Who defines your worth?

In my June 26 blog I described my struggle with thoughts of worthlessness...

"I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God...

• I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.

I had let this experience define my worth. But during the Feast at the PICC, I felt God talk to me. When Bro. Bo said let God surgically remove those things which are keeping us from finishing strong, I felt I should surrender my wrong belief.

• How could you let a man define your worth? Am I not more than man? And did I not die for you on the cross precisely because you are worth loving? I say so. I am who am says so.  

Father, forgive me for letting a man define my worth. Forgive me for my idolatry. You are indeed God of the universe. You created all. You are the ultimate authority. You are the one who defines my worth. And You say I am worth dying for. I am worth the life of Your Son. I will no longer argue. I will believe. Thank You for loving me.

Conflict and cheesecake

• I disagreed with how our chorus master increased our practice days and used them exclusively to focus on one song without spending any time on the other worship songs -- two of which were new and (I felt) were at the heart of the message we were trying to convey.
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• Intellect, will, imagination, emotions, sexual power. In case of conflict between any of the above, follow the heirarchy: intellect, will, imagination, emotions, sexual power. So says our theology teacher.
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• I'm in the music ministry to serve God first and not our human leader; I should have stayed faithful in my service regardless of how I felt. After all, it's not everyday you actually feel happy and perky and willing to serve. There are days you drag your feet because your heart is heavy. Those are opportune days to offer God a better sacrifice.
  
  Unfortunately, I let my emotions rule me on the day of service (7/3/11). I may have had a point for my feelings of anger but I chose to let the anger master me instead of me mastering my anger. I simply chose not to serve. Still, the mercy of God is relentless. It overtook me as I was walking alone in a nearby mall after the service (I was present as an attendee). One of my choir mates was there and we ended up talking together and eating cheesecake. I was no longer alone. God allowed me to connect with someone. And over yummy food. What more can one ask?
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• The next day, we had a rehearsal for a worship concert. Our chorus master asked me how I was.
  
  "Galit ako sa 'yo," I said matter-of-factly and said my piece. He explained his decision was a technical one and nothing personal. And I said my anger was not personal. I just felt passionately about the other songs. Call it creative differences.
  
  By the grace of God, I swallowed my pride and apologized for not showing up at all. In the past, I would have insisted that I was right and he was wrong. Only God knows how badly things could have gone.
  
  He forgave me. I think we were a little extra nice to each other after that.
  
  Thank you, Lord. =)

Wooed

Syempre kinikilig ako when I see flowers from my Beloved...

Okay, hindi siya flower, but I just had to include this because sunshine on my shoulder, when filtered through trees, makes me happy. =)

Thank you, Lord. I love you, too. Mwah! =)

Desolation. Saturation.

I am often overwhelmed by doubts, fears and insecurities. Recently, I was on the down side of things. I was crying in my room, crying out to God. I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness (which I still struggle with even now):

• I am not worth loving. Not worth marrying. That's why I'm still single at 37 years old. My ex-boyfriend knows it better than anyone. Isn't that why he would not choose to marry me now even if he could because someone is better marriage material than me? And this ex is one of the best guys I know. Plus, he knows me better than anyone. And he chooses someone else.
• After so many years of working, I have no financial success to speak of. None of my previous employers rave about me and want me back. It's just a lackluster career that feels empty.
• I'm a terrible servant. I leave many things undone. My heart is full of darkness.

This and other similar thoughts were going through my head. Over and over. Like a broken record.

"Lord, I need affirmation!" I cried out to Him. The song (by Planetshakers) that resonated with my heart during this time of desolation said:

Jesus, I'm desperate for You
Jesus, I'm hungry for You
Jesus, I'm longing for You
Lord You are all I want...

Come like a flood and saturate me now
You're all I want
Come like a wind and sweep throughout this place
You're all we want

"Lord," I beg Him, "I need saturation..."

The next day, one of our chorus brothers in Christ tells me that God has a message for me.

