Tearful Rainbows

It has been quite a difficult time lately but that does not mean there are no intimate moments with God. But sorrowful intimate moments are not what I was going for when I started this blog. Still, bright moments are available for those with the eyes to see.

* * * * *

Last April 20, my parents and I were going to a specialist at the University of Sto. Tomas for alternative treatments to my father's persistent headache. My mother was frazzled because she was unable to get through to the cab company which kept giving a busy signal. However, as she was preparing other things for our doctor's appointment, I said a little prayer, dialed the cab company's number and amazingly got through on the first try. 

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be of assistance to her even in small things.

* * * * *

Confessions of an almost-other-woman...

Without intending to, I fell for someone who was already committed. Some lines were crossed, though by the mercy of God, not to the point of no return. Over the past five months, I had been hoping he would eventually choose me. Meanwhile, I still tried to make the best of things, went to confession, stayed away as much as I could, etc. But deep inside, I was still stubbornly hoping.

It has been difficult coming to terms with reality but I still believe in doing the right thing. During this time of struggle, I came across one of my favorite movies, Casablanca. It is such a rare example of doing the right thing even when our heart wants other things.

For those not familiar with the movie, spoiler alert. Believing her husband dead, Ilsa and Rick fall in love in Paris but on the day they were to go away together, Ilsa receives news that her husband Victor was only a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp and is alive. She leaves Rick without sufficient explanation and the latter becomes embittered by the experience.

As their paths cross in Casablanca, it seems Rick's bitterness at the whole affair hardens him from assisting Ilsa and Victor to escape the Nazis. But soon, Ilsa's and Rick's feelings are rekindled. Their plan is to give Victor a letter of transit so he can escape and continue leading the resistance, but Ilsa will stay with Rick in Casablanca. However, Rick discusses a different Plan B with the chief of police, Captain Renault, as his co-conspirator: Rick and Ilsa will take the letters of transit and leave Victor behind. But it turns out Rick has a Plan C.

Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I... I...

Rick: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, Louie?

Captain Renault: I'm afraid Major Strasser would insist.

Ilsa: You're saying this only to make me go.

Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you...

Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

[Ilsa lowers her head and begins to cry]

Rick: Now, now...

[Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet]

Rick: Here's looking at you kid.

Got the quote from this link.

Sometimes you just have to set aside what you feel because the right thing to do is to step aside and let Ilsa be with Victor. Even if it could mean a metaphorical death for you.

* * * * *

As I go through the grieving part of being broken-hearted, I strangely find the ending of Spider-man 3 comforting. It's the scene where Mary Jane is singing:

I'm through with love

I'll never fall again

Said adieu to love

Don't ever call again

For I must love you or no one

And so I'm through with love

Of course, in parentheses, I'm adding "at least for now." I may not have gotten Rick but maybe there is still a Victor--the one God intended for me with no sinful strings attached. Someday.

* * * * *

First forty days - colon surgery and complications

Second forty days - persistent headache/ double vision

Third forty days [Lent] - temporary relief with steroids

Fourth forty days [Easter Monday - Ascension] - two admissions in the hospital, ongoing

Blessings in the midst of trials include surprising and generous sources of providence; kind nurses; supportive relatives; and prayer warriors.

* * * * *

Life is a battle and my battlecry is worship (big message from current Feast: Advancers). So I will praise the Lord amidst my tears and allow him to convert me over and over again. To God be the glory.

Laudate Dominum

Last Sunday, my brother and sister-in-law treated me to a concert featuring the Music Hub, Bukas Palad Ministry and the Philippine Madrigal Singers. "Laudate Dominum: A Post-Papal Visit Benefit Concert" was held at St. Paul Pasig.

My love affair with Bukas Palad and Madrigal spans more than twenty years. Bukas Palad songs, mostly composed by Fr. Manoling Francisco, have been in our college choir repertoire ever since I can remember, while I first heard and fell in love with the Madz also in college, with national artist in music, Prof. Andrea Veneracion, as conductor.

Despite the length of time I have been singing Bukas Palad songs, I have never heard them sing live until last Sunday. I was pleasantly astounded. I knew they were good but they were even better in person with their charismatic smiles and energy. 

