watch Sound of Music at Resorts World. We had a lovely dinner at Red Crab. And lots of yummy cake from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Happy birthday to me! Thank you, Lord!

What prompted me to write today, however, was how someone I love dearly reacted negatively to a blessing when I had just received it and was feeling joy.

In my studying theology, I will be working as a staff member of the library and receiving a small amount. I think of myself as a working student assistant. Actually, I felt very happy when my priest-professor was telling me about it. But my sister, ever practical and concerned about me, was belittling the amount, criticizing how poor a negotiator I am, etc. Boy, was it taking the joyful air out of my balloon.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that I am a people pleaser and the source of my anguish is trying to please those I love when, in my following God, all I face is uncertainty. I have accepted the darkness of uncertainty as part of my journey but I have not accepted that there will be voices speaking against such uncertainty apart from my own. I have to listen to God and be faithful despite how these voices echo my own fear. I am on a journey of uncertainty. 

Lord, grant me ears to hear Your voice above all others and to trust that as I take one step at a time into darkness, You are always by my side. Even if I don't know where this is all going, You have a plan. I trust You even when those around me echo my own fears. I trust You.

Waiting open-endedly

Wow... just time traveled via journal entries. Wrote quotes that struck me from reading "The Path of Waiting" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I jotted it down 14 years ago but reading it recently struck me again. In the spiraling upward in search of God, I guess I'm somewhere similar to where I was 14 years ago. But even if it feels like a circle, I know better. I spiraled upward. Now I'm waiting again... sana with stronger faith and hope because I've seen God work in my life in the past 14 years. I know He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Thank you, Lord!

Quotes in journal, undated (est 1997):

"what they are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they are standing... The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it."

"... patience... willingness to stay where we are and live... situation out to the full... (until?) something hidden there will manifest itself to us."

"Much of our waiting is full of wishes... our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes... We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair."

"But Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon, and Anna were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended."

"Mary... was saying 'I don't know what this all means, but I trust that good things will happen.' She trusted so deeply that her waiting was open to all possibilities."

Notes to self: Wait open-endedly, give up control of our future, let God define our life. God molds us according to His perfect love, not according to our fear.

New direction has come into my life. I will be taking up further studies in theology at the Divine Word Seminary in Tagaytay. 

From the liturgy of the hours: Wisdom of God, be with me, always at work in me.

Lord, I dedicate my studies to You. Grant me Your wisdom and knowledge that these further studies might be a pleasing offering to You. Grant me a deep hunger for You. Grant me the grace to love You with all my mind. But most of all make me a doer of Your Word, to love You in thought, word and action, and to love those around me as I love myself. May this not be a purely intellectual exercise but I beg You, make me a better follower of You. May I be Yours to do with as You please. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.