He begins by saying when you keep giving and giving, sometimes you have nothing left to give. You are left empty. "You need saturation," he tells me. Spend time with God, he says.

Then for some reason he goes on to say, "I don't know what God's plans for you are. But I see that you would make a good partner for someone."

Wow! I wipe at my tears.

After the service, he approaches me. He says God has a message for me: "He sees you as one of his angels. Not literally with wings. He sees your heart, your willingness to serve. You are one of his angels."

Grateful tears leak out of me. I can't help it. When I cry out to God, He answers... oh so tenderly. 

Guides

• On the way to practice, I normally stop at Farmer's Cubao to eat or check lyrics at an internet cafe. Today I needed to photocopy our attendance sheets.
  
  I went down to the ground floor with National Bookstore in mind but I knew from past attempts that there was no photocopying service at that particular branch. So I stood in one intersection of the mall, wondering where I could find what I needed.
  
  Then a little girl in a blue-green checkered polo asked me, "Ate, anong hinahanap niyo?" (Big sister, what are you looking for?)
  
  "Xerox sana."
  
  And she offered to guide me to one.
  
  I was hesitant at first. I wondered what this was about. What if it's some form of budol budol (hypnotist criminals) but as I asked this question and asked God to protect me, my feet followed her quickly and I had this sense of amazement and wonder. I could feel goosebumps along my skin and the new question in my mind was... could she possibly be my guardian angel?
  
  And she took me past the camera shop where I had photocopied something almost six months ago. I wanted to go in but she stopped me, "Wala na d'yan 'te."
  
  She explained they needed something photocopied for graduation. They tried in that first shop but the service was no longer available. But in a nearby store, there was still a photocopier.
  
  My little guide took me to the store, approached the man there and told him what I needed, and then left. I was just grateful. What a blessing she was to me. Thank you, Lord!
  
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• Sometime last year, I was trying to get to one rehearsal venue that was still unfamiliar. I had managed to get there maybe once or twice but this time I was coming from a different location with a different commuting route. I got lost. I arrived in tears because I was so frustrated at my own tardiness (at least an hour or so late).
  
  The next time I was supposed to rehearse at that same venue, I was again coming from a different location with an unfamiliar commuting route. This time I sat near a man who was going the same way. I was actually asking the lady next to me about directions but he was the one who knew the way and he volunteered to guide me. I reached the venue safe and sound (and on time!) because the man and I took the same jeep. Yehey!
  
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• Around the same time, I needed to get to a meeting in another unfamiliar place and I wondered if I would encounter the same getting-lost obstacle. But God gave me a guide again. Even though the driver was unfamiliar with where I wanted to go (I had an address and was told which jeep to take), there were two passengers there who knew exactly what I was talking about. AND they were getting off where I was supposed to get off. Praise God!
  
  What's more, even after we got off, they did not leave me until they were sure I knew where I was going. We checked the address and when they saw the name of the building, they pointed it out and asked if I would be okay.
  
  Yes po. Maraming salamat!
  
  Thank you, Lord, for the guides You send our way. =) 

It's a sign!

• I attended mass (May 26) and wondered if I should go to the prayer meeting afterwards. So I said to God, "Sige, Lord, if I see my sister somewhere in Greenbelt, I will definitely go to Makati Feast (prayer meeting)". I was imagining I might run into her in whichever restaurant I would be eating in. But no. As soon as I stepped into the restroom, my first stop, lo and behold, my sister was there, very happy to see me.
  Ikaw talaga Lord! Sige na po, a-attend na.
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• The next night, I was feeling that fear again... being hell-bound because of my thoughts (Lord, have mercy!).
  