The Madz have evolved under different leadership. Honestly, I miss the Veneracion flavor but the excellence is still there with an increase in showmanship. 

Watching these two different groups perform made me reflect on my journey as a music minister. Bukas Palad and their songs represent to me friendships rooted in service to God that began twenty five years ago in college and endure to this day. 

A one-semester stint with a Madz-inspired choir allowed me to have a deeper appreciation for the technical difficulties involved in singing at the level of excellence which is embodied by the Philippine Madrigal Singers.

But I realized early on that singing secular songs did not give me the joy that singing Christian songs did. Singing is praying twice when directed towards God. And God deserves nothing but our most excellent offering but too much preoccupation with the technicalities of singing can get in the way of worship. 

What I found ironic was that the Madz sprung from the bosom of the University of the Philippines, which is supposed to be more for the masses, but their form of singing requires much skill and as a result, is more elitist. It has borne fruit in the form of Madz, et al, which is composed of Madz-inspired choirs headed by Madrigal alumni. This is the beautiful legacy of Veneracion, who envisioned a singing Philippines. There are now more than sixty choirs who are featured in the music festival featuring the Madz and their friends.

On the other hand, Bukas Palad, which is based at the elite Ateneo de Manila, is more universal. "Manoling" songs are sung in every parish and bring life to the liturgy. There is no association of choirs affiliated with the Bukas Palad but the songs they have popularized have become part of the Filipino Catholic psyche.  

I never thought these two groups could ever get together but that's exactly what they did for the recently concluded papal visit. Last Sunday's concert featured the choirs first separately and then together singing songs from the papal mass at Luneta. 

The unity of the two groups was inspiring. Differences, if any, were set aside, and they just came together in harmony to serve. The Luneta choir had 1000-members from different parishes. And the cream of the crop was at last Sunday's concert. It was a privilege to watch.  

******

Now my musical ministry journey includes the charismatic style of service using songs from Hillsong, Matt Maher, Chris Tomlin, and so much more. It is again a different form. Individual microphones, stage make up, and coordinated outfits are part and parcel of every service rather than a once-a-year-concert-related effort.

At its heart, it is still the same. Serving in the music ministry is directing our hearts toward God in the best way we can, not only in the technical aspect but more importantly on the inside. Because worship is not limited to the stage. Worship is your life--how you serve your family, how you work at your job or school projects, how you are a friend to others. Sometimes this internal worship is made manifest on stage for two hours and contributes to the music of the congregation in a pleasing offering to God.  At least we hope it is a pleasing offering. 

God hears the true song your heart is singing. Kung merong wala sa tono, baka kailangan ng kaunting confession. Let's hope the song of our lives is always in tune with the will of God so it may be a pleasing offering to him.

Lord, thank you for the gift of music. Thank you for the friendships rooted in you. May more people continue to be blessed by music ministers everywhere, especially by their acts of love off stage. May all of us, whether we are still active music servants or not, continue to lift up our lives as an offering of worship to you. 

P.S. One kilig moment for me was that the concert had a late start. I was grateful because I was 17 minutes late (left MOA at 1:30 to reach the 3 pm concert but was delayed by bus stops and an unforeseen period of waiting at Coastal Mall). Thanks to technical difficulties, inabot ko ang umpisa. Thank you, Lord!

Rock Bottom

February 21 was my last day at work. I resigned despite my desire to gain a degree in theology partly because of our father's health concerns.

So now all I have are unanswered questions. Where do I go? What do I do? How can I best serve my family?

And there is this feeling of failure. I invested three years of time and effort to further my education... but a thesis away from this degree, I admit defeat. "Delay" is the word I should use, they say. But this does not comfort at the moment. 

I had imagined the possibilities of teaching armed with a degree. But without it, I do not have a plan B. 

I have not lost hope. And the next series of talks at Feast PICC seems fit to address my feeling of failure. I need to figure out a plan B and fast. In the meantime, I will put my hands to work in whatever present moment I happen to be in and direct my heart to God. 

Lord, please guide and direct me so I can do what you want me to do and be what you want me to be. Help me to listen and obey. Inspire me to dream again, to plan, and to act. May the dreams you plant in my heart come true through full hard-working cooperation with your grace. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

P.S. On a related note, one of my questions is where do I go to serve (the Church)? Specifically was wondering which ministry at the Feast to serve in, but in today's talk, it seems Bo is encouraging us to serve outside. 

I have been considering my first community where I fell in love with God. Maybe that's where I am supposed to be at the moment as a servant. Keep getting nourished at the Feast but serve somewhere else... maybe.

Practicing songs for mass with my original community
last Sunday.

Forty Days

My father was hospitalized for forty days. He could not eat nor drink for most of that time. It was quite difficult.

Ash Wednesday marks the fortieth day since he got out of the hospital. All this time, he has been suffering from persistent headaches. In a different way, it is still difficult for everyone.

I wonder what the next 39 days of Lent will bring. I hope Easter will come soon... preferably in the form of recovery, healing and restoration for my father.

Lord, thank you for each family member, especially aunts and uncles who support us during this time, cook yummy lunches to tempt Tatay's appetite, and listen with compassion. Thank you for people who pray for us. In the meantime, please grant us the grace to get through each day with patience, kindness, and love. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Papa Francisco

Pope Francis is visiting the Philippines. He arrived on January 15 and will go back to Rome on January 19. 

I have been blessed and privileged to be part of the OneBillionStories team in the Philippines covering the papal visit. These are some of my kilig moments.

On the first day of Pope Francis' visit, our team was stationed at the corner of Quirino Avenue and Roxas Boulevard. People had been waiting since early in the morning even though the Holy Father's ETA was past 5 pm. 

Vangie Dadula, for example, originally from Tacloban, stayed at nearby Luneta Park with her common law husband from 1 am. They took turns sleeping and endured the cold January air with one jacket between them. Vangie hopes that the Pope's visit will somehow help in the restoration of those affected by typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan).

People stayed for hours just for a glimpse of the Pope. Of course, when that moment came, I hoped to capture it with either a picture or a video.

When the moment did come, I was so overwhelmed, I did not know what I was doing. When I previewed what I had shot, I was disappointed to see that my hand had unconsciously adjusted from a horizontal axis to a vertical one. What a major blooper! 

But when I got home and downloaded the video, it turns out it was a divine correction because the unconscious adjustment resulted in a video that can be viewed correctly---precisely during the moment the Holy Father was passing by.

All I can say is thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have a memento of Papa Francesco's visit to the Philippines. Feel so blessed!

*****

On the way home from the second day of coverage, I took a jeep to Pedro Gil, then walked to Quirino Avenue. I decided to grab a bite to eat at Jollibee before proceeding. I found a seat facing out of the store. It had a nice view of the street, which continued to fill up with people hoping to see the Pope. It was not my intention to try and see the Pope again because we already did during the coverage... but God had something else in mind.  

My teammates from the media coverage were all high and excited after seeing the Pope. I did not feel the same. I wondered what could be wrong with me. But I did not say it out loud. I just kept quiet and focused on whatever task was at hand. 

As I ate my dinner and observed the crowd, I realized there was a real chance of the Pope passing by as he returned from the Mall of Asia. I hoped I could see him again before I went home. And this time, I decided I would just be completely in the moment and no longer reach for my camera.

Request answered. Some time after finishing my meal, Pope Francis did pass by and I did see him. The crowd inside Jollibee and the larger crowd on the streets roared in excitement as he passed by. And in his wake he left a re-energized, renewed crowd. As one participant said, "all your tiredness is gone once you see him."

It was a glimpse... a brief fleeting glimpse. But that unplanned glimpse outside of my assignment was the one that gave me goosebumps. Oh! So all I needed was to be outside of work mode and just let the grace come flowing in.

Thank you, Lord, for letting me experience different moments of seeing St. Peter's successor. May it be a seed which will bear your good fruit someday. 

Fever

My father has been in the hospital for over a month. My mother has been keeping watch the whole time. We, their kids, just take turns keeping them company, preferably during the night so Nanay can sleep. Last night was my turn.