  Pet Soc spinning wheel. I assign the butterflies values. Red butterfly means this... blue butterfly means this... green butterfly means forgiveness. Of course, I was hoping for the green. And God assured me once again with a green butterfly.
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• It's not bible cutting but I feel quite touched that my awesome God who created the universe chooses to speak to me in Pet Soc language. Nothing is too small for Him. Even when I'm makulit (persistent) in my worries, fears and insecurities, masmakulit Siya (He's relentless). Always He tells me He loves me, I'm forgiven. Thank you, Lord!
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• P.S. Please don't go making big life decisions based on a spinning wheel in an FB application, a roll of a dice or a shooting star. Always check with your heart because God could be whispering His will there and instead of listening, we're looking externally. I'm just saying sometimes, when our hearts are watchful and listening, God can use the most familiar and mundane language we understand to whisper to us, I love you.
  
  Yihee! I love You back, Lord. Mwah!

Brown gel pens and blue butterflies

• As a writer, I have preferred instruments, i.e., non-black gel pens and blank paper. My current favorite is the brown gel pen... it's got that lovely sepia quality which makes me think of ancient manuscripts (like the replica of the handwritten Noli me Tangere at Museo Pambata). After my first brown gel pen, though, I could not find a replacement so I got a violet and a green gel pen instead. But you know how people sometimes borrow pens and don't quite return them.
  
  So there I was (5/10/11) walking in the mall near closing time wondering where I could get a pen. Part of the mall where the bookstore was located was under renovation. I passed a stall with pens but I didn't even go in. I knew I wanted a gel pen but where do I get one? Maybe I should just get one tomorrow...
  
  Lo and behold, a National Bookstore stall was right where I was passing. And brown gel pens were available! I got three and went up to the cashier before realizing they were about to close. But the saleslady let me make my purchase even though they had been packing up.
  
  Thank you, Lord! Thank you, lovely salesladies. 
• Facebook applications, anyone? By the grace of God, I gave up Vampire Wars for lent and have not been playing it again so far. But I do still enjoy Pet Society.
  
  In Pet Society, you have a virtual pet with its own house you can decorate. Every time you visit in a day, you're allowed one free spin that wins your pet coins. Lately, they have these butterfly prizes. Now I usually get low or average prizes, nothing really fabulous but the other day when the wheel was spinning, I asked God, "Lord, can I have a blue butterfly please?" Immediately the wheel stopped at the blue butterfly! Whoa. Thank you, Lord. Kinilig na naman ako =)
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• Just today, I was playing Pet Society again. As the wheel was spinning, I asked, "Lord, okay lang ba mag-request ulit? Can I have the green butterfly naman?" Yup, you guessed it. He granted my request. Thank you, Lord! =)
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• I attended the Mariapolis in Tagaytay this Saturday and Sunday, mostly to spend time with my family because of my brother's birthday. Mariapolis, the city of Mama Mary, is a concept from the Focolare movement. The truth was I didn't really want to be there but I went for family.
  
  Saturday afternoon. Fun games were scheduled. I did not want to participate. I did not want to play. I whispered to my mother, who was also my teammate, "I'm beginning to regret coming here. I don't want to play."
  
  The theme for this year's Mariapolis was "Not what I want but what you want." Not my will, but God's will be done.
  
  I did not want to play but as the games began, something just kicked in. Grace? In the marble relay, I suggested part of the strategy which the team accepted and used.
  
  In the next game, my sister was one of the better stackers that helped build a five-layer stack of cards while I contributed by holding my breath. Hehe. ;-)
  
  So our team went through the games, letting different people take the lead when they had a strategy in mind. We knew our time was good. Everything flowed smoothly for us.
  
  In our last game, we had a scavenger hunt. We completed our list as a teammate brought in a dual citizen, our most difficult "item" yet. Then our marshal asked for a non-black pen. O-ho, a secret item not written on the scavenger list. I brought out my brown gel pen. There was some dispute on its color but eventually the marshal agreed... it was indeed brown. =)
  
  As we walked back to the pavilion, my mother whispered to me "O, kilig moment na talaga yan!"
  
  Hehe, thank you, Lord! =)
  
  BTW, our group won first place. Praise God! =)