During my watch, Tatay had a fever but thankfully slept through most of the night. He needs sleep rather badly. He hardly slept at all the night before.

When he woke up past 4 am, we took his temperature, which was at 38. After a sponge bath (per advise of the nurse), his temperature actually rose to 38.2. He drank some water and we prayed the chaplet to the Divine Mercy. The nurse comes in soon after, checks his temperature and it's 37.8. 

Thank you, Lord, for baby steps to recovery. Please continue to bless Tatay so he can come home soon. Please restore him to good health. In the meantime, please pour out your gifts of faith, hope and peace into his heart to strengthen him during this time of trial. May your love wrap him in quiet assurance that everything will be okay. 

Thank you for being Nanay's strength, patience and service. Please bless her so she can find rest and refreshment. Bless her health. 

Thank you for my siblings. Please bless us and enable us to ease each family member's burdens. 

Thank you for the gift of life. Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain wisdom of heart. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Balance and Support

Whoa... no blog entry for two months! It does not mean there were no blessings... it's just that I have been on the brink of falling/failing—trying to keep my balance at the edge of multiple things.

The first balancing act involved walking the line between friendship and romance without hurting anyone. Hmmm... from a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say the pain level had initially been a low 4—tolerable. However due to its persistence and increasing intensity, I have been worn down to my limit. 

The second was balancing my thesis, library and journal work against financial and emotional resources—which was being taxed by the politics of holiness and infighting in the community, among other things. Add the possibility to be involved in media coverage for the upcoming papal visit and things get more exciting. The crucial element here was doing what one was supposed to do without snapping people's heads off. Epic fail.

The third is a recent addition—seems the balancing act is turning into a juggling act. It involves a family member's health. He has been in the hospital for two weeks now. Hoping for the best.

*****

Three Saturdays ago, had a heart-to-heart talk with Sis B. It was the talk that released me from my toxic guilt like no other. What an unexpected relief!

*****

That evening, we celebrated our father's 70th birthday. The buffet was overwhelming in its abundance—everything from Japanese food to Filipino, wonderful desserts, and unlimited iced tea and juice (like blue lemonade, which I had not tried before). But what would all that food be without people to eat with? It was such a blessing to celebrate with family and friends (a good number of those since high school—that's maybe 54 years?). Super thank you, Lord!
. 

*****

N does hospital duty. I am assigned more on house duty. Two Thursdays ago, while I was on house duty, R came by to keep me company. He brought a pork dish and a chicken dish. I cooked the rice and we had a nice dinner. After that, we watched The Book Thief on television. It turns out my sister had not yet eaten dinner so she had a nice meal too when she got home. Yay!

*****

At the peak of my worries, a friend called me. Though the signal was choppy and we could not communicate properly, his virtual presence and prayers was a big source of comfort and strength. 

*****

Last Friday was the Christmas party of the seminary. I did not feel like going but ended up at the party anyway. I got a lot of hugs and concerned inquiries. Turns out I'm not very good at handling inquiries—cried a lot; but it was nice to know a lot of people care. 

*****

Yesterday, I discovered a fellow chico monster. Aside from giving me my favorite fruit, CM kept me company during lunch, and later helped carry my bag to the bus stop. 

*****

Thank you, Lord, for friends who support us through these times of difficulty. Their acts of kindness, listening, prayers and patience ease our physical and non-physical burdens. When we think we are about to fall, they hold out their hand and we can regain our balance in the chaos. Please bless them a hundred-fold.

Also, please bless T & Fr. S, Chef J, Sir G, and D on their birthdays. Thanks po.

In a special way, we lift up family members who are sick and recovering from operations. Please touch them with your healing hands. And if you should allow them to suffer, may they remember to offer these pains up to you that even in their difficulty, they may participate in your plans for the redemption of all. But if you will, please console and comfort them; allow their pain to decrease and their health to increase. Grant them full recovery.

For those people who keep watch over them, may you be their strength, presence of mind, and merciful patience.

For those of us who feel helpless, may you honor whatever everyday acts we do as an offering for our prayer intention. May they be acts done with love and united with the love of Christ.

All this we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.